Ballet Reunion Cancer Family Addictions
by SoulfullyInclined
Summary: read after 'Karen'. 25 years later. Flashbacks every other chapter. I know this isn't a v. good summary. don't own anyone. *Life and quality of the story depends on the reviews*. *Please Leave More Than A 2 Word Review*. *Please Review*. *Be Nice/Kind*. *Thank you for reading/reviewing*. Edited.
1. Ashley: Saturday: 1st Ballet, Kate's Sic

**Ashley**

My younger sisters Lily, rose and I were in the cold locker room of the downtown denver ballet school we went to very early that Saturday morning. It was September, the 16th. Even though it was the weekend the time we had ballet didn't change. It was from 5 - 7 every morning and night. Lily was stretching on the floor in front of rose and I. I was behind rose helping her pin her long curly red hair up. Lily was in all black other than her white tights her long curly dark hair pinned up. Rose was in all white. Wed all been on pointe since we were 13 which was 3 yrs ago. Well 4 for me since I was 17. They were 16 as were our sisters alexa and hannah.

In the long narrow mirror I saw the reflection of lily trying to bend over one leg. The foot of the other was against the outstretched leg. Her posture wasn't very good. Currently no one else was in the locker room but us. I turned my attention from rose to lily.

"honey if you have better posture you'll be able to better do that," I told her helpfully.

She sucked in from her middle torso and not from lower down. She tried again but still wasn't getting it.

"no," I said.

"hold on," I told rose who held her hair w/ her hands.

I gave her the hairpins id been holding.

I went over and stood in front of lily.

"now watch me," I told her.

I sucked in from my lower torso. I watched as she repeated.

"there good," I told her.

I went back to rose, stood behind her and pinned her hair up then went to sit on the floor where I wrapped my feet. My tights weren't on yet and neither was my leotard. I was wearing a soft pink long sleeve sweater and black pants.

"thanks," rose said when she was done.

I looked at her; "uh huh."

I went back to my wrapping.

"damn I need more band aids," I muttered.

This was to provide more cushioning between my toes and my shoes when I went up on pointe.

"we'll go after," lily said.

"ok."

"and get breakfast too," rose said in her English accent.

Our adoptive parents karen and jesse had adopted her from England after her mother had passed.

We hadn't yet had breakfast.

"ok," I agreed

After we were done getting ready we went into the ballet studio and lined up at the barre where class always started. The other girls came in including Rachel and quinn. I didn't know them at all but we apparently went to the same high school since id seen them around. They were good dancers, pretty. We didn't say much but you usually didn't in ballet as you weren't to. Even when id seen them in school we hadn't said much to each other.

The teacher and piano player came in. we started class.

As usual we started in first position w/ our right arms rounded left ones on the barre. we stuck our right legs out and brought them around. we did this several times. Then we bent down then to the side and up. We repeated this several times. We bent forward and then back also several times. We did this on all 5 positions on both sides.

After that we rose up on pointe.

* * *

It was the middle of the day. Jesse, my younger sister Kate and I were the only ones home. 'home' being our big house in denver, CO although jesse was from rhode island karen from CT. My other adoptive younger sister marie was downtown, as were my other adoptive sisters Hannah and alexa. Hannah and alexa were at work. They worked at a bookstore. The twins Amanda and Louisa were somewhere, my older brother Evan was at his place and my mom Karen was somewhere. After ballet which had ended at 7 that morning, rose, lily and I'd gotten breakfast at a café then came home. It was now 11.

I was upstairs, walking down the hall on my way to get something to eat from the kitchen, when I heard something from the bathroom. I immediately knew it was Kate.

Of course Karen wasn't home. She was never home when Kate was sick.

Because Kate had been sick on and off for the past week, she'd lost more weight. This was partially due to the fact that somehow, because of her leukemia, her spleen was enlarged causing her to feel full. And, she'd been so sick she hadn't been able to keep a thing down. She'd lost quite a bit of weight due to this and had been bleeding a lot, which meant that at any given moment either Evan or Jesse drove Kate and my younger sister Anna to the hospital so Anna could give her more platelets in order to make up for what she'd lost. Karen hadn't told Anna what was really going on each time they went to the hospital, just that we were going to help Kate. Along with being sick and bleeding, she'd also been tired lately and more bruises had appeared. Because of her leukemia, her body didn't work the way it was supposed to. Bruises were formed by bleeding under the skin; Kate's blood didn't clot which meant her bruises didn't go away.

When I got to the tall white bathroom door I knocked on it and put my ear to it.

"Kate?" I asked: "honey? It's Ashley. Can I come in?"

Inside I heard vomiting which I took as a 'yes'.

I turned the knob, opened the door and stepped inside, closing it behind me.

Kate was 13 shed had cancer for 11 yrs since she was 2. Karen and jesse had had anna as a donor for kate. Mandy who was 14 didn't weigh enough to give kate blood. But karen, evan, anna, jesse and Louisa had all been doing that, in rounds. They were all karen and jesses biological children. The rest of us weren't.

Anna was 10, Louisa was also 14 as was marie and evan was 18. Anna was the only one in elementary school, kate, marie and the twins were in middle school and the rest of us were in high school. Evan would be in college next year. Evan was the only one of us who had his own place though I was thinking of getting one. Karen and jesse had told me I could next year at the beginning of the school year. So I had a year from now to find a place and move into it. And about a year ago id moved into theirs from the place my dad and I had in Brooklyn though we were originally from new Orleans. My mom had passed when I was little, from sickness. I didn't have any siblings just one daughter angela lily named after my mom. No one other than my friends back in the city - reenah, lily, scarlette and Miranda - knew about her. She was 3.

My dad hadn't been very good to me which was why id left. He'd hurt me.

I now lived w/ Karen and Jesse who'd adopted me after finding me in New York the previous year. Actually what they'd really done was rescue me from my dad. We all lived in Denver, co.

A few months after id moved in id signed up for it at the school they took it where they also took ballet.

* * *

_It was a sunny day in Brooklyn about a year ago. I'd left the small apartment my dad and I shared after he'd come home from the bar, yelling and angry. I'd gone and sat down on a black wire bench on the tree lined sidewalk. A guy about my father's age, 40, who was tall with longish light brown hair, approached me._

_"Hi," he said._

_"Hey," I returned._

_"Mind if I sit?"_

_"No."_

_He started to sit next to me on the bench._

_"Other bench," I said._

_"What?"_

_"Sit on the other bench. I got issues with space."_

_"Uh, ok."_

_He moved._

_"Thanks," I said._

_"Sure."_

_I could feel him looking at the bruises my father had placed on my arm this morning. He was studying them._

_"Do you have leukemia?" he asked._

_"What?" I asked, the illness the furthest thing from my mind._

_"My daughter, she, uh, has bruises like that from her leukemia."_

_"Oh. No. My dad he, um..." I really didn't want to go into the whole story._

_"Oh."_

_"I'm Ashley," I told the guy._

_"Hey, Jesse. Nice day."_

_"Yeah. It is."_

_I really wasn't up for making small talk but I could tell he wasn't going to leave._

_"How old's your daughter?" I asked._

_"13."_

_"Jeez what an age."_

_"Yeah. Moreso with her leukemia. She was diagnosed when she...I don't know why I'm telling you this. You look like you've got enough problems of your own."_

_"It's that obvious huh?" I asked._

_"No, I just pay attention."_

_"Mmmm."_

* * *

_I'd just stepped onto the porch. It was night, quiet and dark. After dinner, which had been at 5, I'd gone downtown for 2 hours. It was weird, being somewhere I didn't really know. Dinner was interrupted by Kate getting sick. Jesse, Karen and the others had gone to the hospital. It was now 7._

_The smell of smoke reached me._

_"Hey," a male voice said in the dark._

_"Hey, mind if I light up?" I asked._

_A packet of cigerettes and a small black lighter was tossed my way._

_"Thanks," I said, after lighting up._

_"Sure."_

_I set the lighter and packet on the porch railing and sat in a porch chair._

_"I'm Evan," the guy's voice said from the other end of the porch._

_"Ashley," I told him._

_"Where you from?"_

_"Brooklyn."_


	2. Evan: Flashback

_**Evan**_

_I was sitting in the living room smoking when my younger by 1 year sister Ashley flung the white front door open and stormed in. _

_Mom, Dad, Kate and Anna were at the hospital, of course. Marie was downtown, Alexa was at Tom's and the others were asleep._

_"Whoa," I said looking up._

_Ashley walked over to me and took the glass of red wine that was in my other hand, out of it._

_"Hey!" I protested; "that was mine!"_

_She tilted her head back and drank half the wine, staring at the ceiling and blinking back tears._

_"Here," she said, handing me the glass, which was now 1/4 of the way full._

_"My god," I whispered._

_"What, you never seen a 17 year old drink before? Well. Ya just did."_

_"Ashley," I said quietly, looking up at her, "what's wrong?"_

_"What's wrong? Oh just about everything."_

_I waited._

_"I miss my mom...some guy at school made a crack about that, which, _you know I _would never do. Let's see here...I'm bleeding. Um..."_

_"You're...you're bleeding?" I asked, immediatly thinking of Kate._

_"From the cuts _Evan."

_Oh._

_"Oh."_

_"Oh, and Kate's been the center of attention ever since I moved in."_

_"Ashley, Kate's-"_

_"Kate's sick, yes Evan. _I know. _I think by now the whole bloody world knows."_

_I smiled._

_"What?" she asked._

_"You sound like Rose."_

_"Oh. We got any more wine?"_

_"Ashley-"_

_"Evan. I'm not asking for your opinion."_

_I exhaled; "yeah, kitchen."_

_I followed her into the kitchen. She went straight to the fridge, opened it and took out the bottle of merlot._

_"Hey," she said, turning back around, "aren't you not supposed to be smoking inside?"_

_"You're the one that's drinking underage darlin," I told her._

_She smiled: "you sound just like my mom."_

_Her mom, who had died when Ashley was very young, was originally from Europe but had moved to Georgia where she'd had Ashley. They moved to New York City._

_"Ok, point taken," Ashley said, rising up on her toes._

_"How was class?" I asked, glancing at her feet._

_"Ok. Hard."_

_She took ballet 5 days a week, twice a day._

_"Kate here?" she asked._

_"No, hospital."_

_She sighed; "of course."_

-XXXX-

_It was later that night. I was in Ashley's room, talking with her. Everyone else was asleep._

_Downstairs, the front door opened._

_"Evan!" Mom called upstairs; "come down here."_

_Ashley and I exchanged a look: uh oh._

_She followed me out of her room and down the hall. Mom was standing at the foot of the stairs holding the 2 wine glasses empty wine glasses._

_"Evan," she said, "what, are these?"_

_"I believe those are-"_

_"I know what they are."_

_"Oh."_

_"My question is, what are they doing here? Have you been drinking? Is the bottle of merlot I found in the fridge yours?"_

_"Um."_

_Behind me, Ashley tensed._

_"I'll take this," I told her._

_"Ok," she whispered._

_"Evan!"_

_Ashley went down the hall and into her room._

_"Answer the questions," Mom said._

_"I can't answer them with the way you keep firing them at me," I pointed out._

_"Oh. So you have been drinking."_

_"Yes Mom I've been drinking."_

_"Omygod! What the hell were you thinking? Actually, knowing the way alcohol effects the body, you probably weren't."_

_"Just like you don't think about anyone else in the family but Kate."_

_"Kate's sick Evan. Just what am I supposed to do?"_

_"Oh, Kate's sick that's all you seem to care about. Well what if someone else was sick?"_


	3. Ashley: Flashback: thanks

_**Ashley**_

_Evan and I were up in out on the porch smoking and drinking. Mom had gone to bed._

_"Hey thanks for saving me back there," I told him._

_"You're new here babe. I'm not," he said._

_"So what then I'm more important?"_

_"I just. Don't want you to get thrown out."_

_I started, stunned: "they. Do that?"_

_"Well…..with mom ya never know."_

_"Oh."_

_"Yeah but hey. Can't be any worse than where you came from. Where did you come from?"_

_"The city."_

_"Oh. I take it you don't wanna talk about it?"_

_"Um. No."_

_"Ok."_

_I went back inside._


	4. Ashley: Flashback: sick, new place, dinn

_Ashley_

_I was sitting in my room in karen and jesses the one I shared w/ marie. I still wasn't used to the size of the big white house or how nice jesse was. Or how many new sibligns I had. There was rose, marie, anna, kate, Amanda, Louisa and evan. I still hadn't gotten signed up for a ballet class. Karen and jesse had been to busy. It was weird not being afraid of the guy who was now my dad. I could actually relax a little. I had more time to eat and sleep. Id started cheerleading after school. _

_Well, I could sortof relax. Right before I left my dad had hurt me again. Which had led to me being sick for more than 2 weeks._

_That night jesse called me down to dinner._

_"Ashley dinner!" he called upstairs._

_"ok-" I said putting my hand over my mouth and ran to the bathroom "be right there!"_

_I went into the bathroom closed the door got sick opened it and went down the stairs into the kitchen where I sat down at the table where jesse karen evan and Hannah were._

_"ooh whats for dinner?" I asked._

_"we have - " said karen from the stove "pasta."_

_"you alrite?" jesse asked._

_"yeah why?" I countered._

_"you look. Um. Different."_

_"no im fine."_

_"ok."_

_'karen never cooks, what gives?' I mouthed to evan; 'shes usually too busy to'._

_'well apparently she wasn't too busy to tonight. And not sure.'_

_'oh.'_

_"do we have cucumbers?" I asked_

_"cucumbers?" jesse asked._

_"yeah I, suddenly really want some. You know. Makes things healthier."_

_"no I don't think so but I can go get some."_

_"ok."_

_"I actually need to go to the store too," karen said setting the giant pasta pot on the counter._

_"ill take care of the rest of dinner," evan said._

_"ok."_

_Karen and jesse left._

_After dinner when I was up in my room when I heard a knock on the door._

"_yeah?" I asked looking towards it._

"_jesse," he said._

_Oh._

"_oh ok."_

_He came in closing the door behind him. He stood in the middle of the room. I looked up at him from my spot on the bed._

"_Ashley I know you still need time to adjust and settle in and that's fine. Ill tell the others later tonight. Um bbut im a bit worried about you. As is karen although she has a funny way of showing it. By. Not showing it. Yeah shes not very good at being there for her family. Oh but shes great at being there for others. Um sorry. Anyway," he began apologizing for rambling._

"_no youre fine. Go on," I told him smiling._

"_evan came to me and told me you havent been eating very much. Now you don't seem terribly thin to me which is good. However im taking this as a warning."_

"_oh no its not that. No I like the food you make. I mean its weird to have someone do that for me .well my dad didn't and you know about my mom. My friends did though. Back in the city. Lily did. Has."_

"_ok. I don't want to pry but im going to. I know this is an awkward uncomfortable question and its not something I want to ask you."_

"_ok."_

"_but when was your last period?"_

"_3 weeks ago."_

"_oh. Ok."_

_He looked like he was thinking about something._

"_I know that's common in ladies your age, to miss a few. Are you sexually active?"_

"_no."_

"_ok. Im just trying to piece everything together. When was the lastt time you saw a doctor?"_

"_oh that's actually one of the things I wanted to get done."_

"_ok I know of a wonderful really nice lady you could see."_

"_ok."_

_Ill give her a chance._

"_some time this week._

"_ok."_

_I had a feeling he already knew what had happened but he wanted me to come to him._

"_ok so ill tell evan and karen we had this talk."_

_Something came over me and I got really tired. So I was glad he was done so I could sleep._

"_yeah im really tired anyway."_

"_ok well."_

"_yeah."_

_He left closing the door behind him._

_I went to my computer and drafted an email to my late mother. Yes I still emailed her. Well I loved her and missed her and knew how much shed want to be there for me. It helped. But it also made it more real. I also sent an email to my friends back in the city my grandmother in England and my cousin Annabelle. _

_I knew what it was. I was pregnant and not fhr the 1__st__ time. that's why id been so tired and not feeling well lately._

_Over the next few weeks id missed school which id just started due to not having felt well. I went to the doctor a lot. Jesse had been right she was wonderful and really nice. Warm easy to talk to. I liked her a lot. I remember once during the school day evan had found me hiding out at the park though I wasn't exactly hiding. Just not at school. Being outside was what I needed. I didn't want evan to be angry w/ me for not being in school. Or jesse. Which was why they hadn known untill evan found me. When I told thim this turns out they weren't. angry w/ me. I mean its not like it had been my fault or anything. But being around my dad so much had taught me that 'everything' was evidently my fault. He hadn't been the most easygoing guy and probably still wasn't._

_I was due in 9 months and would have to give the baby up at the end. So whilc I was waiting id have to find a good family. Id asked the doctor about this and shed told me shed ask around and then get back to me. My grandmother and friends tole me via email that whatever decision I made theyd be supportive. They were all such nice people._

_It would be an open adoption._

_Due to my nausea id been having a lot of peppermint tea lately. And I got sick very often as much as kate or mandy did. Yeah but everyone knew why kate did. I had a feeling mandy was also pregnant._

_Which I hadn't told anyone._

_If she wanted people to know then shed tell them. I knew that when she eventually gave birth shed have to have a c section. At her age id be scared too. I had been. Hell I was scared now._


	5. Ashley: Work: Strip Club: 1st

**Ashley**

It was later that night and I was hanging upside down on a metal pole in my stripper outfit. The club was dark. Maria and Rosa were over in the booths talking to some of the men. Ruby and Trixie were winding themselves around their metal poles. The room was cold and music pumped through the air. Tonight, it was '80's music. The air was cold on purpose; certain parts of our anatomy stuck out, resulting in more money. I pointed my foot and pushed myself upward, flipping so that I was facing the pole. I then twirled around it, in the middle of it. Because I'd taken ballet for many years as well as cheerleading it helped me with my dancing. It gave me an advantage, which was a reason the boss'd hired me. He hired Rosa and Maria because they were exotic and Ruby, because some people preferred chocolate to vanilla. Renee, because having red hair was actually a genetic abnormality, and he wanted someone unusual. Along with those reasons, we were also hired based on our dance and flirting abilities. We made $40 to $100 an hour, depending on our ability and the hours we danced. The longer you stayed the more money you made. If there was a particular dancer someone coming to the club favored over the others, that dancer would get more money than the others. Both men and women came to the club.


	6. Rose: 1st Time Taking & Finances

**Rose**

That day I was grocery shopping. I was at the small rectangular self checkout scanning my items. I'd bought fruit, parmesan cheese, frozen burritos and frozen [premade] cookies. Half of each item I didn't scan. When I was done I walked out of the big store having paid for half the stuff as though nothing had happened.

-XXX-

When I got back home I took the groceries into the kitchen and set them on the round wooden table. Dad was in there on the phone with someone. He was sitting on an uncomfortable wooden chair at the table.

"No we don't have enough money to pay our insurance bills so what are we supposed to do?" he asked the person; "as I understand it money is taken out of your insurance each time you go into the hospital. I don't want us to be in debt. ….No the twins don't work because they're not old enough and wont be for 2 more years. The only people who work are Ashley, Hannah and Alexa. Evan's busy trying to make sure that this family stays together and Karen's at the office all day so we know she can't take up a second shift. Because if she does she'll spend less time with the kids and that means in their eyes she'll be abandoning them more. I'm busy making sure Anna gets to gymnastics and with her class projects that I don't have time to draw….well, really, and what would you suggest? Actually that makes sense. I haven't talked to Rose or Lily about it but I'll ask…..um 3 jobs. Yeah but what if that's still not enough?…..ok well thanks. I have to go Rose is home w/ the groceries. Uh huh yeah ok. Bye."

He hung up with whoever it was ending their conversation and sighed, exasperated.

Then he saw me; "oh hi honey how was the store?"

"Alrite I got some things on sale."

Although I hadn't.

"Good. We need to watch the sales as much as we can."

"Yeah I just heard your, conversation."

"Oh. Well no sense in denying it now."


	7. Jesse: Sunday Night: Kate's Sick, Flashb

**Jesse**

It was around 11 that night. The house was quiet. I was in my room, drawing. Karen'd gone to sleep about 2 hours ago. Karen'd had a very long day, as had Ashley. Kate had slept all day because she'd been so tired. Ashley, lily and rose had had ballet twice today as usual, from 5 - 7 a.m. and p.m. then Ashley had gone to her job at the bookstore which ended at 10 so shed been back for an hr. Lily and rose had been home since 8 p.m.

There was an empty black coffee mug on my bedside table. Karen and the others had their bedrooms upstairs while mine was downstairs.

The reasons I had the bedroom downstairs were convention, and if Kate got sick in the downstairs bathroom I could check on her therefore making it more convenient for me to have the downstairs one. Along with my room, the living rooms, dining room and kitchen, there were also several guest room downstairs. Some nights, just as I was getting to sleep, someone would come into my room and inform me Kate was being taken to the hospital. Because I was home all day, as Ashley'd pointed out several times, I knew more of what went on with Kate being sick. sometimes I'd be called to deal with the fires Evan's deliberately set, or to help Anna's art class, when Karen couldn't. If I wasn't home, Evan would be. And if he wasn't, Ashley would be. And so it went. And then alexa.

I was an artist and firefighter and Karen was a psychologist. W/ my art I worked whenever and same w/ firefighting. Karen worked during the week.

Evan was the oldest, at 18 then Ashley, at 17. Hannah, Alexa, Lily and Rose were 16; Marie and the twins Amanda and Louisa were 14, Kate was 13 and Anna was 10. Karen and I'd adopted Ashley, Marie, Alexa, Lily and Rose. Ashley from New York, Marie from Paris and Rose from London and alexa from Boston. Ashley's, maries and roses mothers had died early. Lily, Marie and Hannah looked a lot alike, with their white skin, blue eyes and long black hair, the only difference being that Hannah's hair was straight. Ashley, Karen and the twins looked alike, with long blonde hair and blue eyes. Rose, Evan and Alexa were the only ones who didn't quite look like their siblings. Rose had curly red-orange hair, green eyes and pale, creamy skin. Evan looked a lot like me, with his longish, straight, light brown hair and color changing eyes, which changed from a dark brown to a pale silver. Alexa had dark brown hair in waves to her shoulders, light skin and dark brown eyes. Anna had pale skin and long, straight dark brown hair that matched her eyes.

I dropped my pencil on the desk and looked up, sure I'd heard a noise from upstairs. I waited, and the house became quiet again. I stood up and took my coffee mug to the cold medium sized kitchen, where I set it in the silver sink. I went to the living room and sat down on one of the big white sofas.

They all had their different personalities, with similarities; Evan and Ashley were the ones who woke up early and made breakfast at the start of the day, and dinner at the end. When even was at our place and Ashley wasn't at ballet. Otherwise the job went to me. Evan was the stable one when I wasn't. I told him more of what was going on with Kate than I did the others, because he was the oldest and my only son. He loved fire, as I had when I was his age. And he was an artist just like me. He was sweet and funny. I know he still smoked and drank, even though he'd told his mom and I he'd stopped. He never covered up the smell.

Ashley, the primary ballet dancer of the family, was also a singer; she could sing anything, from jazz to Queen. She was sweet, a nurturer when needed who took charge. Angry, confused.

Lily was the perceptive one, Rose, lovely. Lovely, sweet, elegant. Beautiful. Pure. Marie was one of the quietest people I'd ever met, but very charming and sweet, also a singer. Kate, albeit sick, was very sweet, fun and creative. She loved the stars and bubbles. Anna, friendly. Loved dogs.

We knew some about maries, Ashley's and alexas family but not much about lily's, roses or Hannah's for some reason. Maries mother had been a prostitute back in Paris and had passed during one of her meetings. Alexas family was in Boston, crazy. She had at least 2 siblings Sophie and tom. Ashley was originally from new Orleans but moved to Brooklyn w/ her dad. Her mother Angela had passed when she was little. Her dad was abusive.

Evan, the twins, Kate and Anna were our own. Karen and id had Anna as a donor for Kate who'd been diagnosed w/ leukemia when she was 2. Evan and the twins had come along later in life, about when we were in college.

Karen, Evan, Anna, Kate, the twins and id moved from CT to Denver, CO a few yrs ago when our family was expanding. We now lived in cherry creek, very near to Ashley's cousin Annabelle and her family. Her sister Karen and parents mike and Susanna.

Upstairs, above me, I heard someone run across the ceiling of the living room, which was the floor of the hallway upstairs. I stood up and quickly ran up the stairs and down the hallway to the white bathroom. In all the years I'd done this it always came as a surprise. I knocked on the tall wooden door.

"Kate?" I asked, putting my hand on the knob and my ear to the door.

The response that came from inside was vomiting.

I came in and there was Kate, leaning over the toilet. She was in jeans and a t shirt.

When she heard me enter she turned her head and looked at me. The bathroom was cold.

I closed the door and came toward my daughter.

"Dad?" she asked, before vomiting into the toilet again.

I went to her side and rubbed her back.

"Stay with me."

"I will baby," I promised: "I will."

We stayed like that, in the quiet night for awhile.

* * *

_It was about a year or so earlier. Karen and I were in New York, Brooklyn. She was at dinner with our friend Mark and I was walking in the city. Anna, Kate, the twins, Rose and Marie were all back in CO with Evan. Before we'd left Evan assured me he'd call if anything happened._

_Ahead of me I noticed a young woman sitting on a black metal bench which was under a tree lining the street. She looked to be about 16, with wavy blonde hair and blue eyes. She was pretty. She was in a pink short sleeve shirt, black pants and black shoes. She had a black purse w/ her._

_"Hey," I said, approaching her._

_"Hi."_

_"Mind if I sit?" I asked._

_"Yeah."_

_I started to sit next to her._

_"Other bench," she ordered._

_"What?" I asked._

_"Sit on the other bench. I got issues with space."_

_"Uh ok."_

_I moved and sat on the black bench that was on the other side of the tree seperating the 2._

_"Thanks," she said._

_"Sure."_

_I noticed a bruise on her arm. Several more followed it._

_"Do you have leukemia?" I asked._

_"Hmm?"_

_"My daughter, she uh, has bruises like that from her leukemia."_

_"Oh. No. My dad."_

_"Oh."_

_"I'm Ashley," she said._

"_Jesse nice to meet you."_

"_yeah you too. So what are you doing here?"_

"_the woman I live with and I. were visiting a friend."_

"_oh."_

"_and you?"_

"_well I currently live here. But at the moment im getting away from my dad."_

_I looked down at the bruises then back up again: "oh. Where's your mom?"_

"_she's long gone."_

"_oh. I'm. You have my sympathy."_

"_don't need it. Er. Um. I mean."_

_Clearly the blonde wasn't used to this._

"_no I get it. My dads long gone too," I told her._

"_oh. How?"_

"_the drink killed him."_

"_oh wow. Yeah my dad drinks. More than he should."_

"_same w/ mine. So I get it. What happened to your mom?"_

"_she was sick."'_

"_oh."_

"_yall aren't married?" the blonde asked._

"_no she doesn't go that way far as I know."_

"_oh."_


	8. Rose: Monday: Lucy

Rose

I'd taken the bus to school that morning.

I was sitting by my locker during lunch that day when lucy came up to me.

"hi," I said looking up at her.

"hey mind if I sit here?" she asked.

"no go right ahead."

She sat; "thanks".

And smiled.

She began eating.

Other than she was nice and pretty and friendly to everyone I really didn't know much about lucy.

"you know you havent seemed to make a lot of friends here. Why is that?" she asked looking at me.

"idinno its hard for me to make friends I guess," I answered.

"yeah I know. High school can be confusing."

"right."

"but you've been in the states for a little over a year."

"guess its just harder for some people than others."

"mmm."

"Well that and," I looked around to make sure no one was paying attention, leaning closer to lucy, "I don't want anyone finding out my secret."

"your…your secret?" she asked.

"yeah um I don't know you that well but you've always been nice to me besides the teachers and I hate to do this to you."

"go ahead."

"cuz you know youre really nice."

"right."

"but you know all those days im not here?"

She nodded.

"im at the mall."

"oh well that's not so unusual."

"yeah but I don't…..really…..pay…..for things."

"oh. My."

She was clearly a bit taken aback.

"yeah so I was wondering in the event my parents ever call yours you could like. Answer the phone. Or you know what even better."

"you could give them my cell."

"ok sure."


	9. Ashley: Monday: Lunch: Meeting & Invites

Ashley

It was lunchtime and I was at a meeting of the dance committee planning our annual fall fling which wed been planning ever since school started which was sept. 2. The dance was this Saturday the 21st. I wanted to have a before and after party bc I didn't really know anyone in the school even though id been going to it since last year. The meeting on the 1st had been an imropmtu one anyone who wanted to come could. We were halfway done planning the dance. We had the decorations and food we just needed to put the decorations up in the gym which was what we were doing now. Rachel and another girl tina were there among others. There were posters all over the school for the dance and the following one in October the Halloween dance. And for the glee club show which was the 28th a week from this Saturday. Following that was the school performance of cabaret. I knew that they were also performing at sectionals this year.

The ballet school I went to was performing Dracula around Halloween and the nutcracker this winter.

I wondered why Rachel had joined the dance committee. Id never said a word to her but decided now was the time.

I went over to her. She was hanging a leaf on a wall.

"yeah?" she asked when she felt me approach.

"um. I was just wondering why you joined the committee," I said.

"so I could become more popular since people don't like me."

"oh. You take the same ballet class I do. Youure really good."

"thank you."

"so I don't really know anyone here and want to. Though I havent asked jesse I was also wondering if youd want to come to a before and after party this satuday for the dance."

"yeah ok though ill have to ask my dads. Thank you for inviting me. You should come see cabaret. Im going to be in it. And im going to be the star. I might be the star of Dracula too."

"um ok. Your dads?"

"yeah I have 2 gay dads."

"oh."

"whos jesse?"

"my adoptive dad."

"oh."

"im Ashley btw."

"yeah I know."

"oh."

I went over to tina who was also hanging a leaf.

"yes?" she said quietly.

"hi I was wondering if you wanted to come to a before and after dance this Saturday at my place. Theyre for the dance."

"ok."

Wow that was easy.

"ok cool. Im Ashley btw."

She smiled: "tina nice to meet you."

"yeah you too."

Well she was nice.

I then went over to Hannah, lily, rose and alexa.

"hey so I want to have a before and after party at our place this Saturday for the dance if you do. Ive already invited Rachel and tina who I just met," I told my sisters.

"ok ill invite tom," alexa told me.

Tom was her 20 yr old boyfriend. Theyd been going out for a year.

"and ill invite lucy," rose said.

"lucy?" I asked.

"this girl I know from here. Shes nice. She has 6 siblings. I think evan knows one of them."

"oh ok cool."

"I do," Hannah said.

"as do I," lily said.

"ok cool. Ill talk to evan and jesse about it today."

"ok."

I pulled out my phone and texted evan.


	10. Karen: Monday

Karen

That night I got a call from my brother David.

"yeah?" I asked answering the phone.

"hey are you coming for thanksgiving?" he asked.

Thanksgiving. And it wasn't even Halloween yet. This shocked me.

"well hello to you too," I said.

"sorry hi what are your plans for thanksgiving?" he asked more politely.

"there we go that's better," I knew we were both smiling: "um I don't know yet why?"

"mom wants to do something. I just talked to her."

"and I wont be there if she is. Or if Andrew is. And I don't want to subject my children to Charlie. Um. Charlie's drinking."

"I know but you know much family means to her. And no one should be alone during the holidays."

"yeah it means so much to her that she hurt some of her own."

"I thought you were over that."

"I am! But again, my children. It just….im just scared. I know its less common w/ grandparents but it still happens."

"I know."

"who all does she want to have?"

"well me, Emily, Andrew, Charlie, Stacey, Sam and their kids. And yours if you'll come."

"oh. Cant we do both? We could have one here too w/ Emily, Stacey, Sam, and you. And their kids. And maybe Charlie."

"ok ill tell her."

"ok."

We hung up.


	11. Ashley: After School

Ashley

That day after school jesse and karen called evan, Hannah, alexa, rose, lily and I into jesses room. Karen and jesse had separate rooms. It was between 3 and 4 in the afternoon and I hadn't yet left for ballet. And Hannah and alexa hadn't yet left for work. Karen and jesse were all sitting on jesses bed the rest of us on the floor.

"so david called today," karen told us.

David was her brother. Well one of them.

We all looked at her expectantly.

"about thanksgiving. Our mom wants to get together w/ Andrew, Charlie, Emily, Stacey, sam, grace and us. Ive told david I don't want to be there if mom and Andrew are there and that we could have 2 thansgivings."

Andrew, Charlie, Emily, sam and grace were karens other siblings. She barely talked to her mom, Andrew or Charlie. Things still weren't good between them. Mom had a dark past that she rarely talked about. Evan, Hannah, alexa, rose, lily and I all knew this but I don't know if mandy, Louisa, kate and anna did.

"mom?" evan asked.

She turned to him: "yes?"

I flexed my feet back and forth. Id forgotten to put ben gay on my tendons after ballet this morning.

"ben gay?" lily asked noticing this.

I nodded.

"I have some you can use."

"ok."

We turned back to jesse, evan and karen.

"you havent told us why you and your mom don't talk. Or why you and Andrew don't. or you and Charlie," evan pointed out.

"um," karen looked toward the door making sure it was closed, "you see Charlie drinks. And Andrew hadn't been good to me. Kristy and I havent talked in ages and my parents were awful to me. However I get on w/ the rest. Youre not to tell the younger ones this. They shouldn't know untill theyre 16."

"oh. Wow. Ok. We wont."

"yeah I want to see aunt Emily. And aunt grace. And uncle sam," I said.

"and uncle david too," Hannah said.

"ok ill let them know," karen said.

"is Maureen coming?" jesse asked.

"whos Maureen?" alexa who hadn't spoken asked.

"your aunt staceys sister," jesse told her.

"oh."

"and I don't know," jesse told karen.

"ok ill invite her," karen said.

"oh my mom called. She wants to get together for thanksgiving too I told her itd be easier for her to come to us than for see her since theres more of us."

"ok and suzanne and kelly too."

"who are they?" rose asked.

"my moms sisters," jesse said.

"oh."

"yeah itll be good for her to get out," karen said.

"yeah I know," jesse said.

I knew that ever since her husband had passed 20 years ago jesses mom hadn't been the same.

"so looks like itll be Emily, grace, sam, david, Stacey maybe Maureen, maybe sara, suzanne and kelly here," karen said.

I presumed sara was jesses mom.

"yeah ok," he said.

"ok any other news?" karen asked us.

"yeah um we want to have 2 parties this weekend a before and after for the dance. We're inviting some friends from school. Toms coming. Im inviting some friends from work ruby and ariel. Um. If that's ok w/ you," I said.

"well that sounds like a good idea good way to get to know people. And ill invite bobbys kids too. What time is the dance?"

"at 7. So the party could be like…well well need time to get ready and all…..um that'll take about 2 hrs. I don't know how long the dance is going to be. So the party could start at 11. Um. Weve asked for the day off work and rose, lily and I don't have ballet that night or the following morning which means Sunday night and Monday well put in some extra time which means we wont be in school," I informed them.

"ok. If theres going to be alcohol here I want jesse and evan to be here. I might be here I might not im not sure yet."

"ok fair enough."


	12. Kate: Monday: Halloween Costume Ideas

Eva Cassidy was a blues singer. She died in 1996. you'll need to know that for this chapter.

**Kate**

It was the next week. I was out of my coma and the hospital. I was back home. It was also early October which meant that Halloween was in a few weeks. I was finally old enough to take Anna out trick-or-treating this year. Dad and I were sewing the costumes, being that he was an artist. I was going as an alien and she was going as a crayon. The leaves and weather had changed. Then Thanksgiving and Christmas would come. Anna's 11th was December 31st. My 14th wasn't untill next summer.

It was nice not to be in the hospital. I hated my disease and what it had done to me. I'd lost 20 lbs because somehow my spleen had enlarged, causing me to feel full. I'd also been so sick I couldn't keep a thing down. These 2 factors meant I didn't eat as much. And every so often more bruises would appear.

My older sister Alexa's boyfriend Tom was the only one who knew what this was like. Hed had cancer and was now in remission.

It was afternoon. My mom was still at work. I was in my room, on my bed, listening to music. The music of Eva Cassidy, who'd died of cancer when she was 33.

I knew my parents were worried when I was in elementary school that I wouldn't finish. Now they were worried I wouldn't finish middle school. Dad's sister, who shared my name and birthday, had died of cancer when she was in high school.

Tom walked into the room my younger sister Anna and I shared and sat on the edge of my bed. He was tall, long, lean, slender and thin. And bald, which I knew Alexa found attractive.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," I replied.

"How ya doin?" he asked.

"I'm so through with all of this. Even when I was in remission it always comes back. God I hate being sick. And when I'm _not_ sick I'm tired."

"I know how that is. I went through the same thing, as did my mom."

His mom had died of ovarian cancer.

"She hated it too. She hated it even more that she couldn't have any more children. She loved children."

"You really miss her," I observed.

"Yeah. I do. I do'nt usually talk about it, except with you or my girlfriend."

I shifted.

"You know, if it hadn't been for my disease you never would've met her," I said.

"Yeah that's what I pointed out to her, Kate. I don't think it really helped."

He glanced around the room.

"So. Eva Cassidy huh?" he asked.

"Yeah she...died of cancer..." I began.

"When she was 33. My mom loved her."

"I can relate to her, ya know?"

Tom nodded; "exactly."

"Got any plans for Halloween?" he asked.

"I'm taking Anna out. I'm finally old enough."

I smiled.

"Excited?" Tom asked.

"Oh yeah. You got any plans?"

"Yeah, Alexa and I are going to a Halloween party. We're thinking of going as a famous couple we're just not sure who."

"You could go as Frida and Diego."

"Who?"

"Frida,...Kahlo. Diego Rivera? The artists?"

Tom looked me, confused.

"He was the guy who painted all the lilies."

"Oh! Was she the chick with one eyebrow?"

I laughed; "yes Tom."

"Oh, she's cool. See, that's why I like you Kate. You're so creative."

"Thank you. Dad and I can help you with the costumes."

"Ok."

"Well art's a big part," I said.

"I remember those days."

"Wow. I'm suddenly really tired. Even though I was in a drug induced coma last week and you'd _think_ I wouldn't be. But I am. I'm sorry."

"It's ok."

Tom got up and leftthe room.

"Hey Dad!" I called.

He rushed into my room.

"What is it Kate? Are you ok? Do you need anything?" he asked.

I smiled; "yes Dad I'm _fine_."

"Oh. Ok."

"Tom and I were talking about Halloween plans. I gave him the idea of going as Frida and Diego for Halloween and I was thinking..."

-XXX-

I wandered into my dad's room that day. He was sitting at his desk drawing. He looked up when I came in.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Hey um I need to talk to you about our Halloween costumes," I said.

"Ok," he out his pencil down, "what do you have in mind?"

I came into the room and sat on his bed.

"Well. I want to go as an alien and Anna wants to be a crayon."

"Ok what color?"

"I don't know."

"Well for her costume she could wear construction paper for the body and a witch's hat which we'd cover in construction paper. And if it rains or snows she could carry an umbrella the same color as her costume."

"That sounds easy."

"And for you. You'd need those giant eyes."

"Or…or we could glue a whole bunch of googly eyes together in the shape of those giant eyes," I said.

"Yeah. That might actually be better. I don't know what we'd do for the costume though."

"Yeah me either," I said.


	13. Amanda: Monday Night: Arguing

**Amanda**

It was a typical Sunday night for our family of 12. My 14 yr old twin sister Louisa and I were arguing in the cold, medium size kitchen, a few feet away from each other. This happened often. We were arguing about my eating disorder versus our younger sister Kate's disease which was cancer. Well leukemia actually. She'd had it since she was 2. I of course hadn't eaten dinner which also happened often.

It was between 10 and 11 that night so it was getting late. From last Thursday and untill now and the following week and the week after, my sisters rose, lily and Ashley who was 17 had ballet 2x a day from 5 - 7 a.m. and p.m. and then Ashley had her job at the bookstore w/ Hannah which ended at 10. Theyd been home since.

Ashley wafted through the room not saying a word. She was letting us work things out on our own which is why she stayed quiet. She opened the white fridge which was a few feet behind me. I didn't have to look to know she was taking out a large green bottle of Canada Dry marked 'Kate' in black Sharpie not even looking at us just beelining for the soda. This happened a lot which was how I knew without looking. The fact that she was so focused on getting the soda made it clear it was about Kate and not us. After she took the soda and the fridge quickly closed she went back upstairs from where shed came.

Of course. It was always about Kate.

Kate was probably sick again which is why Ashley'd gotten the Canada dry out of the fridge. It was for Kate's nausea. We also had cranberry juice for that same purpose. When Mom or Dad [who Ashley, alexa, hanna, rose, lily and marie reffered to as karen and jesse being that they weren't their biological parents] weren't here Ashley took over kept things together. And when Ashley wasn't here Alexa took over. Lily, Hannah, alexa and rose were all 16. Marie, Louisa and i were 14. Kate was 13, Anna was 10 and Evan was 18.

"No Amanda. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself!" Louisa shouted to me.

"Well, what if I want to?" I countered back.

"Do you want to die? End up like Kate?"

I already was slowly dying but other than our older brother Evan, who was 19 and had his own place, no one seemed to take much notice. I was dying bc of my eating disorder which I'd had for a year now ever since I found out about….the secret. Ever since I knew what happened to me.

"_I_ don't have cancer! _She_ does. Hers is purely physical," I pointed out.

"Yeah well, you have some of the same symptoms."

I knew Louisa was right. Both Kate and I had nausea and dizziness.

"She doesn't have a choice. I do."

"Well, not any more," Louisa told me.

She was right.

When Louisa told me she wasn't going to let me do this to myself she meant she was going to do everything she could to help me live. As was my body. It's not so much that I wanted to die as I wanted to not be here.

_It was a year ago. I was 13._

_i ran out of the hotel and onto the sidewalk into the dark. I ran down the cement sidewalk as far from the hotel as I could get. I kept running until I bumped into the solid body of someone tall. The night was dark and cold._

_"Oh," I said having no idea who I'd bumped into, "sorry."_

_I remembered to be polite in my time of distress._

_"That's alrite," he said._

_"I,um. I need to find a bathroom."_

_My fingers itched for a razorblade._

_"Ok there's one in the hotel."_

_"No not that hotel I can't go back there!"_

_"Ok ok we'll go to another one calm down," he told me putting his arm around me._

_I shrugged it off: "don't you touch me!"_

Although I didn't know it at the time I was already experiencing symptoms of PTSD.

_His arm slipped off._

_He held his hands up in defense: "ok ok."_

_"And I'm not going to a hotel with you."_

_I didn't trust guys after what'd just happened to me. Understandably. _

_"Look, miss," he began._

_"Amanda," I supplied._

_"Right, Amanda. For some reason you won't go back to the hotel you just came from. Now my family and I are staying in one further up the road. Where there'r bathrooms. You comin or not?"_

I now had a decision to make.

Other than the guy I'd bumped into the night it happened and 4 of Ashley's friends from the city - Lily, Reenah, Miranda and Scarlette who I'd gotten ahold of via email - no one knew about the secret. Not even Evan. Not even Louisa. It was a hard thing to tell someone and weighty too.

And by 'the city' I mean new York which was where Ashley lived up untill our parents rescued her a year ago from her abusive dad and good thing too. And then brought her here to cherry creek where we lived in Denver, CO. my mom and her friends had grown up in Connecticut dad in Rhode island. Her mom had passed when she was little. They were originally from New Orleans and then moved to Brooklyn. Ashley's last name was Jenkins.

_Id been sick lately. And not just bc of the eating disorder. Id started getting sick a month after the incident. After what happened. I didn't eat on purpose. I couldn't. why should I help something grow that was a product of something that painful? Maybe the less I ate the less id grow. And the less whatever was growing inside me would. it's a horrible thought I know. Id emailed Ashley's friend scarlette about this and she understood. She was going through the same thing herself. Louisa walked in on me one day being sick. Asking if there was anything she could do. And id told her no. I wanted to deal w/ this on my own even though I knew eventually it would destroy me. Even more than it already had._


	14. Ashley: Kate, Bathroom

Ashley

I took the soda through the kitchen, living room upstairs and down the hall into the bathroom where Kate was.

"hi honey. Here's your soda," I said putting it on the floor and closing the bathroom door.

I sat down on the floor.

"thanks," she whispered.

"sure. Anything else I can do for you?"

"no I….just stay here untill our parents get back. Ok?"

"ok."

I opened the bottle for her and handed it to her.

"why cant Evan take me?" she asked referring to our brother who was 19.

I sighed.

"I've explained this to you Kate. They need parents to sign you into the hospital sweetie."

"oh. But I don't feel good."

"I know and I'm sorry. There's only so much we can do for you."

"oh," she was disappointed.


	15. Alexa: Monday Night: Kate's Sick, Tom

**Please Review**

**[Alexa]**

**11 p.m.**

My 20 year old boyfriend Tom and I'd been together for a year meeting when he was waiting for more chemo in the hospital. At the time I was waiting for my younger sister Kate to get her chemo. Tom was now in remission.

* * *

_I was in a large patient room with my sister Kate, who was sitting up on a hospital bed. Evan was standing against a table next to a tall bald guy. Kate was waiting for the results of a blood cell count. Around us patients were waiting in beds some of them bald and some losing their hair. All were wearing hospital gowns, including Kate. Nurses were buzzing in and out. The room was cold._

_I could feel the guy looking at me._

_"Hey," I said looking at him._

_"Um. Hi."_

_"What are you here for?"_

_His sunken brown eyes scanned the room._

_" 'Lexa. He's probably here the same reason I am," Kate whispered to me, leaning over._

_"Oh. So he is."_

_I also felt a bit awkward but not as awkward as he felt._

_"Yeah. Chemo, actually," the guy said._

_"Chemo, hmmm. I hear that's a bitch. I mean, not that I'd know."_

_A nurse looked at me._

_'Sorry' Kate mouthed to the nurse._

_The guy laughed._

_"You have a nice laugh," I told him._

_He smiled; "Thanks. You have nice hair."_

* * *

-XXXX-

_"So. Chemo," I said to Tom as we walked out of Kate's hospital room._

_"Yeah. It's a bitch," he replied._

_"So I've heard."_

_I'd just told him this not a moment ago._

_"Lexa, right?" he asked._

_"No, _A_lexa. That's just what my sister calls me."_

_"The girl in the hospital bed?"_

_"Yeah the...only other female in the room."_

_"Right. She's how old?"_

_"13," I replied._

_"Oh. And you are?"_

_"16. You?"_

_"20."_

_"Wow, almost 21. You drink?"_

_"No I...um...can't."_

_"Oh, that's right."_

_"It's ok."_

_"Sure, gum sounds great," I told him, answering his original question._

_He pulled a stick of gum out of his pocket and handed it to me: "thanks."_

_"Sure. What's your sister here for?"_

_"Blood transfusion, AML._

_"Ohh."_

_"Yeah, I'm not here for anything other than waiting for her to get done. That was my older brother Evan, back there. You got any siblings?" I asked._

_"Yeah, 2 sisters and a brother, all younger."_

_"Oh."_

* * *

Tom and I were making out in my bedroom on my bed. He smelled like cologne. Downstairs we heard the front door open. My 17 year old sister Ashley came down the hallway and stairs. I was 16 which made Ashley older. There were 4 years between tom and I. The door opening indicated that my adoptive parents Karen and jesse were back.

Tom was wearing dark pants and a black t shirt. I was in jeans and a white t shirt.

"Mom," we heard Ashley say, getting her attention.

"Yes dear?" karen replied.

There was a pause and then I heard karen and Jesse rush up the stairs followed by Ashley. Something must've happened. Up untill they rushed upstairs tom and I'd been content in my room. The rushing indicated that they were going somewhere quickly.

"Alexa, we're going to the hospital," Ashley told me on her way down the narrow carpeted hall.

She was walking fast.

I knew why. Kate was sick, again. Kate was 13. She'd been diagnosed when she was 2.

Ashley was probably walking quickly in order to get to kate who was most likely in the bathroom.

This couldn't be good.

Tom and I pulled away from each other.

"This can't be good," I told him.

"Does anyone ever go to the hospital when it's good?" he told me, smiling.

We were now sitting on my bed facing each other our legs crossed. His arms were around me on my lower back.

"Alexa! Now!" Ashley commanded.

"Coming," I called.

Tom and I stood and came out of the room his arm wrapped around my waist.

"What happened?" karen asked our 10 year old sister Anna, panic in her blue eyes.

Anna was in a long sleeve black v neck and black pants.

"Ashley was the first to notice," my sister said looking at karen.

karen turned and looked at Ashley.

I wondered what Anna meant.

She was pale w/ big dark brown eyes and long brown hair.

We all were waiting for what Ashley was going to tell us.

"I walked down the hall and heard retching. Kate was bleeding, she told me when I asked."

"Omygod," Mom whispered.

karen was surprised. She was whispering bc she didn't want to upset us.

"She's bruised," Jesse whispered.

He knew this because with the bleeding often came bruising. It was part of her illness.

"How's Amanda?" karen asked Ashley.

"She doesn't need to be hospitalised."

"Oh thank god. One child is all I can handle right now. Cmon help me get her up," karen said to Jesse and the dark haired woman beside her.

Ashley was in a pink v neck t shirt black pants and black platform sandals.

Sometimes because of her eating disorder Amanda had to be hospitalised as well. Mom was relieved that this wasn't going to happen.

We all went down the hall into the small white bathroom where Kate was. Kate, who once had been blonde, was now bald but her blue eyes hadn't changed color. The twins and Ashley were blue eyed blondes as well as was mom. Jesse had color changing eyes. They changed from dark brown to silver.

They bent down and lifted Kate. The bathroom was cold. As they bent down I noticed karen smelled like perfume and Jesse like cologne.

Karen was in a purple suit Jesse in black. Kate was in a white t shirt and jeans.

"Mom?" Anna asked wondering what was going on.

"We're going to the hospital sweetie. To help your sister."

Anna just nodded.

"She's light," Jesse observed.

"Well, of course she's light! She's been sick on and off for the past week! What did you expect? If you were here more you'd know that," Ashley said to karen annoyed.

Ashley was referring to the fact that because Kate had been sick she'd lost weight which was why she was light.

"Ashley," karen said warningly.

"Sorry."

"Go gather the others," Jesse said calmly. To Ashley.

He, karen and the other woman slowly and carefully brought Kate down the wide curving white carpeted stairs into the big white living room with Anna following close behind.

"We can take my car," he told Ashley; "it'll fit 5."

"Ok good. So that's you...Alexa, me, Marie and...the twins need to be together, with Lily. Oh, and Rose," Ashley said.

They were our other sisters.

"Ok."

"You go ahead. I have to tell the twins something," Ashley said.

"Ok."

Tom, Marie, Rose and myself walked down the stairs. We waited untill our parents had driven away to go out the large tall white wooden front door and into Tom's waiting dark car. Tom and I got in the front while Rose and Marie got in the back. We waited for Ashley.

The only people left in the house were the twins, Lily and Hannah.

After a few minutes Ashley came into the waiting car.

"Hannah'll take the rest," she told us.

Besides Evan and our parents Hannah was the only other member of our family who drove.

"Ok."

Tom drove us to the hospital.


	16. Ashley: Hospital

**Please Review**

**[Ashley]**

By the time we got to the big white medicine-smelling clean hospital it was already dark out. It had been dark since 7 that night. It was now almost midnight. The hospital as always was lit.

When we arrived everyone went their seperate ways. Amanda and Louisa split up. Before they left I'd warned Amanda to be careful.

"She's already _in_ a hospital," Tom, my adoptive 16 year old sister alexa's 20 year old boyfriend, pointed out logically, "what could possibly happen to her here?"

He smelled like cologne.

He had a point. If you were already sick it was better to be in the hospital than not. And Amanda was. She had an eating disorder. Which she'd had for a year.

I went into the medium size waiting room where Karen and Jesse were sitting in comfortable blue chairs. I noticed that both my parents smelled good. Karen like perfume and wine and Jesse like cologne and beer. Karen in purple and Jesse in black.

"Hey," I said.

"Hi honey," Karen said.

"Hey Ashley," Jesse said.

"How is she?" I asked, getting straight to the point as was my habit.

"Both Kate and Anna are in operating rooms. Anna's giving her more marrow. So it could be awhile. I'll probably have to stay here overnight," Karen replied, sounding tired.

Kate and Anna were my sisters. Anna was 10 Kate 13. Besides Evan and the twins they were the only biological children of Karen and Jesse. But all of them were my adoptive siblings.

Anna's giving Kate more bone marrow was a regular occurance since Kate had been diagnosed w/ leukemia when she was 2, 11 yrs ago.

"Oh."

"How's Amanda? She ok?" Jesse asked quickly following a question w/ another.

"Yeah. Well, no, not really. But she doesn't have to be hospitalised, which..."

We took as a really good sign.

"Right. You ready for the concert tomorrow?"

"Yeah. We're pretty well rehearsed."

"Ok."

"Marie and I are going grocery shopping today," I said.

"Ok. Call me if you need anything."

"We will."

Marie was my 14 year old sister.

"How were things at home?" Jesse asked.

"The twins had another argument, involving Amanda."

Mom sighed.


	17. Chapter 117

Ashley

After I got done talking to mom and dad I went to where Amanda was and sat down next to her.

"hi honey how you doin?" I asked.

"like you care," she replied.

I looked at her my head tilted desperate.

"im….ok I guess. Been better."

"havent we all. Oh im sorry I mean whats wrong?"

"well for one I don't have cancer."

"um….yeah…." I said not quite getting it.

"and kate does. So its like my prob- how im doing don't even matter bc every time someone asks about me im were interrupted by her."

"oh honey. It must make you anxious."

She spread her hands palms facing each other to emphasize her point: "yeah. It does."


	18. Amanda

**Amanda**

While we were waiting for kate to get checked in I'd gone outside. I was outside the large white hospital, on a gray cement curb surrounded by the cold and city lights. I really wanted to get away from all the drama. The drama of my 13 yr old sister Kate. who always needed rescuing. Well, sometimes it was me. But nearly every night it was her. I couldn't get through a day without hearing something about bleeding or bone marrow. It was never about me or how much I weighed. And when it was the only thing that occured were arguments. Arguments about when I'd eat or my 17 year old sister Ashley telling me I needed to or my not telling her. Or about my needing to gain weight. Sometimes I argued with Mom or Dad. Ashley was the one who took over when Mom or Dad couldn't.

I looked up into the clear sky and tried to count the stars. Evan had once told me that the stars were fires, big fires as you got closer to them. I knew somewhere he was setting a fire.

I pulled out my phone, flipped it open and texted Ashley.

**'going to find evan' **the message read.

I sent the message and flipped the phone closed then stood up.

I walked out into the darkness.


	19. Evan: Fire: 1st

**Evan**

While the rest of my family was doing god knows what I was setting fires. Literal ones. I'd left the hospital and wandered into the nearby forest and lit up, accidentally on purpose forgetting to put my cigerette out.

I'd brought my lighter and smokes. Id been smoking for about a year.

After that I headed downtown and just stood there for awhile, watching the world go by. The world was dark and cold and far away from my sisters. 16 year old Alexa was most likely with her 20 year old boyfriend Tom, Mom was trying, without much success, to rescue 13 year old Kate and 14 year old Amanda from the diseases that would eventually end up killing them. Dad, of course, was staying calm in order to help Mom. Kate would probably need more bone marrow or a blood transfusion or something. Mom knew quite a bit about Kate's disease and some about Amanda's. But, as much as she knew about Amanda's, Amanda wouldn't tell her much. Amanda wouldn't tell any of us much, except myself. For some reason, even though Amanda and Louisa are twins, Amanda felt closer to me. Maybe it's because I was older, at age 18, a year older then Ashley. Or didn't spend much time at home. Or had my own place. Whatever the reason, she told me more than she told anyone.

I loved fire. Starting it, watching it burn, destroy things that once meant something to someone. Or, in some cases, a person who meant something else to another person. It was beautiful but it could be deadly if you weren't careful with it. You at first think you've got it under control. But then it spreads and you realise you don't. It can kill.

Kind of like cancer. And addictions. We all have our little habits.


	20. Kate

I know this an abrupt random chapter and there's not a lot to it. Even though it's abrupt it's necessary for the story.

**Please Review.**

* * *

**[****Kate]**

I was in the hallway in a white paper hospital gown.

"Step on the scale," the dark haired nurse whose name tag read 'Lena' told me.

I stepped on the old fashioned tall, black metal scale next to the wall. She slid the small numbers along their metal lines.

"Oh my. You've lost quite a bit of weight," she told me; "how tall are you?"

She was surprised by the weight loss.

"5'4."

"You're new here aren't you?" I asked her having not seen her before.

"Yes but I have your chart right here," she assured me in case I thought her incompetent.

She looked down at the thin silver clipboard she was holding.

"Kate right?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Parents Jesse Fitzgerald and Karen Brewer?"

"Um, they're not married but yes."

"It says here that you were diagnosed with leukemia at age 2."

"Right."

"Okkk. Your donor's your sister Anna?"

I nodded.

I wondered what 'quite a bit of weight' meant given I was 130 at my heaviest.

"Now come with me," the nurse said.

I followed her down the hallway into a room.

"Any other symptoms?"

"Just the usual bruising. Oh, and I've been bleeding quite a bit. That's how I ended up here."

"Right."

"I haven't been hungry."

I went and sat on the bed. She wrote all this on the paper on the clipboard.

A nurse my family knew, Alice, came into the room. Lena handed her my chart.

"Thank you Lena," Alice said.

Lena left. Alice looked at me.

"Hi Kate," she said.

"Hi."

"She's new here," Alice explained, about Lena.

"Yeah, I figured given she asked me my medical history and was surprised I'd lost 'quite a bit of weight', as she put it."

"And I already know who you are."

"Yeah. That would've been easier."

It would've been easier bc we already know each other.

"Nothing's ever easy in this world Kate."

"Yeah. I know."

"Well, you have lost quite a bit of weight. 20 pounds, to be exact."

That meant I was now 110. My 14 year old sister Amanda probably weighed less.

"Hmm," Alice said, looking back down at my chart, "ok, got your first period a week after your birthday. Good."

I knew that with my type of cancer, one of the symptoms was that your body didn't mature as quickly as other people's.

"Let's take a look at that white blood cell count," Alice said.

"Ok," I agreed.

* * *

I followed alice down the hall where she drew my blood. It didn't take long.


	21. Louisa: Cut: 1st

**Louisa**

While everyone was waiting for kate to be checked in to the hospital I was in in a stall in one of the womens restrooms in the hospital. I was cutting. Id been cutting for about a yr. it had all started bc of my friend lauren whod introduced me to the concept and mandy who. Was my sister. The first time I realised she was sick was the day I first cut.

* * *

_I was 13 when I first cut, a year ago. It was Lauren who first introduced me to cutting. I say 'introduced me to' as thought the razorblade, cutting, sharp objects...as though it's all a close personal friend. But I suppose that's how it is when you're a cutter._

_It was the day I first knew Amanda was sick. After I'd left the bathroom I ran down the hall, stairs and out the front door, passing Evan on the front porch along the way._

_"Louisa, where you goin?" he asked as I breezed past him._

_"Lauren's," I called back._

_I walked in the warm day to my friend's house, where I rang the doorbell._

_"Hey," her older sister Renee said, appearing at the doorway: "Lauren's in her room."_

_She opened the door for me and stepped back as I entered._

_"Thanks," I called, going through their living room and up the stairs._

_Once there I heard Billie Holiday floating through the air._

_"Laur-" I began._

_She opened her door at the end of the hallway._

_I quickly approached the door to her bedroom. She let me in her room, closing the door behind me. I went and sat on her purple bedspread._

_"Hey," she said, moving the needle on her record player._

_She was one of the few people I knew of who still had a record player._

_"Whatsup?"_

_"Mandy's sick," I told her._

_"Sick with...?"_

_"No. She doesn't eat."_

_"Oh jeez," she said, sliding a record out of its case; "When'd you find out?"_

_"Just now. I walked into the bathroom to get some tampons and she was there. Vomiting."_

_She sat down on her floor and looked at me, completely abandoning the record._

_"Cat scratches?" I asked, looking at her pale arms which had cuts running up and down them._

_"No. Here," she tossed me a small black film canister._

_It fell onto the bed._

_Her cat Sophia wandered into the room and settled herself in Lauren's lap._

_I picked up the film canister and opened it. Inside was a sliver of metal._

* * *

-XXXX-

_I looked down at the canister in my hand and then put 2 and 2 together. Lauren cut._

_I looked at her: "you...?"_

_She nodded: "yeah. It helps. You can have it."_

_"Um. Thanks?"_

_"Sure."_

_"How long have you been..."_

_"Cutting?" Lauren filled in, sensing I was uncomfortable._

_I nodded; "yeah."_

_"A few months now."_

_"Wow. Does it hurt?"_

_"Not after awhile, no. But it feels. Amazing."_

_"But why?"_

_"You know. I'm the ignored middle child."_

_She had a younger sister Anna's age and an older brother Lily's age._

_"Yeah. I've been feeling that way myself lately, what with Kate and Mandy."_

_"Exactly."_

_We went out my front door and walked to Lauren's._

_"They'll be too busy with Amanda to even notice me," I said._

_She pulled out her small metal key and unlocked the wood front door of her house which she opened._

_"As you know, Brian's in Paris. Tina's at a friends and my parents are . .." Lauren said._

_"In Indiana. Yes I know."_

_"Come in come in would you like anything to eat?" Lauren asked, pushing the door open._

_"Oh yes, seeing as I hardly had any breakfast at my house."_

_"Ok."_

_We went into the small living room where we put our stuff down. Lauren closed and locked the door and I went into the kitchen where she soon arrived._

_"Hey . . . " I said as she plugged in the round black metal waffle iron._

_She turned and looked at me._

_"Yeah?" she asked._

_"Is it ok if I stay here for a few days?" I asked._

_"Um, well, it's ok with me."_

_"Right yeah I know I'll have to ask my parents but I'm sure they won't mind. It'll take that much off their mind."_

_"Yeah I know. Cmon let's go up to my room."_

_"Ok."_

_"That's where the um, razors are."_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_Up from her room music was drifting._

_"Oh, I guess I forgot to turn the music off. When nobody's home I like to feel like someone is."_

_I listened to the music for a bit and realised it was her._

_"No, it's fine. I like it."_

_"It's me."_

_"I know."_

_"I know."_

_"I'm thinking of selling these at school in the coffee shop. What do you think?"_

_"I think that would be fine."_

_We continued up the stairs and down the hall to her room where she had posters of Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald and a 1940's piano bar._

_"Wow," I said._

_"Yeah, I know. Come in, make yourself comfortable. I'll be right with you."_

_"Ok."_

_She ducked into her white closet._

_"I know it's around her somewhere . . ." she muttered._

_"Something I can help with?" I asked_

_"No, no. . .I just need to find . . .it. Oh, hi Sophia."_

_Sophia, her cat, must've been asleep._

_"Oh I love this song," I said as 'love me like a river does' entered the room._

_"Yeah me too. I love that whole . . .Sophia, are you? get off that."_

_A minute later Lauren whirled around holding a jewelry box in her hand._

_"A . . .jewelry box?" I asked._

_"Louisa don't you know anything?"_

_"Um well . . ."_

_"It's what's inside the jewelry box."_

_"Um . . .jewelry?"_

_"As obvious as it sounds, no."_

_"Oh. Well, what is?"_

_"Hold on."_

_"It's to throw them off track," she told me, crossing the room to sit on the bed next to me._

_"What is?"_

_"The jewelry box."_

_"Oh."_

_She opened it and pulled out...a small black film canister._

_"Oh. I'm guessing there's not film in there."_

_"No. No, there's not. You guessed right."_

_"Here," she said, handing it to me._

_"Um, what?" I asked._

_"I have to go put the waffle batter in. It's ok, go on, look."_

_"Oh. Ok."_

_She left the room._

_I sat there in her quiet room and looked around._

* * *

_It was about a year or so earlier. _

_I walked into the open, white bathroom, with the intention of getting more tampons._

_"Hey, just came in to get some-" I said._

_It was then that I saw her._

_My sister, my twin, Amanda bent over the toilet. The acrid smell of vomit hit me._

_"Amanda. What are you doing? Are you ok?" I asked._

_She looked up at me, fear and pain in her blue eyes._

_"I'm sick, Louisa," she told me._

_"Do you want me to get Mom? Or Dad?"_

_"No, they're probably too busy with Kate."_

_"Or Evan?" I asked, knowing how close the 2 of them were._

_She shook her head._

_"Oh. Well...what do you want me to do?"_

_"Nothing Louisa. Not a damn thing. Because there's not a fukin thing you can do!"_

_"Oh. My god."_

It wasn't untill much later that I realised she was doing this intentionally.

* * *

_It was Monday morning. Breakfast smells wafted up from downstairs. I looked around and realised Mandy wasn't in the room._

_"Girls!" Dad called from downstairs._

_"Yeah?" I asked._

_"Time for breakfast."_

_"Ok we'll be right down."_

_"Is Amanda up there?"_

_"Um Idinno I'll check."_

_"Ok."_

_I got out of my bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. I turned the handle, realising the door was closed and locked. I knocked on it and put my ear close to see if I could hear anything._

_"Amanda?"_

_I heard a sigh from inside; "what Louisa?"_

_"Breakfast is ready," I said._

_"Tell Dad…"_

_"You're not hungry. Yeah I know I know," I said._

_As I was walking away from the bathroom I heard Amanda whisper "just 5 more pounds."_

_I bounded down the stairs and into the kitchen where Dad was waiting._

_"Hey," I said._

_"Hi," Dad said._

_On the kitchen table there were 3 waffles on 3 plates._

_"Where's Amanda?" Dad asked._

_"Where's Mom?" I countered._

_"She had an emergency; someone fainted at the clinic."_

_"You know who?"_

_"No. Where's your sister?" Dad asked._

_"Upstairs, again."_

_A knock came on the door._

_"I'll get it," Dad said, walking through the kitchen to the living room to get the door._

_"Lauren hi," I heard Dad say._

_"Hi Mr. Fitzgerald," Lauren said._

_"Come in come in,"_

_"Thank you."_

_"Apparently we have an extra waffle if you'd like it. It's in the kitchen as is Louisa," Dad said as he and Lauren walked into the kitchen._

_"Oh that would be great thank you. Where's Karen?" Lauren asked, of my mom._

_"She had an emergency at the clinic."_

_"Oh. Hey," Lauren said when they entered the room._

_I looked up; "hey Lauren."_

_"Amanda comin?"_

_"No but we have an extra waffle."_

_"Yeah that's what your dad just said."_

_"Oh."_

_"Um…I have something to tell you."_

_"Oh?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"It's about Pansy…"_

* * *

_-XXXX-_

_It was later that night and Lauren and I were up in my room._

_The front door slammed open._

_"Oh good Karen you're home," I heard Dad say._

_"I don't have time for this right now Jesse I've had a long day," Mom said, exasperated._

_"Amanda's…" Dad said._

_"Up in her room? Again?"_

_"Yes. She's been in there all day, ever since I got her to come out of the bathroom."_

_"How long had she been in the bathroom?"_

_"I don't know," Dad answered._

_"Does Louisa know anything about this?"_

_"Yeah I think. Probably."_

_I looked at Lauren, knowing what was coming._

_"Louisa?" Mom called._

_"Yeah Mom?" I asked._

_"Can you come down here please? We need to talk to you."_

_"Yeah ok."_

_I looked at Lauren; "exscuse me."_

_She nodded; "mmhmm."_

_I walked out of my room, down the hall and down the stairs into the living room where Mom and Dad were waiting. Mom was still in her long dark wool coat._

_"Yes?" I asked._

_"Do you know anything about this?" Mom asked._

_"What?"_

_"Amanda's situation."_

_"Oh. Well this morning as I was going down the stairs to breakfast I heard her whisper something about 5 more pounds."_

_"Oh."_

_Mom looked at Dad; "has she eaten anything today?"_

_He looked back at her; "I I don't know. I don't think so."_

_"Crap."_

_Mom brushed past me with Dad behind her._

_"Scuse me," Mom said as she went past me up the stairs._

_I followed Dad who followed Mom up the stairs to Amanda's room where Mom knocked on the door._

_"Amanda?" she asked; "are you in there?"_

_"What do you want go away," Amanda said._

_Mom looked at dad; "thank god she's alive."_

_Dad nodded._

_"Of course I'm alive what do you think?" Amanda called._

_"Amanda can I talk to you?" Mom asked._

_"What about?"_

_"Your situation."_

_"Oh. No."_

_"Well I'm going to anyway. Listen…I had to leave for work early today because a young woman around your age had fainted and had to be brought to the clinic early this morning and I don't want the same thing happening to you."_

_Dad looked at me; "Louisa would you…?" he asked._

_"Yeah of course," I went into my room._

_"God she gets so much attention," I said._

_Lauren looked up when I entered the room._

_"So what's the verdict?" she asked._

_"I don't fukin know."_

_"Ohh."_

_"And you?"_

_"Me um my parents, and siblings are up in Indiana."_

_"Oh."_

_"Yeah."_

_"I hate this. It's so…" I began._

_"Frustrating?" Lauren guessed._

_"Yeah actually."_

_"Yeah I know the feeling. However…"_

_I looked at her; "what?" I asked._

_Lauren pulled up the sleeve of her long sleeve black sweater a few inches to show me a cut on her wrist._

_"What happened? Did Sophie…" I asked, inquiring if her cat had scratched her._

_"No I did, actually."_

_"Damn how?"_

_"Razor. I got a few extras if you want."_

_"Um…ok."_

_"They're back at my place."_

_"Ok."_

_We left my room and went downstairs._

_"Mom," I called behind me; "I'm going over to Lauren's for a bit."_

_Once we reached the living room I scribbled a note for Mom so she'd know where I was._

* * *

_"Louisa," my sister said from her bed that night._

_She'd woken me up._

_"Louisa?"_

_"Hmmm?"_

_"You awake?"_

_I shifted, stretching on my bed._

_"I am now."_

_Everyone else in the house was asleep. Our room and the rest of the house was dark._

_"I can't sleep," Mandy informed me._

_I heard her roll over in her bed._

_I stared at the black ceiling._

_"I'm not having breakfast tomorrow," my sister stated: "what's the point in making myself better when my own body killed what's rightfully mine?"_

_"Oh Mandy."_

_"Mom's too busy with Kate to take notice of me. You and Evan are the only ones who do."_

_Unfortunately that was true._

_"And that's not enough," my sister whispered into the darkness._

_"They're so centered around Kate...her leukemia, her slowly dying...they barely notice me."_

_"Everyone thinks about dying," I mused._

_"No. Everyone thinks about Kate dying. Not me. What if I...was the one dying? Well. I have been."_

_I sucked in my breath._

_"And that's still not enough."_

_"What is it like?" I wondered._

_"It hurts Louisa. Everything hurts when you look the way I do."_

_I rolled over on my stomach._

_"Mandy," I said._

_"Yeah?"_

_"I cut today."_

_"Why?"_


	22. Amanda: Getting Home

Amanda

It took me about an hour to get home. Outside was dark. It was a bit odd that after I left the hospital no one had contacted me to see if I wanted someone else to come w/ but not all that surprising. On the way to the house I passed mostly empty sidewalks as not many were out walking at this hour. I also passed trees and bushes and buildings and houses most of which were lit. when I got home I unlocked and opened the door.

I'd left the hospital and walked to the house where evan was.


	23. Evan: Midnight

**Midnight**

* * *

**Evan**

After setting the fire I'd gone to Mom and Dad's. My family was out somewhere. I didn't know how long they'd be gone or when they'd get back. My best guess was the hospital. I was sprawled on the thin white couch in the hallway leading from the entryway to the kitchen. To my right and in front of me was the living room. I was staring up at the white ceiling. Behind me was the big white staircase. There was the front door, entryway and the hallway leading to the kitchen. In that hallway was the couch where I was.

After about an hour of sitting, doing not much of anything, the front door opened.

"Hey," a voice said.

It was Amanda's. my 14 year old sister.

"Hey," I returned, from my spot on the couch.

"Why aren't you at your place?" she asked.

"Just felt like comin here. They at the hospital again?"

She lied down on the wooden floor in front of me.

She nodded; "yeah. You knew I'd be here huh?"

"Yeah, somethin like that. Isn't that uncomfortable?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

I was referring to her lying on the wooden floor.

"Evan, when you live with bones sticking out of you, everything's uncomfortable. A goose down _comforter_, is uncomfortable."

"Oh. So why aren't you at the hospital?"

"I got tired of all the Kate drama. Least here the only drama I have to deal with is Evan drama."

"Shut up," I said, smiling and flinging a white pillow at her.

I'd gotten the pillow from the couch.

"No, you're cool."

"Well, thank you very much."

"Not to mention conceited."

"Amanda," I said warningly.

"Alrite I'm sorry."

"They taking bone marrow from Anna again?" I guessed.

They being the doctors. They did this often because Kate our 2nd youngest sister after Anna had leukemia. She'd been diagnosed when she was 2. Anna had been born as a donor for Kate.

There were 3 years between Amanda and I, 4 between Kate and I and 6 between Anna and I. Amanda and her twin were 14, Kate was 13 and Anna was 10. I was a year older than Ashley who was 17. This made me 18.

"Yeah."

Amanda tossed the pillow up into the air.

"Earlier, Ashley passed by the bathroom and heard Kate retching. Louisa and I were arguing in the kitchen at the time. Ashley wafted through us, didn't say anything and got a big bottle of ginger ale from the fridge, you know the one marked 'Kate'?"

I nodded, picturing the exact one she was talking about.

"She took it upstairs. About an hour or so later Mom and Dad came home. Ashley informed them Kate was bleeding. So they all rushed to the hospital and I had no choice but to follow."

Ashley must've taken the bottle upstairs for Kate.

I wondered where mom and dad had been.

"Wow," was all I said.

"Funny," Amanda said, clutching the pillow to her chest, "they always know when Kate's sick, retching, but never me. I hide it so they won't find out but I kind of hope they will. By now, you would think someone would've noticed the obvious weight loss. Of course not. They're too focused on Kate. She thinks she's so special just because-"

Amanda realised what she'd said.

"Oh, my god. I did not mean that."

"No, I get it you want to feel free. Like someone notices you," I said.

"Yeah exactly."

"Why do you think I set fires?"

I glanced down at her and noticed a significant amount of weight loss. Shed lost weight bc of her eating disorder which had started last year.

"Maybe I should set fires too. Or nearly die. And even when I was...fuk. Ya know?"

I nodded; "yeah Mandy. I do."

"You know. You're the only one who ever calls me that."

"Oh Mandy. You came and you saw and you..." I started to sing.

Amanda smiled.

it was hours past dinnertime but we both knew enough not to bring it up.

"You're welcome to stay at my place Amanda. Any time you feel like...any time you need to," I told her.

"Thanks but. I'm good."

"Ok."

She turned on her side so her back was facing me. Through the thin silk of her beautiful dark blue blouse I could see the outline of her shoulder blades. I knew how much this pained her.

"And the only time they _do_ notice, it ends up in arguments. You know what Mom said to Ashley today when she thought I couldn't hear?" Amanda asked.

I waited.

"She said, 'oh thank god. I can only handle one child'. What she _meant_ was..."

"Between you and Kate," I finished.

"Yes. She thinks that doesn't hurt? That..."

I knew her next line would be, 'this, doesn't hurt'?.

"Yeah, but I know it does. God how could anyone not see that? You're so delicate. It scares me sometimes Mandy," I said.

I knew she was smiling.

"Yeah but that's what makes you so protective of me," she said.

She resumed her pillow tossing

I noticed several bruises up and down her arms, along with marks in the shape of stars.

"You have. Stars," I said quietly.

"I wanted to taste what they felt like. So I...made these."

I didn't say anything.

I wondered where the bruises had come from.

"Were they out tonight?" I asked.

"Yeah. As I looked at them I knew somewhere you were setting fires," she replied.

"And you were right, I was. In the woods. Forgot to put out my ciggerette. Walked there so they couldn't trace me."

We both loved the stars.

'They' being the police.

I started to get up, to get a blanket and long body pillow out of the linen closet to make Amanda more comfortable.

"Yes," she said, as soon as my feet hit the floor.

As though reading my thoughts.

I wandered over to the linen closet where I got out several blankets and pillows. I closed the door and walked back to the couch where I put the blankets and pillows on the floor next to Amanda. She slowly got up and rearranged them, then lied back down.

"Comfortable?" I asked.

"Mmmhmmm," she said, nodding.

"Mom staying the night at the hospital with Anna and Kate?" I asked.

"Yeah. I don't know when the others will be back. Alexa might stay the night at Tom's. Ashley said something about grocery shopping with Marie."

Alexa was our 16 year old sister .Tom was her 20 year old boyfriend. They'd been going out for about a year. Marie was our 14 year old sister.

"Oh," I said, knowing what that meant to my sister.

"Yeah so tomorrow morning will be a fukin picnic."

By now I knew enough to not ask about the bruises. I knew how she got them.

Silence fell between us. I thought of the bottle of wine tucked away in the linen closet. Cabarnet shiraz.

"Want a drink?" I asked, getting up.

"No I'm good."

"Ok."

I went to the linen closet and pulled out several linens untill I found 2 wine glasses and a bottle of wine with a wine bottle stopper plugged in the top.

"Oh, _that_ kind of drink," Amanda said.

"Yeah. Want some?"

"No."

"Ok."

I went back to the coffee table, which was in front of Amanda. I set the 2 glasses and the bottle on it, the bottle in the middle. I unplugged the stopper and started pouring the wine into one of the glasses.

"I wish it could go back to the way it used to be. Before Kate got sick...when it was just you, me and the parents. I wish we could be a normal family," Amanda told me, watching me pour.

"I know Mandy. But much as you may want to you can't change the past."

She sighed.

"Yeah I know. But a girl can dream."

She stretched out under the blankets. The wine glass was full. I set the bottle on the table.

"Favorite color?" I asked, playing our game.

"Pink, though yellow's a close second. You?" she asked, joining in.

"Orange. Element?"

"Water. The stars. Yours is fire."

"Right. Time of day?"

"Twilight. You?"

"Night. Flower?"

"Calla lily. You?"

"Black iris."

"Wow. Song?"

"Hallelujah," we both said at the same time.

"How'd you manage to sneak a bottle of wine past Mom?" Mandy asked.

I looked at her; "you really think she'd notice?"


	24. Karen: Next Day: Tuesday: 1 am

1 a.m.

Karen

Yesterday - Sunday - when jesse and id come home from the reunion Ashley had rushed to meet us. She informed us that ate was sick and had been for the past few hours. When kesse asked Ashley why she rose and lily weren't at ballet that night which they took 7 days a week 2x a day Ashley had told us that shed had a feeling something was wrong and wanted to be home for what it was. Wed arrived home at 11 p.m. we all drove to the hospital kate bleeding on my lap the way there. When we got to the hospital it was near midnight and they informed us that kate needed more platelets and bone marrow from anna. At the hospital they drew blood from anna put it in a bag and inserted it into kates arm. They had to do this before the bone marrow operation in case kate lost blood during that. This took 30 minutes. Because kate had lost blood and her body was still getting used to the transfusion she was shivering. The nurse we knew alice kept giving kate blankets. Theyd put both kate and anna under in order to perform the operation. Then theyd taken bone marrow from annas pelvis and inserted them into kates arm. The transplant took 6 hrs.

Jesse, Pam and I were waiting in the room, waiting to hear the results from Kate's bone marrow operation. We'd been at the hospital overnight. I was very tired. Before the doctors did the surgery they had anestesthized both Anna and Kate.

Alice, a nurse our family knew and liked, came out into the waiting room.

"You can come in," she told us.

We followed her down the long narrow thin white hall and into the room. Our daughters were lying motionless, one on each bed.

"They're still asleep as you can tell. Sit down," Alice told us, pulling over 2 uncomfortable dark blue plastic chairs.

She sat in one and Pam placed herself in the other. Jesse brought over 2 chairs, one for himself and the othe rfor me. We sat down.

Alice placed the charts on her lap.

"Your daughter's," she began, "lost a significant amount of weight."

"How much?" I asked.

"20 pounds."

"Wow."

Kate, had been who had been her heaviest at 130, was now 110.

"Has she been sick lately?" Alice asked.

I looked to Jesse who was home more and would know such things.

"Yes. She's been bleeding a lot too," he answered.

"That's what landed her in here in the first place," Pam put in.

"That's what she told me. In a few days we'll need to give her a blood transfusion to balance her platelet levels. This might help with some of the bleeding."

"Will it stop it?" I asked.

Alice looked at me.

"It might," she answered.

She turned back to Jesse.

"Could you remind me again of the family history of cancer?" Alice asked.

"My sister had it. AML."

"A rarity."

"Yes. She died from it, actually," Jesse continued.

"I'm very sorry Mr. Fitzgerald."

"Thank you."

"We're so afraid for Kate, that she won't..." I said, my blue eyes wide.

Pam placed her hand over mine.

"Does Kate cut?" Alice asked.

"What?" I asked, surprised.

"Ms. Brewer, as you most likely know, it's very common for girls Kate's age to do that."

"Oh. No, not that I know of."

"Ok. If she cuts and she gets an infection, her mortality rate goes down."

I nodded.

When anna and kate were getting their transfusions jesse and I's friends from the reunion and school bobby and Amanda came to the hospital. At which time Hannah, rose, lily and the twins were wandering around the hospital. Evan was back at the house and Ashley, alexa and tom were near us Ashley in the same waiting room as jesse and I, alexa and tom in another. Pam amd marie were elsewhere marie somewhere outside and pam in the hospital.

When the doors opened and bobby and Amanda came in jesse and I stood. Bobby and Amanda came towards us. We all hugged even though id seen them a few hours before.

"hey youre here," Jesse said

"yeah well. Pam told us you were here when we texted her and said we wanted to meet your daughters," Amanda said.

"oh. Well ashleys here and alexas. Somewhere."

"in the next waiting room over," Ashley supplied standing.

I looked at her; "yes that's right thank you."

She looked at Amanda; "ok now you I already know since I take strip. Er. Dancing w/ you downtown."

"yes that's right," Amanda said.

"dancing?" I whispered leaning towards jesse.

"pole dancing," he answered.

"oh."

Ashley looked at bobby; "but you I don't know."

"im bobby a friend of your moms."

"oh nice to meet you. Im Ashley her daughter. Well. One of them."

He smiled; "I figured."

"now our sons not here, but maybe you can meet him tomorrow. That is. If you want to come for breakfast," jesse said.

Amanda smiled; "that's fine."

"ok."

"and the others are around here. Somewhere, as is pam," I said.

"ok well I want to meet alexa. Oh and the others of course," Amanda said.

"as do I," bobby put in.


	25. Evan: Tuesday: ballet, ashley, 3 am

**3 a.m.**

**Monday**

It was the next morning, Monday, 3 a.m. I'd gotten up early to drive Ashley to ballet. Other than the living room, where I was, the house was dark. School was closed but After ballet I'd drive Ashley back to our place. Then when it was time for ballet again I'd drive her there. Outside was dark and the house was quiet. Louisa's friends Pansy and Lauren had slept over.

Ashley came quietly down the stairs and into the living room with her ballet bag.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," I said, standing; "ready to go?"

"Mmmhmm."

She nodded.

We left closing and locking the white wooden front door behind us and went into the cold dark morning.

"Brrr," I said.

She came closer to me as we walked down the 2 cement steps and to my waiting black jeep.

"Who the hell came up with the concept of 'brrr'?"

We laughed.

I unlocked and opened the passenger door, letting her in then went to the driver's side and climbed in. We closed and locked the doors and clicked on our seatbelts. I stuck the key in the ignition, the heat and Bob Marley filled the air as I started to drive.

"I mean it's not a real word," I pointed out.

"I know. Spanish people don't even know what it means!"

"Have you had breakfast yet?"

"No."

"Would you like some? We have time."

"Ok."

We drove to a Village Inn.


	26. Jesse: Tuesday

**Monday Morning**

**Jesse**

Wed gotten back from the hospital at 5 that morning. Karen and id woken up at 6 after sleeping for only an hour. Our 17 year old daughter Ashley hadn't gotten any sleep since Saturday night unlike the rest of us. She hadn't gotten any sleep bc she had ballet from 4 - 6 and needed to be up by 3 this morning. Evan our son had driven her to ballet. She was now back at the house. It was now 8 a.m.

**8 a.m.**

It was 8 a.m. that morning. Ashley and I were in the cold kitchen making breakfast.

"Breakfast!" she yelled up the wide white carpeted curving stairs.

"Not hungry," came my 14 year old daughter Amanda's reply from upstairs.

"Amanda," Karen, the woman I lived with but wasn't involved with, said, coming into the kitchen her black heels clicking on the tile floor, "I want you to eat breakfast."

Karen was in a red wine colored suit.

"You can't make me eat, Mom."

Amanda was defiant.

"Oh, really? I'm a psychologist and your mother which means that yes, I can," Karen called up the stairs.

Karen was disbelieving.

As a psychologist she wanted to find out why her patients did what they did. But as a mother it went deeper than that.

"No, you can't."

This argument came up often in our house. Everyone wanted Amanda to eat more.

"So I can't put you in-"

"Karen," I said, putting a hand on her lower arm, "let me handle this."

She sighed; "ok."

She smelled good like perfume.

I was calmer than Karen which meant I'd be better able to handle Amanda. And reach her. Get through to her. We hoped.

Ashley followed me up the stairs. She reached the twins' room before I did. The twins being Amanda and Louisa. The tall brown wooden door was closed.

"Amanda, you need to eat," she said through the door to Amanda.

"You can't make me."

"You're right; I can't. But Karen can."

"That doesn't mean she will."

Ashley turned to the stairs.

"I gotta get breakfast ready," she told me and went downstairs.

I approached Amanda's door and knocked on it.

"Go away," she answered.

"Amanda, it's Dad," I said.

"Oh. Well then it should be open."

I opened the door and stepped into her clean, organised bedroom. Amanda's friend Pansy was sitting on Louisa's bed. Amanda was sitting on her own.

Pansy had long dark hair and dark eyes. Lauren had red hair and gray green eyes.

Louisa was in a white t shirt. I couldn't tell what color her pants were bc she had her covers over them.

"Hi Pansy," I greeted her.

"Hi," she said quietly.

"Amanda," I said quietly, approaching her bed.

She shrank back.

"Honey. Why don't you tell me what this is really about?"

"Why? So you can tell Mom and have her ignore me again? The whole world falls apart because of Kate. Not because of me Dad," she told me annoyed.

She got up and left the bedroom. As she went past me I noticed she also smelled good. When she stood I saw that her pants were black.

"Pansy, breakfast?" I asked her.

"No thank you," she replied politely.

Kate was my 13 year old daughter who had leukemia. She'd been diagnosed at age 2.

I headed downstairs and back into the kitchen where my other daughters 16 year Hannah, Lily, Rose and 14 year old Marie were. Hannah had dark hair and dark green eyes. Hannah was in a black long sleeve v neck wrap dress Lily in a white one Rose in a blue one.

"Is anyone else not going to eat?" Ashley asked darkly.

Her sisters were slightly afraid of her.

"No," Marie said quietly.

"Ok then."

Karen, who was sitting at the round wood kitchen table, turned her head and looked at me.

"How'd it go?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"Not very well. She told me-"

Karen glanced up at the round kitchen clock.

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to be late for work. Can we talk later?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Make sure the rest of the girls get breakfast. And check on Kate."

She stood up and gathered her small black leather purse.

"I don't have time for this," she muttered as she left the house.

"ok," I said after her.

I looked at Ashley.

"yeah?" she said.

"honey," I began, "are you sure you don't want to. Stay home today? You look really tired."

"no im good," she replied.

"ok. You know that's always an option."

"yeah I know."

I left it there.


	27. Amanda: Tuesday

**Amanda**

That morning we'd gotten back at 5. School started at 8 but that's when id had breakfast after sleeping for only 3 hrs. I was an hr late to school. We'd gotten back at 5 bc my sister kate needed platelets and a bone marrow transplant at 11 at night. Actually shed needed it a few hours before but my parents didn't come home from their high school reunion untill 11. And right away we'd rushed to the hospital. Actually I hadn't eaten breakfast.

After the others left for school/work I did. Kate was the only one who didn't go to either.

At school I met my friends Keisha, Joan, Janis and Stephanie rose in front of my locker.

"Omygod you guys," I said.

"What?" Keisha asked.

"You will not believe what happened at breakfast this morning."

"Yeah I have a story about breakfast too," Janis said.

"Yeah but I said it first."

"Okkk…."

"What a stupid lame short argument. That wasn't an even an argument," Joan said.

Janis turned to her; "shut up I wanna hear what she's gonna say."

"So what happened?" Stephanie asked.

"Mom told me I had to eat and then on her way to work she told dad she didn't have time for this."

"So. First she acts like she cares and then she leaves showing you she. doesn't," Joan said.

"Wow," Janis said.

"Yeah."

"Well you are getting thin," Stephanie told me.

I turned to her; "oh and you're not?"

I was a bit put out by all that had gone on this morning and by not having gotten much sleep. And by not eating. Also by being hungover. My friends pansy and lauren had come over when evan and I were drinking and stayed the night. And wed all gone to school together.

"Ok I just tried to help its. A little scary."

"Our moms always make sure we eat breakfast," Joan said.

"You're not helping," Janis told her.

I turned to them; "yeah and that's great for you. But it doesn't help me at all."

"Are you….do you want something to eat?" Keisha asked.

"Yes. No. maybe. I don't know."

"Ok well, there's a granola bar in my purse if. You want it."

"Thanks."

"Sure. You know me always prepared."

"So what's your news?" I asked Janis.

"Our moms wont let us date," she told me.

"But they dated! Back in high school!"

"Yeah I know its really stupid."

"And got married," Joan said proudly.

* * *

After that Keisha and Stephanie pulled me aside.

"what?" I asked.

"honey, we're worried about you," Stephanie told me.

"yeah youre um. you've been getting thin. Well you were always thin but thinner," Keisha said.

"are you. Is everything ok?"

"you guys seem scared of me," I told them.

"its not that we're scared of you, exactly. We're scared to hurt you. You just look so damn breakable."

"well. Im not."

Off to the side I saw pansy watching.

"Amanda were not going to drop you suddenly to go help someone else like your parents have," Stephanie said.

This struck me. And. Made me so comfortable I wanted to leave run.

"well thanks but, you don't have to do that."

"we're not doing it bc we have to."

"do you want to have lunch w/ us?" Stephanie asked.

"no. that's the last thing I want right now is food," I said.

"and thats where youre wrong," Keisha said.

"you cant make me eat," I said and left.


	28. Ashley: Tuesday: 1st: Cut

This chapter was inspired by Emily-Jade's story 'Teenage Whore'. thanks for the inspiration! :)

* * *

**Ashley**

Last night around 8 my younger sister kate had gotten sick but wed had to wait untill 11 for her to go to the hospital. We had to wait for our parents to get back from their high school reunion. Everyone but marie had come. I didn't know where she was but when id texted her and asked shed said she was downtown visiting a friend. Anna had had to give kate blood and bone marrow. Wed gotten at the hospital near midnight. Id the bone marrow transplant had taken 6 hrs but id left early bc I had ballet from 4 - 6 this morning. Id had breakfast at 8. I had cheerleading after school from 3 - 4 and then ballet from 5 - 7. And then work from 7 - 10 and then my job at a strip club downtown from 11 - 1.

Once I left the house I went to the bathroom of a nearby star bucks. I went into a stall closed and locked the door. I took my razor blade out of the small black film canister in my purse. I put my purse on the floor and the film canister on the toilet paper holder. The bathroom was cold and quiet.

I cut.

After I cut I put the razor blade back in my film canister which I put back in my purse. I got my purse and walked into the café.

There were a few people ahead of me in line.

"these are new?" a guy to my right asked.

I looked up and saw a tall tan guy standing to my right. He had long curly dark hair.

I crossed my arms putting my hands over my cuts.

"I. um…" I began.

"its ok. My sister does it too," he leaned closer to me, "cuts."

"oh."

His breath was warm. He smelled like smoke and leather and cologne.

"im carlos btw. You come here often?" he asked.

"oh. Ashley. Nice to meet you. Youre from south america?" I asked seeing a map of the country when he leaned in.

"yeah you too. And yeah howd you know?"

"lucky guess?"

"and yeah," I answered his previous question, "when im not in school or working or at cheerleading or ballet. Or. Waiting for my sister to get sick."

He stepped back eyed me up and down.

"cheerleading?" he repeated.

"yeah," I said.

"idinno you, don't really seem like a cheerleader. I mean youre not. Uh. Perky."

I laughed; "yeah well. Looks can be deceiving."

The line moved forward.

My phone buzzed w/ a text.

"ex, cuse me," I said.

"sure go ahead," carlos said.

I turned flipped my phone open. Id gotten the text from an unknown number. It read; I know your secret.

I flipped the phone closed and turned back to carlos.

"hey did you just text me?" I asked.

"no I don't even have your number," he replied.

"oh. Ok."

"why?"

"I. wrong number I guess."

Which seemed weird getting a text rather than a call from a wrong number.

* * *

A few minutes later I got another text;

It was not, a wrong number. It was a right number. Bc everything happens for a reason. Right? Like you believe. xoxo

Whoever had sent me that text knew I was the kindof person who believed everything happens for a reason. They seemed annoyed and then fake happy.

* * *

After I left the café at 10 I went to the park to set up for the concert.

* * *

I got to school late when the day was half over. I was at my locker before lunch.

"Ashley!" Melissa one of the cheerleaders called.

I didn't know her well other than she was a gossip.

"What?" I asked annoyed by her presence.

"Haven't you heard?"

"Heard what I don't have a lot of time."

"Your sister went all the way w/ jimi."

"Janis', jimi? And which sister?"

Janis was a sister of Melissa. They were both daughters of Kerry and Haley girls my mom Karen had known when she was in high school.

"Hannah which sister do you think? It's Marie."

"Melissa. Go away. I have to get to lunch."

She sighed; "ok."

She left.

Why didn't Marie tell me? That is if this was true. And jimi while I didn't know him well didn't seem the type to have sex w/ just anyone. He was a nice guy not that kindof person. I knew he did drugs but that didn't mean he'd do. this.

I closed my locker and walked down the hall trying to find Marie. Who wasn't at her locker.

On the way passed jimi.

"Hey you," I began.

He turned from talking w/ Janis and Joan to me; "yeah?"

"You seen Marie?"

"Bathroom."

"Thanks."

I continued down the hall and into the women's restroom. Where Marie was standing by the window smoking.

"Yeah what do you want?" she asked annoyed.

"Is it true?" I asked.

"Is what true?"

"That you slept w/ jimi."

"What business is it of yours?"

"I just. I just care. Ya know?"

"Well there are other ways to do it besides flatout accusing me."

"I didn't accuse I asked. I just want to make sure you don't catch anything."

"Yeah. You weren't there in Paris Ashley."

"You caught shit in Paris? Why the hell doesn't dad know?"

"Why do you think," Marie said.

Oh. that's right. Bc he was busy w/ Kate.

"And not only did I - I caught it from my mom. That is she passed it - look don't tell anyone ok!" Marie cried looking scared.

"I won't," I promised; "but why didn't you get it checked out?"

"We meant to but we just. didn't know that much about it."

"Oh. You need to see someone about it."

"Yeah I meant to when I moved in but I just. Never got around to it."

"Oh."

"And I don't have to tell you."

"jimi doesn't seem like that type of person," I said.

"He's not! We talked about it and we did stuff but we didn't do that. He knows that I have. Stuff. His friend Janis knows. Her moms know. Only bc Haley and Kerry have been very upfront and honest w/ them about safe sex. But don't worry they wont tell anyone," Marie finished in an annoyed low voice.

"Oh. Ok. Haley and Kerry?" I asked.

"Janis' moms. They grew up w/ Mom. Er I mean Karen."

"Right got that."

"So what I'm not allowed to associate myself w/ a druggie? Oh bc it'll ruin my reputation," Marie said.

"Well I thought you were trying to better yourself but maybe I was wrong. I thought that's why you left Paris."

"Yeah maybe you were."

"Marie. I want you to feel like you can tell me this stuff."

"You know how you overreact."

"Only bc I care and I'm the next oldest woman. Which means, that if something happens to Karen I have to step up."

"You can be a little intimidating. Honestly," Marie told me.

"And it's not like you tell me everything either," she pointed out.

"You're 14. I'm 17," I said.

"I've been working as a prostitute foe years and you're telling me I cant handle shit?"


	29. Puck: Tuesday: Concert

So even though the glee club and Ashley's family haven't met I put this chapter in here as it's necessary for the storyline, for 2 reasons. 1, the more people that come to the concert the more that'll buy the CDs to raise money to help with Kate's hospital bills. And 2, by going to the concert the glee club can see how good a singer/dancer Ashley is.

* * *

**Puck**

I was sitting in a wood chair in Spanish with the rest of the glee club that morning listening to our teacher Mr. Schue drone on. Outside it was sunny and warm. I knew this from looking out the window.

"Puck," Mr. Schue said from the front of the room getting my attention.

He had light brown hair and green eyes. He was tall and thin.

"Um…..que?" I asked a bit out of it thinking I'd get credit for at least asking in Spanish.

"I just asked you the answer to the math problem written on the board. 'que' is not the answer nor is it a number."

"Oh," I said slightly embarrassed.

The class laughed.

"Alrite well it seems everyone could use a break."

"You're letting us out of class early?" Tina a member of the club asked excitedly.

"Well, no. not….not exactly."

"Oh."

"I'm letting you out of the class. But that's only so we can go to the park."

"For more class?"

"No, actually. You'll find out on the way. Cmon let's go."

We stood, chatting.

"Dude I would've done the same thing," Cory another member of the club and a football player told me trying to help.

He meant that if he hadn't paying attention he would've had a similar response.

"Thanks," I told him.

I noticed he smelled good. Like cologne. He was about my height. He had dark brown hair. He was built as they say. Like a football player. Prolly bc he was one. I was built too but not as much as him.

"I hope we're not out too long it could cut into our rehearsal time if we're out too long," Rachel a 3rd member of the club said already annoyed.

She had dark brown hair and brown eyes. She was smaller than the others.

She was known to put the club and her ambitions of being a star ahead of everything.

"Rachel would you relax? We have hours," Mike a 4th member said.

He had dark hair and eyes. He also smelled good. He was tall and thin.

"Yeah and everyone _could_ use a break," Santanna a 5th member and cheerleader said.

She had dark hair and eyes.

"Yeah," Brittany a 6th member and another cheerleader echoed.

She had blonde hair and blue gray eyes.

Santanna and Brittany were all shorter than Cory, Mike and I. They smelled like perfume. Cory, Mike and I were 5'8. Santanna and Brittany were 5'4. Rachel was 5'2. Rachel was thinner than the others.

-XXX-

We walked out of the class, down the hall, down the stairs and out the big tall red brick front doors of the big tall red brick school. From there across the wide green front lawn and black street to the big green park.

"So what exactly is going on?" Dianna a 7th member and the 3rd cheerleader asked.

She also smelled like perfume and was the same height and body type as Santanna and Brittany. She had light brown hair and hazel eyes.

"We're going to a concert," Mr. Schue informed us.

"But, we don't have tickets," Brittany said confused.

She was easily confused.

"I'm pretty sure it's free."

"Oh."

"Yeah I heard about it from a friend of mine."

We walked further into the park. We heard a crowd chatting and headed that direction. There was a big crowd sitting in front of a big black stage.

"Wow look at all these people half the school must be out here!" Amber a 8th member said surprised.

She had dark hair and eyes. She was built, a lot more than the others. She was 5'4.

"Yeah I know," Chris a 9th member said.

"So everyone have a seat," Mr. Schue told us.

We sat on the green grass behind the crowd.

Chris was taller than Santanna, Brittany, Dianna and Amber but shorter than Cory, Mike and myself. He also smelled like cologne. He had dark brown hair and blue eyes. He was small. He was 5'6.

I looked at a gorgeous blonde in pink and black. Her hair was medium length. She was thin but not too thin. Built as they say. She looked to be about 5'4. She stepped onto the stage. She had a good stage presence.

She introduced herself and said one of her sisters had cancer which is why they were having the concert.

"Wow," I said taken aback by how pretty she was.

"Yeah I know. She's cute," Cory, who was next to me, said, following my gaze.

"And beautiful."

"I wonder if she goes to our school."

"Well if she does I haven't seen her.

"Though it's a big school, so."

"Yeah…yeah."

"Mr. Schue we should do that!" Chris cried.

Mr. Schue looked at him; "what Chris?"

"Have a concert to raise money for her sister."

"Sure why not?"

"And our upcoming glee club trip!" Rachel cried.

"Ok."

"I just hope she's not our competition."

"And girl even if she is, we can beat her. We're what, 8 to 1?" Amber told her.

"Yeah. You're right."

The blonde onstage opened her mouth and started to sing. She was really good had the vocal range of Rachel.

"She is really good," Dianna said.

"I know," Brittany said.

"If she does go to our school think I'll ask her to join the club," Mr. Schue said.

Even Rachel was impressed sitting there for once not talking with her mouth shut. She was known to talk a lot.

"She's as good as I am," she whispered in awe.

"Yeah," Cory said.

"I want a CD," Dianna said.

"Me too," amber said.

"As do I," Rachel said.

"I think we all do," Santanna said.

"Alrite I'll buy," Mr. Schue said.

"Thanks!" Chris said.

"Hey it's the least I can do. And why not help out someone else?"

"Yeah. Yeah…..exactly."

A few minutes later the girl and a few others stood and began dancing.

"Wow," Dianna said in awe.

They were as good dancers as they were singers.

"And I'll, ask them to join the cheerios," Brittany said.


	30. Evan: Tuesday: Concert

**Evan**

Last night around 8 my younger sister kate had gotten sick but wed had to wait untill 11 for her to go to the hospital. Wwe had to wait for our parents to get back from their high school reunion. Everyone but marie had come. I didn't know where she was but when id texted her and asked shed said she was downtown visiting a friend. Anna had had to give kate blood and bone marrow. Wed gotten at the hospital near midnight. the bone marrow transplant had taken 6 hrs.

After breakfast this morning my 14 year old younger sister Amanda and I went to my place where she fell asleep.

* * *

It was later that day. I was still on my cement balcony. Amanda was asleep in my small bedroom. In about an hour the concert would start.

"Mandy!" I called.

"Huh?" she called back, half asleep.

"Ya gotta wake up. The concert's in an hour."

I went to the white fridge and got a clear bottle of water for myself and purple one of VitaminWater for her.

After a few minutes she walked into the living room, fluffing her long blonde hair. She was in a long sleeve dark purple sweater black pants and black sandals.

"Hey," she said.

"Hi how'd you sleep?" I asked.

"Ok. Ya ready?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Mmhmm."

We walked out of my place, down the hall, the stairs, outside and into my waiting big black jeep. I climbed into the driver's side and Mandy climbed into the passenger's. I stuck my small metal key in the igntion and drove off. My car smelled like smoke from all the smoking I did. She smelled like perfume.

When we got to the park where the concert was being held it was littered with our family and other people, including some of our friends from school. I parked in the big black parking lot and turned off the car. Amanda and I got out. People were standing on the wide big green lawn, talking and waiting for the show to begin. I spotted our parents with our other sisters 10 year old Anna and 13 year old Kate. Our 16 year old sister Alexa and her 20 year old boyfriend Tom were already sitting on the lawn. her dark head on his chest. She was in a gray t shirt and jeans and a dark vest.

We walked towards the lawn and found a place to sit down. I handed Amanda the bottle of vitaminwater, which she put on the grass to her right. Several yards in front of us was a large black stage. The show would start in 45 minutes.

Our 17 year old sister Ashley appeared onstage and stepped up to a tall black microphone.

"Hey yall," she said.

The chatter died down and we looked at her.

"We do have cds on sale for $20. The proceeds go to help my sister Kate. Kate, why don't you come on up?"

"Oh, here we go," Mandy said next to me, sighing; "everything's about Kate."

Kate made her way through the crowd and stepped onto the stage, bald for all the world to see. She was in a light t shirt and jeans.

"This is my sister Kate," Ashley introduced.

"Hi," Kate said quietly.

Ashley leaned down a bit to Kate and said something. Kate turned and walked off the stage, joining Anna and our parents.

I wondered what shed said to kate.

"What if I was the sick one? Would they want the proceeds to benefit me?" Amanda asked.

"Mandy you are the sick one," I told her.

"No, not the sick one. And I meant...in the hospital."

My muscles tensed and I started to stand up.

"Hey I gotta go light up. I'll be back," I told Amanda, standing.

"Ok."

I took off and found a quiet spot in the park where I could smoke. I knew somewhere behind the stage Ashley and the others were changing into their ballet outfits and stretching. Amanda was crying silently, wishing her tears could be seen and real. But they had been seen. By me. They were real. To me.

I knew Mom was waiting for Kate to get sick again, like a ticking time bomb. No one wanted Kate to be sick. It made Mom anxious, waiting like this.

I smoked and walked, deciding along the way I wanted to set fire to something. I arrived at an abandoned wooden shack. I came closer to it and poured lighter fluid in a circle around the shack. I then lit a match with my zippo, then ran like hell back to the park. A circle for protection. One of my sisters favorite movies when they were was a little princess. In it the little girl tells a story about a magic circle protecting someone in the jungle.

-XXX-

"Hey," I said, when I reached Amanda.

I was out of breath. She picked up my bottle of water and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I said, unscrewing the cap.

"Come, sit," she said.

I sat down on the grass next to her.

"What did you do?" she whispered.

I took a drink of water, letting my heart settle.

"You know that abandoned shack?" I asked, once I'd caught my breath.

She nodded, her fluffy hair bouncing; "yeah. Ohhhhhh."

"Mmhmm."

She got that I'd set fire to the shack.

In front of us our 14 year old sister Marie stepped onto the stage. There was a black bar stool set up on the stage. It was behind the microphone.

She was in a short short sleeve black dress the skirt of which stood out from the dress itself.

"Hello," she said in her light charming French accent.

The audience looked at her, waiting.

"I'm going to start with a song from my native France."

There was silence and she opened her mouth, launching into a slow romantic version of 'la vie en rose'.

"Wow," Amanda said quietly; "she's really good. I want to go to Paris!" she said, smiling.

I laughed and she joined me.

"It's so great to hear you laugh Mandy," I said.

She just smiled.

Ashley joined Marie onstage and they started a Billie Holiday number.

"Oooh I love this," Mandy said, drawing circles in thegrass.

They sang several other jazz numbers.

"Alexa, where are ya?" Ashley called.

Somewhere from the crowd Alexa made her way onto the stage. Marie sat down on the side of it.

"This is for our sister Amanda," Alexa said into the microphone.

"Omygod," Amanda whispered.

"We luv ya girl!" Ashley shouted.

They sang a strong, powerful version of Queen's 'somebody to love' and Janis Joplin's 'piece of my heart'.

I looked at Amanda, who had tears streaming down her face.

"Omygod that was...wow," she said.

She opened her small black leather purse and took out a small packet of tissues, then closed it.

"Mandy let's do it!" I said.

"Do what?" she asked in between sniffles.

"Leonard Cohen."

"But...here? Now?" she asked.

"Yeah I'm sure Ashley won't mind. We could ask Tom to play guitar."

"Ok."

Tom was a guitarist and had been for years.

"Intermission everyone," Ashley said into the microphone.

Amanda stood up leaving, her purse on the ground but bringing her tissues with her.

We wandered through the crowd untill we found Ashley, Tom and Alexa talking. They all smelled good.

"Omygod," Amanda said.

"Hey honey," Ashley said.

"Wow that was...wow. Thank you. I just. Thank you," Amanda said.

"Oh of course. Took a lot of you huh?"

Mandy just nodded.

"You 2 have some incredible voices," I told my sisters.

"Well thank you."

"Marie, I loved your rendition of 'la vie en rose'," Amanda said.

"Thank you," Marie said quietly.

She said everything quietly. That's just how she was.

"Anyway we were wondering," I said.

"Yeah?" Tom said, looking at me.

His arm was wrapped around Alexa's waist.

"If you wouldn't mind, we'll be singing Leonard Cohen next. And Tom."

I was wondering if hed play guitar.

"I'll play guitar," he said.

"Ok."

amanda and I walked back to our seat on the grass.

"Omygod I'm so nervous," she gushed.

"Whoa. Calm down. Have some water," I told her.

"Oh right I do have water."

She picked up her vitaminwater from the ground and twisted the cap off.

"You ok? Cuz you're not usually this...um. Happy," I told her, peering at her.

"You're right I'm not. Thanks for bringing me back down to earth Evan."

"No problem."

She took a drink of water.

"How can you possibly be so calm?"

"Dude. I have to be."

"You're a lot like Dad in that way," she mused.

"And you're a lot like Mom. You even look like her."

Which she did. They both had long blonde hair and blue eyes. While I looked more like our dad, who had brown eyes that changed to silver and light brown hair.

Amanda and I sipped our waters.

A few minutes later Ashley stepped onto the stage dressed in her ballet outfit. Tom was already onstage tuning his guitar.

"Hey everyone. It seems we have 2 surprise guests. Cmon up," Ashley said.

Amanda and I made our way through the crowd and up onto the stage where there were 2 black bar stools.

"The stage is all yours," Ashley told us as she stepped off.

'Thank you', amanda mouthed.

I leaned into the microphone.

"Hi, I'm Evan, this is my sister Ma-" I began.

"Amanda," she whispered.

I turned to her.

"What?" I asked.

In front of us the crowd was muttering.

"Mandy to you. Amanda to everyone else," she reminded me.

"Oh."

I turned back to the microphone.

"As I was saying, I'm Evan, this is my sister Amanda and back here," amanda and I turned and gestured with our arms to Tom, who was sitting at the back of the stage, "is our friend Tom."

Tom looked up briefly.

"We'll be singing a Leonard Cohen tune."

Tom started playing and Mandy and I leaned into the microphones, shoulder to shoulder. She was bony and smelled like flowers. She sang with as much emotion as she'd been hiding, as we'd both been hiding. I joined her. The crowd went quiet. I saw Mom and Kate crying.

When we were done there was silence.

"Omygod," Tom whispered behind us.

Then the crowd stood up, clapping and cheering.

"Encore encore," they shouted.

Amanda turned to me; "should I?"

"Yeah they love you. I'll go sit down."

"Thank you," I said into the microphone, standing.

Tom followed me off the stage.

We found a seat on the grass.

"Wow that was incredible," Tom told me.

"Thanks."

"Um hi," Amanda said onstage.

I smiled at her for encouragement.

'You can do this' I mouthed.

She opened her mouth.

'Love me like a river does, cross the sea. love me like a river does, endlessly' she began.

As she sang she eased into the song.

After she was done she sang a song entitled 'worrisome heart' then 'defying gravity' from the show Wicked.

'love me like a river does' and 'worrisome heart' are both melody gardot songs. Melody gardot's a jazz singer.

"She ever think of making a cd?" Tom asked me.

"No."

"She's really good."

"I'll tell her you said so."

Amanda leaned into the microphone.

"This next one is for my sister Kate, who you were introduced to earlier. She has cancer."

Amanda launched into a very emotional version of Sarah McLachlans 'angel'.

Amongst the crowd of people I saw Mom crying in Dad's arms. Kate was crying in Mom's.

Amanda left the stage and Ashley stepped onstage.

"Alrite well, I'm gonna go join Alexa," Tom said, standing.

"Alrite seeya."

He walked off. Amanda joined me.

"Hey," I said, as she plopped down on the grass.

"Hi."

"Well. What an incredible performance. Give it up for Amanda," Ashley said.

The crowd clapped again.

She moved the microphones. Marie and our 16 year old sisters Rose and Lily got on the stage. They gracefully swept into a silent ballet dance. Beside me Amanda was rocking from side in tune with their silent dance. After a few minutes she got up and made her way to the front of the stage. She started dancing beautifully to their dance.

There was my sister, lithe and thin and small and bony, dancing gracefully. Her figure twisted and turned she made leaps and bounds across time and space. Whatever pain she'd ever felt she danced. She not only danced for herself but also for myself and Kate.

She was. Absoutely beautiful.

Rose was pale w/ red hair and green eyes. Lily was pale w/ dark hair and blue eyes.

The girls danced a few more dances. After a few minutes a murmer rippled through the crowd. Something fell in my stomach and my muscles tensed. Something was wrong. No, 2 somethings.

I whipped my head to my right and saw my mom and dad leaning over Kate, mouthing words to her. She wasn't moving other than breathing.

Some of the crowd got up and went over to them. My sisters, other than Amanda, must've stopped dancing because I saw them over there.

I got up and made my way to Amanda, bringing her purse and our 2 bottles of water with me.

She was leaning against the stage. She had paled significantly and was shivering. Her eyes were large.

"Omygod," she said, "I can't breathe."

I looked her right in the center of her blue eyes.

"Amanda," I said seriously, "Lie down. Close your eyes. I'll help you. Trust me."

I got behind her and helped her lie down on the grass.

"I'll be right back ok?" I asked her.

She nodded slightly.

I walked off in the direction of the parking lot.

My phone rang.

"Yeah?" I said, flipping it open.

"Evan?" Tom asked.

"Yeah?"

"We're going to the hospital."

"Ok."

"Amanda ok?"

"Yeah, she will be."

"Ok."

I flipped my phone closed and got to the parking lot where I opened my jeep and got out a big green wool blanket and pillow that I had for just such occasions.

I closed my jeep and made me way back to the park where I placed the blanket over Amanda.

"Amanda," I said, "can you lift your head?"

She lifted her head a little and I slid the pillow under it. She brought her head back down.

I leaned against the stage, where I'd put her purse and our 2 water bottles. My knees were up, one hand resting on my thigh, the other smoking.

Of course Amanda was fine. She wasn't the sick one. No, not the sick one, as she'd pointed out earlier that day. She wasn't the one dying.


	31. Jesse: Concert

**Jesse**

It was a warm day. Karen, Pam, Kate, Anna and I were sitting on the grass to the left of the large black stage which was several yards in front of us. We were on the edges of the crowd. Onstage Amanda opened her mouth and sang the first few notes into Sarah McLachlan's 'angel'. She was small, thin and bony with the exception of her hair, which was blonde and fluffy. She looked a lot like Karen, whose hair was thin. In front of me, tears ran down my next-to-youngest daughter's face. Karen pulled Kate into her bare arms.

"Oh honey," she said.

She rubbed Kate's back. I looked at Karen and saw water sliding down her face. I couldn't tell if it was due to Amanda's singing or the fact that Kate was crying. Or both. I wrapped Karen into my arms.

"Shhh," I said into her smooth blonde hair, which smelled like Garnier

-XXX-

An hour later we were watching Ashley, Lily, Rose and Marie dance onstage. In front of me, I felt something. Or, didn't feel something, to be more accurate.

"Dad," Anna said.

Then; "Dad!"

"Omygod! Jesse!" Karen yelled, to get my attention.

I looked down and saw her leaning over Kate, who was lying motionless on the grass. Her wrists were bleeding.

"Platelets she needs platelets! We need to get to the hospital!"

I looked over at Anna, whose brown eyes were wide.

"Is she breathing?" I asked Anna.

She bent down and leaned her head onto Kate's chest.

"Anna?" Karen asked, panicked.

I looked at her.

"Karen, calm down," I told her.

"Calm down? How do you expect me to calm down when my own daughter is-?"

"Honey. It's going to be ok," Pam told her.

I looked back at Anna, who nodded; "yeah Dad."


	32. Ashley: After: Buy

This chapter was also inspired by Emily-Jade's 'Teenage Whore'.

* * *

**1 p.m.**

**Ashley**

I was cleaning up after the concert when a tall thin guy about in his 30's came up to me. He had curly light brown hair and green eyes. He was in a white t shirt black vest and dark pants.

"Hey," I said wondering what he wanted.

"Hi I'd like to buy some CDs for my kids," he told me.

"Your…your kids?"

"In my Spanish class."

"Oh ok. At the high school?"

"That's the one."

"How many?"

"10."

"Ok so that's…..$200," I calculated.

"Here."

He handed me a 2 hundreds which I put in my purse.

"Help yourself," I told him gesturing towards the basket the CDs were in.

He bent down and took 10.

"Thank you so much we really appreciate it," I told him.

"Sure. Anything to help a cause," he said.

He stood back up.

"You go to the high school by any chance?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Great. Well id love to have you in the glee club."

"I'll think about it."

"Sure. Thanks again."

"You're welcome."

He left.

* * *

I was on my cell that afternoon to my best friend lily who was back in new york. It was after school and before cheerleading.

"So. Theres some'in I don't know what to do about," I told her getting straight to the point.

"About Marie?" lily asked.

"How did you know?" I gasped.

"It's on the school website."

"Already? Omygod."

"Yes I know it is fast. So what do you think?"

"Well. I don't know jimi that well. He seems like a nice guy although he does drugs. Not that that makes him a bad person. Or, more likely to do something like this than someone who doesn't do drugs."

"No of course not."

"I haven't I mean I haven't asked him. Which. Would be a good thing to do just to get both sides of the story and. To know what happened."

I breathed.

"Right," Lily agreed; "I mean I don't know Marie I've never met her but I mean she's. Parisian. And a, um. Prostitute. So."

"Yeah but w/ him? I don't want to believe it I want to believe there are still good people in the world."

"I'm not asking what you want I'm not asking what you think. I think you already know the answer."

"Yeah I I do I'm just."

"Afraid?"

I nodded forgetting she couldn't see me nod; "yeah."

"Yeah love I know. And that doesn't make her a bad person! We just went over that."

"You're right. There's something else I need to tell you, in an email."

"Ok whenever you're ready. I'll be here. Just as I've been before."

"I know."

"But anyway I have to go Angela needs me," Lily said meaning my daughter.

"Ok. Thanks."

"Of course. Thanks for calling. Love you."

"I love you too."


	33. Chapter 125

**Marie**

After the concert I'd gone downtown.

* * *

When I got back that night kate called me.

"yeah?" I said going into her room.

I hadn't even had time to take my boots off.

"where were you?" she asked.

"when?" I countered back.

"the other night when I was in the hospital."

She was in the hospital? I had no idea.

"you were in the hospital?" I asked.

"yes."

"honey im sorry I was downtown."

"doing what?"

"I was pro- working."

"yeah while I was sick. You should've been there everyone else was. I thought we were family and familys there for each other."


	34. Chapter 688

**Puck**

It was finally the end of the day. I had gotten in my jeep and was driving to the store before I headed home. 'home' being my small trailer I shared w/ my mom. It wasn't really a home. It wasn't safe. Although she worked 3 jobs just to pay the bills she sometimes was home. And that was the worst. There was no telling what she'd do.

I'd popped the CD Mr. Schue had bought for me into the CD player and was listening to it. The music filled the big cars silence. The person who was singing was the same girl wed seen earlier that day at the concert. I could already tell she was talented. Some of the songs I knew and some I didn't. I listened mostly to rock but her voice made me want to listen to everything. She did a great cover of 'stairway to heaven'. and her cover of 'house of the rising sun' was sensual and angry. when Leonard Cohen's 'hallelujah' came up I had to stop the car. I loved this song. And I think most people would agree.

* * *

-XXX-

I was in the trailer later that night making pasta for dinner and listening to the CD when Cory called.

"Yeah?" I asked answering my phone.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey. I'm in the middle of making dinner right now."

I wondered what he wanted.

"Oh. Well I'm eating dinner."

"Oh."

I put the phone between my ear and shoulder and went over to the big metal pot of pasta and stirred it w/ the pasta fork.

"I've been listening to the CD."

Oh so that's what he wanted.

"Yeah me too. She is great," I said.

"Yeah. She is. Great voice and great body," Cory said.

"Yeah definitely. I wonder if she's made others."

"We can ask Mr. Schue tomorrow. And if she hasn't we can ask him to tell her we want some."

"Ok."

"Well I have to finish dinner," I said.

"Yeah me too."

"Bye."

"Bye."

We hung up and I went back to cooking.


	35. Chapter 36

Evan

After the concert Amanda and I'd gone back to our parents'.


	36. Chris

**Chris**

I was sitting in my big living room eating dinner that night and listening to the CD Mr. Schue had bought us all earlier that day when amber called.

"Yes?" I said answering my phone.

"Hey," she said.

"Hi."

"I've been listening to the CDs."

"Yeah me too. She is so good. I love 'hallelujah' ".

"Oh well I think everyone loves that song," a

Amber said.

We laughed.

"Her cover of 'don't rain on my parade' is even better than Rachel's," I said.

"Lets hope Rachel doesn't hear you say that."

"Yeah I know."

"I wonder if she's made more."

"idinno but we can ask Mr. Schue tomorrow."

"Yeah and if not if she hasn't we can tell him we want more."

"Yeah."

"Well that's really all I had to say," Amber told me.

"Ok bye."

"Bye."'

We hung up and I resumed my eating.


	37. Chapter 722

**7 p.m.**

* * *

**Jesse**

After Karen got home from work we had dinner. This was at 5. Ashley was still at ballet at the time. She'd be home at 8. After dinner Evan had gone back to his place. Amanda had told us she was going over there and left. Marie was downtown and Kate was in the hospital. Alexa was at Tom's Rose was at the mall and Louisa, Anna, Hannah and Lily were home. They were upstairs.

It was now 7. Karen and I were sitting in the living room. After dinner she'd changed into something more comfortable.

"Hey sorry about this morning," she told me, "I was in a rush to get to work."

"Yeah I know. I think we all know," I said.

"So did you talk to Louisa?"

"Yeah. Well I mean I tried. And it didn't go well."

"I take it it didn't go well."

"No. We didn't get very far. She didn't even talk to me just told me that if shed told me then I could've told you and have you ignore her. Then she told me the whole world falls apart bc of Kate not her."

Karen looked at me; "I haven't been ignoring her."

"Oh haven't you?" I countered.

"She doesn't seem very happy. And with Kate being sick so often I can't very well ignore her."

"No she's not. And. Well. You're right. But you can let someone else help. What if Amanda was sick? Or Louisa? Or even Ashley for that matter?"

"Amanda is sick."

"Yeah that's my point."

"And Ashley's never sick."

It was true. Ashley never got sick or if she did she played it off very well.

"That however isn't," I said.

"I don't need help," Karen said.

"Really?" I said disbelievingly, "well remember back when we were in high and you didn't need help? Remember what happened then?"

"Yeah I…turned into Marie. And you found me w/ bruises. In the…the…"

"That's right the alley. And thank god I did or else where would you be right now. Where would we be. Our children? Pam?"

"Jesse."

"What? You're not always going to like me Karen."

Karen stood; "maybe she'll let me talk to her."

"Yeah maybe," I muttered knowing it was fully possible Karen wouldn't get very far w/ Louisa.

"Although I know it's entirely possible I won't get very far."

She headed upstairs.


	38. Chapter 733

**Louisa**

After the concert I'd gone home.

* * *

I was in my and Mandy's room that night when a knock came on my door.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Louisa it's Mom," Mom said from outside my door.

Oh.

"Oh. Well I don't really feel like talking."

"Yes but I want to talk to you."

"Ok fine. Come in."

The handle turned and she came in closing the door behind her.

"Honey," she said approaching my bed and sitting on it, "I want to talk about what happened this morning."

"What when you left and ignored me again?"

"That's, actually what I wanted to talk about. Why I came up here."

Oh.

I waited.

"Your dad and I were just talking and. From his observations you don't seem very happy."

"Well I'm not. And from his observations?"

"Louisa you know I have work," she excused.

"Funny how you have enough time for work and Kate but not enough for Mandy, me or the others."

"Louisa."

"What? You know it's true we both do. We all, do. Even Dad."

Her eyes flicked to my arms.

"Why do you cut what is this about?" she asked leaning forward.

"You know that about a year ago Mandy stopped eating?"

She nodded; "yes."

And waited.

* * *

After id told mom everything - why I cut, the start of mandys eating disorder and what had happened to her - I made mom promise not to tell anyone. She told me she wouldn't. and then she left.


	39. Chapter 811

**9 p.m.**

**Evan**

It was later that night, raining. I was sitting on my balcony perched on the edge of the short cement wall, smoking and watching the storm. I blew white smoke rings into the sky. From somewhere very far away came the sound of hands pounding on my door. I didn't register the sound at first.

"Evan!" she shouted.

"Hang on," I yelled back.

I got to my feet and walked through the balcony doorway and into the small living room, where I opened the tall white metal door to find Amanda standing there on the carpet, wet. 'there' being the long thin narrow hallway outside my apt.

"Evan I have to talk to you," she said.

She was crying clearly upset.

"Ok what's going on?"

"I hate myself."

"Mandy I know you're upset but-"

"No," she said, looking at me her blue eyes wide, "you don't understand."

"Alrite come in. You want some tea?" I asked her.

"No I do not want some tea. I want you to sit down and fukin listen!" she shouted.

I collapsed onto my rectangular black leather couch after letting her in and then closing my door. She stood in front of me, pacing the length of the room.

"My body killed it Evan," she told me.

"Omygod," I whispered, horrified.

"When was 12 I got pregnant."

"Got?" I whispered my eyes wide; "as in?"

She was assaulted?

"Yes Evan. It wasn't my choice. And instead of carrying the baby to full term, somehow, my body fukin killed it."

"Oh. My god."

"That's why I don't eat. That's...that's why," she calmed down a bit, "I do this.".

She collapsed onto the couch next to me and lifted the bottom of her black silk blouse. On her stomach were hundreds of burns and cuts.

"Omygod. Mandy."

There were no words for this.

She collapsed into my arms and started to cry. I stroked her hair and back. Outside it was raining heavily. She smelled good like rain and perfume.

I was in shock. She was so. Beautiful. And sweet. And thin. Stylish, classy. I knew she didn't eat. We all did even if no one but Ashley and I took much notice. But I hadn't known she cut until now. hadn't connected everything untill. Now.

We sat there in silence.

After about an hour the power went out. Amanda sat up to stand to turn the lights back on.

"It's ok. I got candles."

I flicked my small metal zippo open and a flame came up. Amanda reached for it. I flicked it closed.

"No Amanda," I told her.

* * *

It was later that night. Mandy was now awake, wrapped in the green wool blanket, drinking a mug of warm tea. It was very quiet.

After I'd learned Mandy wanted to burn herself with my zippo I'd gone to the fuse box and flipped a switch that made the power come back on, taking the zippo with me. Lights brightly flooded my apartment. It'd stopped raining. The balcony door was closed and locked, the blinds drawn across it.

"Thanks again for the tea," she told me.

"Of course," I replied.

"And...thanks for listening when I was so...fuked up."

I leaned forward and locked eyes with her.

"Mandy. You're not fuked up. I'm the one who sets fires here remember?" I joked.

She smiled.

"You're confused. Upset. Hurt. Not crazy. Sure, yeah, maybe misunderstood but not crazy. Look at Einstein. He was misunderstood."

"Yeah but he was also brilliant."

"Exactly. That's. Exactly my point. How many times did it happen?"

"Once. Well, once that I could see it. Random men...kidnapped me, brought me to motels..."

"Oh."

She took a sip of tea and breathed.

"I can't..."

go into it.

"It's ok," I said softly.

I stood up.

"I'm gonna go downtown for a bit," I told her.

She looked up at me.

"At this hour?" she asked in surprise.

"Yeah. I'll take my jeep."

"Nothing's open Evan."

"Yeah I know. But I gotta walk around a bit. Clear my head.

"Ok."

"You gonna be ok here?"

She nodded, taking another sip of tea.

"Yeah. I think so."

"Ok well, call if you need. You can listen to my ipod...pop in a cd. Watch tv. Hey you can even watch _I Love Lucy_."

Both Anna and Kate liked that show.

Mandy smiled.

"Ok."

"I might be gone for a few hours."

"Ok."

I went around the apartment, making sure all the outside windows and doors were locked.

Then I left.


	40. Ashley: Work Strip Club: 2nd

Ashley

When I got to the strip club it was 11:10. I was supposed to have gotten there 40 minutes ago 10:30.

I went upstairs into the dressing room.

"Ashley youre about an hour late. Chloe renee and trixie are already out there. And gingeer. And we have a new girl santanna whos not here tonight since I let her take the night off," my boss Amanda told me.

"yeah I know Amanda. I was late to my other job too," I said annoyed as I reached under the table and pulled out the trunk my costume was stored in; "and I was late bc I had ballet from 5 - 7 and got to the place 30 minutes late but stayed an extra 40 and. Anyway im sorry."

"well in that casee you'll stay an extra 40. Untill 1:40."

"ok."


	41. Ashley: Wednesday: Ballet: 2nd

**Week 5**

**Sunday**

It was the next morning. I was in the locker room stretching. I'd already wrapped my toes, put on my tights, leoatard and toe shoes and put my long blonde hair in a bun. At school tomorrow I had a meeting with Miss Pillsbury. After glee rehearsal and ballet the girls and I were going dress shopping for the upcoming holiday dance then deciding on Halloween costumes at my place. I knew Alexa and Tom were going as Frida and Diego. It was Kate's year to take Anna out trick or treating but with them both being sick I didn't know if they'd be able to. Puck had asked me to the dance; Cory and Rachel were going together, as were Adam and Dianna and Brian and Mandy. So were Chris and Amber.

Since last spring this was my most recent pair of pointe shoes, which ran from $75 to $100 each. Those who were in the show had 3 pairs; 1 for shows, 1 for rehearsals and 1 for class. The next show we had was Nutcracker which as well as performing here we were also performing at the city at the same time the glee club would be there. In the spring we were doing A Midsummer Nights Dream. In the summer we didn't have any performances. Just classes.


	42. Tom: Wednesday

Tom

After the concert alexa and I'd gone to her parents'.

**Wednesday Morning**

It was very early the next morning. I'd drifted in and out of sleep. Beside me, my 16 year old girlfriend Alexa shifted. We were both on her bed in her bedroom. My eyes wandered down her pale body and into her cleavage, watching her chest rise and fall. I pulled her closer to me and kissed her on the forehead. She smelled really good, a mixture between sweet and musk. Because that's who she was, powerful, strong and sweet. With my right hand I ran my fingers through her dark curly hair. With my other I traced the lines of the scars on her arms.

For once, the entire house was quiet. Alexas 13 year old sister Kate was at the hospital. Everyone else was asleep. It'd been a long night for everyone.

Alexa flicked her big brown eyes open.

"Hey hun," I said.

"Mmm hi," she returned.

She stretched out on her bed.

"Were you staring at my cleavage?" she asked, giggling.

"No, not staring. More like...observing. But I didn't touch anything. And, I'm a guy."

I was saying that I hadn't touched her and because I was a guy I couldn't help staring.

"Mmm I know. I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too. I'm glad you're here too."

She sat up.

"I can't sleep," she told me.

I got up too, one of my arms holding my bald head up. The other was on my knee which was bent up in front of me. The leg other was bent.

"You're so hot," Alexa told me kissing me.

I smiled.

As it turned out, according to my girlfriend, being bald made me hotter.

"What's wrong?" I asked her.

"Idinno. I just. Can't sleep."

"Ok well. Wanna walk around?"

"Sure."

We got up off her bed and made our way out her room and down the narrow carpeted hall, our arms around each others' waists. I was about a head taller than her.

"Jeez when you gonna gain some weight? You won the battle," she reminded me.

She was referring to my battle with cancer.

"Yeah I guess I have a really high metabislm or something," I retuned.

She shrugged.

"Yeah but my mom didn't," I said.

"I know honey and I'm sorry," Alexa said, leaning her head against my chest.

Ever since Mom had died I'd had to take care of my younger sisters.

We wandered down the wide white curving carpeted stairs and into the big whiteliving room, where we collapsed onto the white couch, Alexa's head on my stomach.


	43. Puck: Next Day: Wednesday

**Tuesday**

**8 a.m.**

**Puck**

That morning at school we - Amber, Chris, Cory and I - went up to the choir room before class where Mr. Schue was. He looked up when we entered. We closed the door behind us.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey um," Amber began.

"What can I do for ya?"

"Well remember that girl who had that concert yesterday?" Chris asked.

"Yeah."

"We were wondering if shed made any more CDs besides those."

"I don't know that's been my only encounter w/ her."

"Oh. Well. Could you find her and ask?"

"Yeah um. I'll have to find a sub….but yeah."

"Ok."

We left.


	44. Ashley: Thursday: Ballet, 3rd

Ashley

Thursday

It was 5:20 a.m. on Thursday and ballet had just started. All of the girls in the class had on leotards, tights and pointe shoes w/ our hair up in buns. We started w/ our left arms on the barre w/ enough room in front and behind us to be able to stretch our legs either way.

When we went into demi plies - which wasn't a full to the floor plie - I noticed roses turnout needed work and made a note to talk to her about this after class. We did 2 demi plies then a grande plie [the full to the floor one] in each of the 5 positions. Your legs got tired after awhile.

After which we did tendues and degeges in each position lifting our right foot off the floor for the deggeges. That was the only difference.

After we did grande battements which was where we lifted our legs higher. This was of course done in all 5 positions.

After which we did ron de jombes which was where you you started w/ your foot forward and slid it around to the back. The tendus and degeges were the same in that we started w/ our feet in front then took them to the side and ended at the back.


	45. Ashley: Friday: Ballet

Ashley

Friday

It was 6 a.m. Friday and I was at ballet again. We'd done our barre work and had done all of that in the center. Now we were doing arabesques after wed go into attitude and develope. Arabesques were when you stood on 1 leg and lifted the back leg up while leaning forward and down. We did a few of those. Attitude was when you stood on pointe on 1 leg while lifting your back leg up and bending it. You bent it behind you. We also did a few of these. Develope was when you lifted 1 leg up against the other untill it was behind you and above your head.

It was harder to do things in center then it was at the barre.


	46. Ashley: Saturday: At My Place

Ashley

It was Saturday morning and tom, lucy, Janis, joan, ruby, ariel, Rachel, tina and my sisters and I were all at my house. It was between 11 a.m. and lunchtime. Other than tom none of them had been to my house before. Evan and tom had picked them up since they could each have 4 people in their cars. Lucy went w/ rose when we got to my place and tom went w/ alexa.

I knew ruby and ariel from working at the strip club and also from school. I knew Janis and joan from school. Janis and joan were also amandas friends. Ruby and ariels sisters were amandas friends as well. Amanda, Louisa, marie and anna were out somewhere. Wed just come in. they all were looking around.

"you know you can sit down," I told them.

"oh. Well ok. Thank you," tina said politely going over to the sunken living room and sitting in one of the big white sofas.

Rachel followed w/ ariel and ruby following them.

"hey nice house," Janis said.

"thank you," I said.

"it's big. im going to get something to drink," joan said.

"that it is. Ok kitchens right through there."

She left.

"so how do you know Ashley?" tina asked ariel.

I noticed that Rachel was looking at ariel.

"from work. And you?" ariel answered.

"oh what do you do? And I don't really but she invited me over here previously this week. I guess she doesn't know a lot of people here other than you and her family. Er. Obviously."

"yeah. We work in a strip club. What do you do?"

"oh. I don't. I mean work. Im an artist."

"oh wow."

"and im a star," Rachel said: "well im going to be. Are you guys coming to sectionals? You should. And the ballet that Ashley and I are in. and cabaret which im going to be in."

"well youre definitely not shy," Janis said.

"no just not all that popular."

"um we might. What ballet? Whens sectionals?" ariel asked.

"Dracula. And the 28th."

"oh. Thanks for inviting us."

"ballets so pretty," tina said.

"yeah it is. But its hard," I said.

"yeah I know."

"ok so whos hungry?" Janis asked standing.

"oh I am," tina said also standing.

I then realized I was as well: "as am I."

I hadn't yet sit down so I didn't have to stand. Which worked out.

We made our way into the kitchen. Well except for ariel and Rachel.

"does Rachel inform everyone shes a star?" Janis asked.

"yeah im beginning to think so," I said.

"shes very driven. And no shes not shy," tina said.

"yes well we can see that," joan said.

From the living room we heard the opening of 'cabaret' from 'cabaret'.

"well shes talented ill give her that," I said.

"yes yes she is," tina said.

"hey we should've invited jimi then he could play his guitar for us all," Janis said.

I remembered seeing him around school.

"he seems cool," I said.

"yeah he is. Hes really nice."

"maybe I will," joan said pulling out her phone.

Tina looked at me waiting.

"you can help yourselves to anything that's in here," I told them.


	47. Ashley: Before The Dance

Ashley

It was a few hrs later and we were all ready for the dance. It was semiformal so you could be as dressed up as you wanted but you had to be somewhat dressed up. Rose, Hannah and lily were all wearing long, long sleeve dresses rose in green Hannah in black and lily in white. They often worse those colors. Ariel was in seafoam long, long sleeve dress. Rachel was in a cute vivid blue short strapless w/ a poufy skirt. Tina was in a black figure fitting sleeveless. I was in a dress similar to tinas but pink. We often wore these colors. Janis was in a yellow sundress that had roses on it. And joan was in black leather.

Before we left evan, tom, jesse and karen had all taken photos of us. Evan was now taking us to the school in the van. I knew that Janis and joan and jimi would be performing at the dance.

Lily had on a lily necklace and smelled like them rose had on an emerald rose and smelled like lilacs.

"I like your necklace," Rachel who had a star one on told rose.

Rose smiled: "thank you my moms name was emerald. She passed when I was young. She was English as well. I like yours too."

"yeah stars are my thing."

"hey I like your dress. And your pearls," I told Janis hwo was wearing them.

She smelled like roses.

"thank you. Yeah yellow rose of texas that's me. I was born there. And sometimes im called pearl. You look good in pink."

"Thank you."

As usual she had bracelets up and down her arms.

Ariel had on a seashell necklace.

"I like your necklace," I told her.

"thank you. I love the ocean," she said.

She smelled like it.

For the Halloween dance everyone would be wearing their Halloween costumes. The winter dance was formal.

We drove by joans and picked up her friend jimi. He was in black carrying his guitar.

"hey," I said when he entered the van.

"hey jimi," he said looking my way.

"Ashley nice to meet you."

"yeah you too."

The others introduced themselves.

Tom was back at the house and alexa had decided not to come since she couldn't find anything to wear and she wasn't much for dances.

Ruby was also in the van.

Evan pulled up in front of the school. Before we got out he turned to me.

"hey if you need a ride back," he began.

"yeah well call or text," Hannah told him.

"ok."

"you know one of my dads could pick us up. They don't live too far," Rachel said.

"as could our moms. Actually I think your mom might know them haley and kerry? They also don't live too far," Janis told him.

"ill ask if she does," evan said.

"or my mom," ruby said.

"ok Rachel Janis ruby ill need your addresses and contact info," evan told them.

"ok."

Other than Rachel Janis and ruby the rest of us got out.

"everyone have their tickets and money?" evan asked.

"yeah."

"ok have fun."

We got out into the dark night.

"hey I have to go meet cherie, lita, Jackie and vicki and set up," jimi said.

"ok," I called as he went up the long sidewalk to the school.

I wondered who cherie, lita, Jackie and vicki were.

"theyre in the band," joan said answering my unasked question.

"oh," I said.

"actually I should go meet up w/ them as soon as Janis is finished…."

The van door had been left open.

In the distance to our right the school lights were on.

Lucy was w/ us too.

"my sisters in there too. Somewhere. Shes 15. I should go find her," she said.

Lucy was 17.

"ok," I said.

She left rose going w/ her.

"hey you guys should come hear me sing at the coffee shop," Rachel said.

"the one on Monaco and evans?" I asked.

"uh huh. Its oct. 5th at 7. Its an open mic night. And cabarets in November."

"ok. Btw draculas the 29, 30, 31st and nov 1st," I informed everyone.

And the Halloween dance was oct. 30th.

"im hungry," Janis said.

There would be food inside.

It sure was taking everyone a long time to come out of the van.

"hey I want to talk to you guys. Ashley will you excuse us? You too Hannah. And ruby and ariel," lily said.

"yeah of course."

She Rachel walked away.

"oh crap," Janis said looking at her phone.

She looked back up: "um ill be inside."

"ok," I said.

Everyone else came out of the van and we went inside and made our way to the gym.


	48. Ashley: Meeting Amber, Puck, Ben

Ashley

We were now in the gym. Wed already given the ticket takers our tickets. Rachel went to go talk to their friends and Janis, joan and jimi went to talk to theirs. The gym had crepe paper hanging from the ceiling and leaves and apples taped to the walls. There was a food table and stage at one end where the do a college guy was. Next to the food table was a punch table. The gym was dark other than the orange yellow and red lights.

I wandered over to the punch table and poured myself some punch. A cute pretty African american young woman in yellow was also standing there. Her earrings were big hoops and her shoes were heels. Her dress was a '50's style one w/ a large circumference.

"hi I like your dress," I told her.

She smiled: "thanks. I like yours too. Im amber. Are you joining the club?"

"thank you. Ashley. And what club?"

"the glee club."

"oh. No."

"oh. Nice to meet you."

"yeah you too."

She left.

I sipped my punch and noticed Hannah talking to 2 guys. Theyd all started dancing.

Ruby and ariel had also started dancing. Lucy and rose were standing talking to a beautiful dark girl who I presumed was lucys sister.

I was standing there not doing much of anything when a tall tan guy in black came over to me and poured himself some punch. He looked me up and down.

"hey I really like your dress. You look hot," he told me.

"thank you you look good too. Im Ashley btw," I said.

"puck good to meet you."

"yeah you too."

"hey would you want to dance w/ me tonight?"

"yeah ok," I said.

"you joinin the club?" he asked.

"youre the 2nd person whos asked ambers the 1st. And no."

"oh."

He smelled like cologne and body heat.

"well if you'll excuse me. Ill see you around," he told me.

"yeah sure."

He went to talk to jimi.

A tall guy who was pale w/ dark red hair came over to me.

"hi can I get you some. Oh never mind," he said realizing I already had punch.

"its ok," I told him.

"um."

He seemed shy.

"im Ashley," I said.

"ben nice to meet you."

"yeah you too. Hey I think theyre about to start," he said looking towards the stage.


	49. performances at the dance

Ashley

A tall guy in black pants a white shirt and black vest stepped onto the stage. It was dark behind him but I could make out 8 figured behind him.

"hi everyone. I'm mr. schue Spanish teacher here at south for those who don't know. And these are the new directions," he said.

He stepped back and a spotlight shown on the group. Amber, Rachel, tina and dianna were up there along w/ another blonde and a brunette. Puck and another 2 guys were up there. The guys had dark hair. That made for 3 guys and 6 girls. They clearly needed more guys. They began w/ the beatles 'all my loving' then went into 'I don't want to miss a thing'. and after 'steal my kisses', 'I cant make you love me', 'at last' and 'girls just wanna have fun'. they then went into 'lets hear it for the boy', 'beauty and the beast', 'hakuna matata', 'can you feel the love tonight', 'boys of summer' and ended w/ 'don't stop believin'.

'I don't want to miss a thing' 'I cant make you love me' and 'can you feel the love tonight' were all slow dances while the rest weren't. the crowd went wile during 'don't stop believing'.

During 'boys of summer' be n drummed his fingers on the tabletop. He had a good sense of rhythm.

"you have a good sense of rhythm," I told him looking at him.

"thank you and youre a good dancer," he said.

"thank you."

During 'I don't want to miss a thing' he went "oh this is such a great song."

"yeah I know. It is," I said.

During 'can you feel the love tonight' I took him by the hands led him out onto the floor and we started slow dancing. I noticed that Hannah was dancing w/ one of her friends and rose and lucy were dancing together. Janis and jimi were dancing together. During the first 4 slow songs ben and I hadn't danced together so I decided we would on the 5th one.

When they were done mr. schue came back onstage.

"thank you. Again the new directions. Be sure to come to our next show which is the 28th. And now for my next act the runaways."

Joan and a feathery blonde and another blonde and 3 brunettes got onstage. The feathery blonde was in a corset.

"hi im joan and these are the runaways cherie, lita, Jackie and vicki. Alrite now whos ready to rock?"

They got out their guitars and started playing.

Within a few mins puck came back to me and stood next to me. He was warm.

"hey good job," ben told him.

"thank you. Im puck btw," puck replied.

"hey ben. Nice to meet you."

"yeah you too. Is it cool if I dance w/ your lady here?"

"uh well were not together but yeah."

"ok cool thanks."

"sure."

Ben went elsewhere.

The runaways performed 'I love playing w/ fire', 'I love rock and roll', 'cherry bomb', 'crimson & clover', 'kiss me deadly', 'wild one', 'born to run' and 'you drive me wild'. again the crowd went wild. Everyone liked rock.

During 'crimson n clover' puck and I danced.

"damn theyre good," puck said.

"yeah I know they really are," I said.

"do you want some more punch?"

Id already had 4 cups.

"yeah ok."

He poured me some more punch. It tasted different than usual slightly bitter and strong.

After them Janis and her band the holding company performed. They performed' piece of my heart' and 'woman left lonely', among others. They were also good.

then jimi performed. He performed 'something', 'while my guitar gently weeps' and 'come together', among others. He was good as well.

Then he and Janis performed. then puck did then Rachel then puck and Rachel. After that it was back to the dj.


	50. Chapter 145555555555555

It was 7 when we got to the living room Dad, Evan, Rebecca, Alexa, Tom, Hannah, Eric, Rose, Louisa, Serena and Pam were sitting on the sofas. There was a big cardboard box on the coffee table in front of them and several more on the carpet.

"Hey," I said.

"What's all this?" Mandy asked.

"Hey," Dad said.

"Halloween decorations," Evan answered.

"We're putting them up now?" I asked.

"Yeah. You don't mind do you?" Rebecca said.

"No, no. Just let us put our stuff up in my room."

"Ok. We ordered pizza for dinner," Alexa informed me.

"Ok sounds good."

"I love pizza," Amber said as we climbed the stairs to the second floor.

"Babe?" Puck said.

"Yeah?" I returned.

"After this I'm going to Rachel's to bake, so I can't stay long."

"Ok."

Rachel, like myself, lived in a large house.

"I already know the schedule," Rachel said, as we reached my room.

"Of?" I asked, opening the door.

"For the club."

"Oh."

We went into my room and set the hopping bags on the floor. This meant mr. schue had already told her.

"We're doing a Valentine's Day show and one for St. Patrick's Day," Rachel said.

"Oh."

"We should do a cabaret themed one...you know, you, Lily, Serena, maybe Amanda," Puck said.

"I could be in it as well," Tina said.

Puck looked at her; "you, can cabaret dance?"

"Clearly, you don't know me," she returned.

"We're also doing a gay pride one," Chris said.

"It involves rainbows," Cory said.

We went down the stairs and into the living room, where everyone exchanged introductions.

We crouched down on the floor by the boxes. We pulled out orange and black garlands, cauldrons, skeletons, cat figurines, fake spiders, fake lilies, fake roses, witch's hats.

"Lilies?" Puck asked, looking at me.

"They're the death flower," Lily answered.

He turned to her; "oh?"

"Yeah. During the 1930's for funerals, they couldn't afford roses."

"Oh."

"Evan, Rachel, Puck, Serena, Rose and I'll do the attic," I volunteered.

"Ok." Dad replied.

"Alexa, Tom, Eric, Louisa, Serena and I'll do the bedrooms," Rebecca said.

"Sounds good."

"Adam, Amber, Cory, Chris, Dianna and I'll do this floor," Mandy said.

"Alrite."

"Mike, Tina, Brittany, Santana, Lily and I'll do the outside," Brian said.

"Ok. Just take a box or 2 and start," Pam told us.

"Ok."

Evan and Puck took 2 boxes each and them, myself, Rachel, Serena and Rose climbed the 2 flights of stairs to the attic.

-XXX-

When we got to the top floor of the house Evan and Puck set the boxes on the floor.

"We'll go get some more," Evan said.

"Ok," I said.

They went down the stairs behind us.

"Wow," Rachel said.

"It's so big," Serena said.

"I know. I've been up here before but yeah, it's still big. Dad's hardly ever up here, so," Rose said.

"I've actually never been up here," I aid.

"So where's the attic?" Rachel asked.

"Well, right in front of us, I...think."

"Yeah you're right Ashley it's right in front of us," Rose told me.

"Ok."

A few yards in front of us at the end of the dark wooded hall were 2 giant wooden doors with large metal handles. The doors met in the middle and stretched to the walls. Along the walls and down the hall were several door.

"That's, your attic?" Serena asked.

"Yeah apparently so."

"Omygod that's huge!"

"Yeah I know."

"Why are there so many doors?" Rachel asked.

"Bedrooms, probably," Rose answered.

"Wow. An entire family could live here and you'd never know."

"Yeah it's a bit creepy."

"It's also warm. And stuffy. And dusty. And...well, don't take off your shoes cuz you might get a nail or a splinter," Serena observed.

I noticed carvings in 3 of the doors and went over to them.

'DO NOT ENTER' one said, 'KEEP OUT' another read, 'MY ROOM' the 3rd one said.

"Why would anyone carve in the doors?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know. But I have a feeling...that whoever carved these isn't the owner of these rooms".

I placed my right hand over the first one, and immediatly got an image; a man pushed a dark haired girl into the room, locked the door it and put the key in his pocket.

"Noooooo!" her screams echoed.

I stepped back from the door.

"Oh. my god," I said.

"You ok?" Rose asked.

"I...something happened in this room. Something dark. Whatever you do don't go in there," I warned them.

I went to the next door, and traced the lettering. Again, I got an image.

"Don't worry, it's perfectly safe. There are lilacs in there Lily and I know how much you like them. Emerald's already been examined," the tall thin old man in the white lab coat said, holding the door open for the brunette.

I stepped back and went back to the group.

"Lily..." I whispered.

"Hm?" Serena asked, looking at me.

The next image that flashed through my mind was of the brunette, her curly black hair now dyed red.

"Honey?" Serena asked.

I shook my head to clear it; "nothing."

"Ok."

"Do you think we should go in the other rooms?" Rachel asked.

"No, not...not right now."

"Usually nothing fazes you. You sure you're alrite?" Rose asked.

I looked at her. Her green eyes were wide.

"I'll tell you about it later," I told her.

"Ok."

It was also quite dark.

"There a light up here?" Serena asked.

Don't turn on the light, I heard a voice say.

"No. But I have one," I replied

I pulled my Zippo out and flicked it open, lighting the flame.

"Don't smoke up here, it's made entirely of wood," Serena said.

"This is for light sweethart," I told her.

"Oh."

In the dark I saw a glint of a reflection and realised there were mirrors placed in between the doors.

"Why are there so many mirrors?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know., Rose answered.

"Oh."

Alongside one wall below a mirror I noticed a wood end table on which was a wrought iron candlebra with black candles stuck in it.

"Black, candles?" Serena asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah. We shouldn't light them."

"Ok."

Rachel crouched on the floor in front of the boxes.

"Guess we should open the boxes," she said, taking the lids off the top ones and setting them aside.

She stood up. Serena moved closer to me and wound her arm around my waist.

In front of us, the candles flickered on.

"Whoa," Rachel said.

"Yeah I saw that too," Rose said.


	51. Chapter 14666666666666

Behind us we heard footsteps. We stepped to the side to let Puck and Evan up. They put the boxes all the boxes on the floor and opened them.

"Did you...?" Evan asked, looking at me and then the candles.

"No, none of us did."

"Oh."

"That the attic?" Puck asked, indicating the large doors.

I nodded; "yeah."

"Alrite."

They went and opened the heavy doors.

"There ya go," Evan said.

"Thanks," I said.

We each got a box and went into the giant room. There were round windows on 3 sides, and what I could only presume were large paintings leaning against the walls. There were black trunks, wire dress forms, round hat boxes, wood night stands and rectangular cardboard boxes. Some of the dress forms were empty and some had clothes, jewelry and scarves on them.

"Wow," Serena said.

Someone flicked a switch and the room was flooded with light.

"Guess they decided to install modern lighting up here," Rachel said.

"They?" Rose asked.

"Whoever lived here before you did."

"Oh."

"So where do we start?" Puck asked.

"Um, try and tape the garlands to the ceiling," I told them.

"Ok."

They dug the garlands out of the boxes and started.

Serena, Rose, Rachel and I taped the skeletons and paper ghosts to the walls and windows. Within a few minutes we were done.

We left the boxes in the room and headed downstairs into the living room. It was 7:40 by that time.


	52. Ashley: Shopping

It was 6:30 and we were in one of the vintage shops downtown.

Chris put on a black, 1920's cloche.

"What do you think of this?" he asked.

Amber looked at him and smiled; "oh you can so rock that look Chris."

"Really?"

"Yeah it looks great," I said.

Mandy stepped out of a dressing room wearing a long, white flapper dress and pearls. The dress made her appear thinner than she was.

"Omygod," I gasped.

"You look amazing," Adam told her.

She smiled.

"We should do a '20's themed performance, maybe in the spring," Cory said.

"...that Vanderbilt, might admire..." Rachel sang.

I looked at her, pulling the brim of a purple '40's hat over one eyebrow; "that's, Chicago."

"We could do music from that, and from DeLovely," Dianna said.

"DeLovely's an elegant film."

"Yes. Yes it is."

"You guys know how to Charleston?" Brian asked.

"No."

"You'll learn."

"Very Sinatra," Lily commented, about my hat.

I smiled.

"I found the poodle skirts," Tina said, from a round metal rack of them.

We walked over and checked the prices. They ranged from $24.50 to $60.

"It seems like a lot...let's see that's...$196, almost $200," Mike said.

I looked at him.

"Sorry I'm just really good with numbers."

"Oh."

Rachel walked out of the dressing room in a slick, short '60's dress with wide straps; it had big black and green squares on it.

"We should do a '60's one!" Lily said.

"Yeah, we will."

Chris walked over in a pair of purple platforms.

"Whoa," he said.


	53. Ashley: dresses

It was that night. Dianna, Rachel, Chris, Amber, Mandy, Lily, Brittany, Santana and I were in a large lit department store at the mall, dress shopping for the upcoming winter dance. We were in the prom dress section.

"What do you think of this?" Rachel asked, getting a long dark purple spaghetti-strap dress off the rack.

"Oh, that would look very pretty with your hair," Dianna told her.

"But I think this is more you," Chris said, taking down a strapless purple one.

Rachel walked over to it and got it from him.

"Yeah it would. I'll go try it on."

She walked away to the dressing rooms.

"I think I saw one that would look good on you," Mandy told Amber.

"Ok and maybe we could find something for you. What's your size?" Amber asked her.

They walked off.

"I'm going to bring this to Rachel," Chris said, taking down a dark purple strapless tube dress with a thin clear sparkle overlay on it.

"Ok," I said.

He walked off.

"What do you think of this one?" Santana asked, holding up a red ruffled tube dress.

"Let's go try it on," Brittany said.

"Ok."

They went to the dressing rooms.

Amber and Mandy also went, taking a yellow dress with straps with them.

I spotted Rose by one of the metal racks, behind all the dresses. She was in a long black wool coat and hat.

"I'm gonna go talk to Rose," I told Dianna and Lily.

"Ok."

I made my way over to Rose.

"Um hi," I said.

She started.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."

"That's ok. What are you doing here?" she asked.

"Dress shopping for the upcoming holiday dance. And you?"

"i was also shop- would you like a bracelet?"

She held up a gold bracelet.

"Sure ok."

"I'm gettin kindof hungry. Do you wanna go get something to eat?"'

"Sure ok."

We passed Dianna and Lily.

"We're gonna go get something to eat," I told them.

"Ok."

We walked off.

"Excuse me miss," a male voice said, grabbing my arm.

I turned and saw a security gaurd not much older than me.

"Oh my hello," I said, turning on the Southern charm.

"I thought I saw your friend over there by the jewelry racks."

"Oh no you must be thinking of her twin."

"Oh ok."

"You know...you have very nice eyes and a big-"

I was flirting with and complimenting him at the same time in order to distract him from Rose's having taken the bracelet.

"Ashley," Rose hissed, about the sexual innuendo of my remark.

We left.

"You know...you have very nice eyes and a big-"

I was flirting with and complimenting him at the same time in order to distract him from Rose's having taken the bracelet.

"Ashley," Rose hissed, about the sexual innuendo of my remark.

We left.


	54. Ashley: Tuesday: Lunch: Dance Meeting

Tuesday

It was Tuesday at lunch. Rachel, Mike, Tina, Dianna, Adam, Jessica, Puck, Alexa, Rose, Lily, Hannah, Eric, Brian, Ben and myself were all in the choir room for the dance committee meeting.

I knew Jessica from cheerleading and adam, eric and brian just from seeing them around the school. Jessica had blonde hair and brown eyes.

"Alrite, so how do we want to decorate?" Rachel asked.

"Uh, Halloween-like," Mike answered.

"Well we know that," Tina answered.

"We could have black and orange crepe paper streamers across the ceiling and balloons," Dianna answered.

"Ok, and giant paper cats, ghosts, witches, ravens, spiders and pumpkins," Adam said.

"Someone could be the..." Jessica leaned forward and pantomimed gazing into a crystal ball.

"Fortune teller," puck supplied.

"Yeah."

"Someone else could read tarot cards," alexa said.

"Cool, and we could have another person do palmistry," rose said.

"We could have a, um," lily began.

She put her hands up, bringing them together and pulled them apart, then down and together again. She then made her right hand arc over the space, twice.

"Ouija board?" Hannah guessed.

She looked at him and smiled; "yeah, that."

"Oh, and also...fog," eric said.

"Cool," brian agreed.

"And we could have like, printed out Poe writings," ben said.

I looked at him, confused; "like, on the wall?"

"Yeah, I think I get what he means," Rachel put in.

"You mean, we'd print out writings of his, take 'em to Kinko's, have them enlarged-" mike began.

At which point tina laughed.

"What?" dianna asked, looking at him.

"Enlarged."

"Shutit," adam told him.

"Ok, sorry."

"Mike, you were saying?" Jessica asked.

"And then put them on the walls."

"Ok sounds good," puck said.

"There could be dancing ghosts, cats, witches and ravens. Like, dancing lights in the shape of them," alexa said.

"Ok," rose agreed.

"And there would be giant fake coffins in the corners," lily added.

"What about lighting and music?" hannah asked.

"Dark lighting," eric said.

"Do you think they'd let us have candles?" brian asked.

"No, not actual ones," ben answered.

"But maybe those battery powered ones?" Isuggested.

"Ok cool," Rachel replied.

"We could play horror movies," mike said.

"Ok, and as for music..." Dianna began.

"We definately need to have Monster Mash," adam said.

"Yeah it's a classic," Jessica said.

"Something from Nightmare Before Christmas," puck said.

"Something ethereal yet rock-like," alexa said.

"Emilie Autumn?" rose suggested.

"Yeah that'd be awesome."

"The glee club'll be performing a number from Cats and one from Wicked also," Lilt said.

"So, we could have both of those soundtracks," Hannah said.

"Ok," eric said.

"What about pop?" brian asked.

Ben looked at him; "Pop?"

"Not like, Beach Boys, '50's kind of stuff. I mean, popular music nowadays."

"Oh."

"Yeah that'd work," I concurred.

"What about food and beverages?" Chris asked.

"The fruit punch could be 'bubbling' out of black plastic cauldrons," Rachel said.

"Bubbling?" mike asked.

"Yeah, someone could be underneath the tablecloths and be blowing bubbles through a straw."

"Oh."

"The food?" tina asked.

"Sweets, strawberries, raisins, grapes and chocolate," dianna said.

"Ok, yeah I get it," adam said.

"Because of their colors," Jessica said.

"We could sell merchandise from the show Wicked," puck suggested.

"Yeah that's a great way to raise money for the club's trip," alexa said.

"Ok, like brooms, mixed CDs, posters, the books, those little umbrella thingys," rose said.

"Parasols," lily supplied.

"Yeah those."

"Now who's doing what?" Hannah asked.

"The club's taking care of the sweets," eric answered.

"I'll bring the strawberries, raisins and grapes," brian added.

"Ok I'll bring the punch," ben put in.

"I'll take care of the music," I said.

"I'll get the lighting," Rachel said.

"And the rest of us will shop for the decorations after club rehearsal tonight," mike said.

"Ok sounds good," tina said.

"You're free to go," dianna said.

We left.


	55. Rose: Friday

Rose

It was 5 p.m. and ballet had started 20 minutes ago. So it was now 5:20. I was in ballet class lined up at the bar w/ the other girls. We were doing pointe work now. We rose up on our toes and then down into plies. We repeated this several times. Then did it in the other 4 positions. We always started in first.


	56. Ashley: puck piano guitar ballet meeting

**Ashley**

It was later that day, after school and almost time for rehearsal. I was outside the choir room. From inside I heard someone playing the piano. Whoever it was was very good and the sweeping music filled the still room. It was dark haunted sensual. I recognised it as 'Music Of The Night' from 'Phantom Of The Opera'. The music went up and down. It made everything still and swept you up into the song, the story. The song ended and another one began, 'Memory' from 'Cats'. I'd always liked this one. The notes were higher, and graceful, in a way. They washed over you. It ended and Ella Fitzgerald's 'Lullaby Of Birdland' began. It was fun, lighter. I slowly turned the big cold silver knob and slowly opened the big wooden door to find Puck sitting at the piano, playing. He looked up when I entered never taking his fingers from the keys. I went and sat on the gray carpeted bleachers.

"Hey," he said, still playing.

"Hey I didn't know you played," I returned.

"Well now you do."

"How long you been playin?"

"Since I was 7. I also play guitar."

"7 wow. You're really good."

"Thanks. You know who this is?"

"Ella Fitzgerald, Lullaby Of Birdland."

"Right. You like jazz?"

"Love it."

"Good I was hoping you'd say that."

"Oh? Why?" I asked.

"Well some friends of mine are playing at a place downtown this Friday and I'm inviting you. What are you doing this Friday?"

"Um I have my show."

"Oh that's right. How long do they usually last?"

"A few hours."

"Oh. What about after?"

"Ok."

We'd go downtown after my show.

He began Heart's 'Alone'.

"What happened to your arm?" I asked.

"My mom hit me this morning when she came home drunk," he replied without hesitation.

"Oh. Why?"

"I was the nearest uh, thing."

"Oh. I've been there."

"You have?"

"Yeah, back up in Brooklyn my dad used to do the same thing."

"Oh. Your mom?"

"Dead, she's been dead for awhile."

"Oh."

"Your dad?"

"He split."

"Oh. You seem so comfortable here," I observed.

"Well I've always been comfortable around music. It's part of the reason I joined the club."

"Yeah I get that."

He started 'Maybe This Time' from 'Cabaret'.

"Hey would you like to meet Kate after?" I asked.

"After...?"

"Oh, well I got ballet after this so I was thinking then."

After ballet.

"Sure."

"Ok."


	57. Chapter 12777

_**Jesse**_

_The day I met Karen, it was cold. I was in art class, drawing a picture of Kate. Karen was drawing a picture of bones. She commented on my drawing and I hers. She explained to me that bones were elegant and simple. I said they also indicated something more. Which they did. Kate had lost so much weight that her bones were now sticking out. Karen herself was very thin. We walked to the coffee shop. I wanted to walk because of Kate. I was very aware of my own health, with my sister being sick. I asked Karen if her beautiful blonde hair was her natural hair because Kate's had fallen out. I told her she could have something at the coffee shop if she wanted to. She commented that I'd said if. _

_A lot of people didn't have choices. My sister, for one. She hadn't since she was 2, having been sick all her life. And now about 20 years later my own daughter. I'd apologised to Karen that day because I sensed her pain. I'd always been good at that. I'd felt enuogh myself from my parents. And ignorance. I'd told Karen I didnt want her to end up like Kate, who was so sick she couldn't eat. I'd learned that Karen didn't eat because she'd been sexually violated._


	58. Chapter 139

**Karen**

It had been at least 20 years since high school. A lot had changed. for one thing I wasn't in boarding school I wasn't in a facility for young women w/ eating disorders or whod been abused or who cut. I wasn't pregnant. Or a prostitute. Anymore. I was in my 40s now a lesbian who lived w/ my friend Jesse and our daughters in a big house in Denver, Colorado although I'd grown up in Connecticut. We had 10 children; 9 daughters and one son. Our son Evan didn't live with us. He had his own place. I worked as a psychologist and Jesse, an artist. We'd meet in high school.

As jesse drove through the dark night to the hotel where the reunion was to be held I thought of that day in high school I met jesse.

* * *

_**Monday**_

_It was Monday. I was in art class, drawing. To my right was a guy also drawing. I was drawing spiders and bones in various arrangements. He was drawing 3 young women who all looked alike. The one on the left had thick black hair, the one on the right shiny curled red hair and the one in the middle was bald. They all had small faces. He was taller than I, with light hair and a beard._

_"Wow," I said; "they're beautiful."_

_"Thanks. And she," the guy said._

_"Hmm?"_

_"It's one person."_

_"Oh."_

_"My sister."_

_"Oh," I said, with a note of understanding._

_"So. Bones."_

_"Yeah. They're beautiful. Elegant," I explained._

_"They also indicate something more," he said._

_He meant that when someone my size draws bones, it's not just for the sake of drawing. Art's a form of communication and he saw and got that._

_"Would you like to go to lunch?" he asked._

_"Oh I'm, not looking to date anyone," I replied._

_"I asked you to lunch. Not out."_

_"Oh."_

_"Or, coffee."_

_"Sure, coffee sounds good."_

_"Ok. When?"_

_"Um."_

_I made a snap decision; "after this class."_

_"Ok."_

_A few minutes later the bell rang. The class stood up and collected their things._

_"So where's your car?" I asked the guy as we headed out._

_"Oh we can walk it's not far," he answered._

_"Um ok."_

_"So you from here?"_

_"Yes, and you?"_

_"Well, Rhode Island, originally. Then I moved to L.A., then went to an art school in New York and then came here."_

_"Oh. Wow."_

_I was a little surprised by the number of places he'd lived._

_"I'm sorry about earlier. I guess I'm still a bit shaken up."_

_"It's ok. About?"_

_"My sister."_

_"Oh. The one in the picture?"_

_He nodded; "yeah I have 2. Or, had, 2."_

_"Oh. Y'know, um..." I realised I didn't know his name._

_"Jesse," he told me._

_"Yeah, Jesse. I'm not really that hungry."_

_"You sure? You look thin."_

_"Well. Thanks for pointing that out."_

_"I'm sorry, uh."_

_"Karen," I told him._

_"Karen. I guess I'm just a lot more aware of these things ever since..."_

_"Ever since what?"_

_"Nothing."_

_Okkkk. I wondered where he was going with that statement._

_"Is that your natural hair?" Jesse asked._

_I nodded._

_"Wow. It's beautiful."_

_Beautiful so beautiful, I heard his voice say._

_"Um..."_

_"Something wrong?" Jesse asked, peering at me._

_"Um. I'm just, sensitive about my hair."_

_"Or lack thereof," he mumbled._

_"Hmm?"_

_"Nothing. I'll even pay."_

_"Er, pay?"_

_"For...if, you want something at the cafe."_

_"Oh."_

_If. He'd said if. I had a choice._

_"Wow," I said._

_"Yeah?"_

_"You said if."_

_"Yes. I did."_

_"I have a choice."_

_"Well Karen...a lot of people don't. My sister didn't," he explained._

_"Oh. Wow. I'm sorry."_

_I was apologizing because I understood what it was like to not have a choice when it came to your health and how unfair that was._

_"Thanks. Me too."_

_"Why are you sorry?"_

_"For you."_

_"Wow. Thank you."_

_I was surprised._

_"Sure."_

_By now we were walking down the hall._

_"Oh god," I said._

_Jesse looked at me; "yes?"_

_"I can't breathe."_

_"Anxiety?"_

_"I. No. Something else."_

_"Ok. Don't panic."_

_"Um."_

_"I know it's counterintuitive and hard not to. Do you need to sit down?"_

_"Yeah, I do, actually."_

_"Ok."_

_We came to the metal lockers. Jesse helped me sit down on the floor, then stood back up._

_"Try to breathe. I'm going to go get you some water. Stay here ok?" he told me, looking at me._

_"I. Ok."_

_I leaned back against the metal lockers. He walked down the hall._

_He was so nice and the first one who had taken such an interest in my eating habits, or lack thereof. It was incredibly touching. Tears started streaming down my face._

_Down the hall I saw him talking with my psychology teacher. I think they were talking about me as they both kept looking at me._

_Jesse came down the hall, holding a small paper cup of water. The teacher went down the hall the other way._

_Jesse reached me, sat on the floor next to me and handed me the water._

_"Here. Drink this," he told me._

_i lifted the cup to my lips and took a sip. Then another and another._

_"Thirsty?" he asked._

_"Yeah I guess," I gasped._

_"Don't push yourself. Slow down."_

_I handed the cup to him._

_He noticed the tears._

_"Hey," he said softly, "what's wrong?"_

_"You're just so...nice."_

_"Most people aren't this nice?"_

_"Well. Most people don't take such an interest."_

_"Oh. Yeah, I know how that is. I know what it's like to know someone that's sick."_

_"I...wow."_

_I was, again, surprised._

_"When was the last time you ate something?" he asked._

_"Early this morning. I ate a lot."_

_"Ok. Have you been eating?"_

_"I. No."_

"_Which is why you ate so much."_

_"I'm sorry," I said, suddenly embarrassed._

_"It's ok. I don't want you to end up like my sister."_

_"Oh."_

_Jesse pulled some tissues out of his backpack and handed them to me. We stood up and walked down the hall._

* * *

_"Y'know, she didn't think she was," Jesse told me, opening the door of the coffee shop for me._

_"Who?" I asked, following the people in front of us._

_"My sister. I don't know that she ever felt beautiful except when she was at the dance. And then..."_

_"Wow. That's really sad."_

_"Yeah. It is. Your comment would mean, uh, would've, meant, a lot to her."_

_"The one about the picture?"_

_"Uh huh."_

_Jesse filed in after me._

_"So what do you want?" he asked me._

_We both looked up at the menu set on the wall._

_"Um...chai tea and..."_

_"And?" jesse asked, guessing I wanted something more._

_I wandered over to the pastry case while Jesse ordered. The coffee shop smelled wonderful and warm and was filled with the sound of chatter. Outside was cold._

_I spotted a large, dark brown chocolate muffin through the pastry window. Next to it was a small tray of white triangle scones._

_It's ok, a voice told me. You can have the muffin._

_"Karen?" Jesse asked._

_"Hmm?"_

_"Um."_

_"Oh."_

_I stood back up._

_"Yeah, a chocolate muffin and...3 scones," I told the cashier._

_"Ok," he replied._

_"Did you get my tea?" I asked Jesse._

_He nodded; "yeah. Why don't you go find a seat? I'll be right there."_

_"Ok."_

_I turned and found a seat._

_It was scary, knowing I'd be eating for the first time in awhile._

* * *

_A few minutes later Jesse came over with our food._

_"Here you go miss," he said, sliding the muffin, scones and chai tea onto the dark wooden table in front of me._

_"Thank you," I said._

_"Mmhmm."_

_He went around and sat down at the dark wooden bench across the table from me. In front of him was a cup of coffee and a large croissant._

_"Wow," I said, staring at the bread, "that looks really good."_

_I then realised I was staring._

_"Sorry," I apologised, "I'm just."_

_"Starving?" Jesse guessed, taking a sip of his coffee._

_"Um. Yeah."_

_"Oh. It's ok. I've seen you around. Mainly downtown. In school. At parties."_

_"Um. Wow."_

_I was surprised and felt invaded._

_"Oh, don't worry. I'm not stalking you or anything. But we do go to the same school."_

_"Right."_

_"And I spend a lot of time downtown. Always have, even when I was living in L.A."_

_"Oh."_

_"And the parties, well. I like to find inspiration for my drawings."_

_"Oh."_

_"You're also very pretty. Beautiful, even," Jesse told me._

_"I."_

_I knew the right thing to say was, the right thing to do, was thank him._

_"What?" Jesse asked._

_"I don't like being pretty."_

_"Is that why you don't eat?" he asked, a note of understanding in his voice; "because something happened?"_

_I nodded and stared down at the table; "yeah. I was."_

_"It's ok. You don't have to tell me. If you don't want to."_

_"I was violated."_

_"Sexually I'm guessing."_

_I breathed._

_"Yeah."_

_It was the first time I'd admitted it outloud._

_"Wow. Karen, I hate to tell you this but...pretty is something you can't help."_

_"He loved my hair. They did."_

_"There's more than 1."_

_"Yeah."_

_"Beauty comes in all forms," Jesse told me; "I remember...the day my mom shaved off her hair to show my sister that bald can be beautiful."_

_"What happened to your sister?"_

_"She died. When she was 16."_

_"Omygod wow."_

_"Exactly. I'm not going to let that happen to you."_

_"Wow," I said softly._

_I took a sip of my tea. The warm spicy liquid slid down my throat._

* * *

_"And then what?" I asked._

_"Hmm?" Jesse asked, coming out of his daydream._

_"You said, the only time your sister felt pretty was at the dance and then...you didn't say anything else."_

_"Oh. Well she died shortly after. That night was the night she and her boyfriend consumated their love."_

_"Oh."_

_"Yeah. Then he died. too."_

_"Wow."_

_"She grew very depressed. Anna, she's my other sister, Anna told me about when she found Kate..."_

_"Kate?"_

_"She's the one who died."_

_"Oh. Yeah. Anna and my parents still live back in L.A."_

_"Oh."_

_"Yeah, got my own place here."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah. I like your earrings," Jesse said._

_He was referring to the pearl earrings I'd picked up at the department store._

_"Thanks."_

_"Where'd you get them?"_

_"Department store."_

_"Oh. Looks like we have ourselves a snow day."_

_He looked out the window. I followed his gaze. Outside, snow was falling._

_"Yeah," I said._

_I slowly unwrapped my muffin and put it in my mouth. As I took a bite my legs hurt._

_"Omygod this is really good," I said._

_Jesse merely smiled._

_"Ow."_

_"Yes?" he asked._

_"My legs hurt."_

_"Your body needs nutrients," he told me, locking eyes with me._

_"Oh. Is that why...?"_

_"Yes, Karen. That's why."_

* * *

I'd gone to college about 20 years ago, down in ft. Lauderdale. Jesse and I'd lived together then, with Evan and our 4 daughters, Louisa, Amanda, Kate and Anna. In high school I'd been pregnant w/ Evan and the twins Louisa and Amanda. Jesse and I'd had Anna as a donor for Kate, who was 13. Anna was 10.

I had a girlfriend, Pam who I'd known in elementary school and had become friends w/ in high school. She didn't live w/ us. I hadn't seen her in a few years though wed been emailing back and forth through the years.

In high school Jesse' and id taken a road trip to new York. At the time, even though Jesse was still in high school he was also in art school in the city. It wasn't that far away from Connecticut. Id met jesses friend mark there. We'd had relations and I ended up pregnant, again. He was Hannahs dad.

* * *

_It was the day before the road trip. Jesse and I'd stepped into the white living room of his house. Ahead of the front door was a white carpeted staircae. On their small white living rooom couch a thin blonde woman was sitting, reading a magazine. The house was quiet._

_"Uh, Mom?" Jesse asked._

_"Hm?" she looked up, not really noticing us._

_"Hi," I said, smiling._

_"Hi, I'm Sara Fitzgerald," she told me._

_"And I'm Karen."_

_"My, friend from school," Jesse informed his mom._

_"Oh."_

_"It's nice to meet you," I said._

_"Yeah you too."_

_"Anna...?" Jesse asked._

_Mrs. Fitzgerald raised her eyes to the white ceiling._

_We made our way up the stairs and down the thin narrow carpeted hall._

_"Your mom seems..." I searched for something good to say about her; "um. nice."_

_"Yeah she's changed since Kate- she's changed."_

_"Oh."_

_At the end of the hall Jesse knocked on a closed tall wooden door._

_"Yeah?" a voice came from inside._

_"Anna," Jesse returned._

_"Oh. Come in."_

_He opened the door and we went in. On the made bed was a thin girl my age, reading. She had pale skin, dark brown hair past her shoulders and big brown eyes. She was wearing white pants and a long sleeve V beck black sweater. She looked up when we came in._

_"Hi," she said._

_"Hi how are you?" Jesse asked._

_"Ok just really tired."_

_"Oh."_

_He turned to me; "after Kate, um." died_

_I nodded, following._

_"Anna was diagnosed with leukemia."_

_"Oh wow."_

_"Yeah. _

___"Ye____ah I know. I'm Karen, Jesse's friend from school."_I'm Anna, as you probably figured," she told me.

* * *

_I sensed someone walking down the hallway towards me. I smelled him a few seconds before he reached me. He smelled like a mixture of smoke and cologne._

_"Hey," Jesse said, "I just had a crazy idea."_

_"Yeah?" I asked, turning to him._

_"You want to go on a road trip?"_

_"But we have...school. And my jobs," I replied; "we can't do this."_

_"It's ok. I told your teachers you were too sick to go back to school. And both Melissa and Max agreed you could use some time off."_

_"Wow that was quick."_

_I as surprised with how quickly he'd arranged all this._

_"Yeah I know. So do you want to go?" he asked._

_"Um, sure, ok. I'll need to pack...leave a note for David...where we goin?"_

_"Wherever the wind takes us. So dress accordingly."_

_"When?"_

_"Right. Now," Jesse told me, a gleam in his now silver eyes._

_We walked down the hall, the stairs and into the cold. Once we reached the parking lot we got into Jesse's waiting black jeep and drove off._

* * *

_"Hey," I said to Jesse._

_He glanced at me through the rearview mirror of my dad's large white van._

_"Yeah?" he asked._

_"Do your eyes change color?"_

_"You're very observant. Yeah, they do."_

_"Wow."_

_We were driving across the state of Connecticut. We'd passed dead trees and snow, lots of snow. Jesse didn't have much stuff but I had quite a bit, which was all in the van. We'd brought blankets as well in case we got stuck. Jesse knew where the hospitals were along the way to wherever it is we were going...wherever that was. I didn't know. He knew where the hospitals were if something happened to me._

_"Both my mom and Kate had blue eyes while Anna had brown. Our dad had brown. Has."_

_"Had?" I asked._

_"You know that Kate died," Jesse reminded me._

_"Right. You said Anna had...brown...eyes."_

_"Oh jeez."_

_He rounded a corner._

_"About a year before Kate died, Anna died."_

_"Oh. wow. I'm sorry."_

_He shrugged, his shoulders moving up and down as he gripped the black leather wheel, the same material my prostitution outfit had been made of._

_"Eh, it's ok," he told me._

_His eyes flicked back to the road in front of him._

_"Jesse," I said, inching forward, my arms on my thighs, my fingers together._

_I leaned forward._

_"You're not made of granite. It's ok to feel something...sometimes," I said._

_"Funny. Someone once told my mom the same thing. My aunt, actually. You want some free advice?" he asked me._

_"Well. no, Not really."_

_"I'm going to give it to you anyway; take your own advice."_

_We drove in silence for about an hour after that. The thing with being on a road trip was that if you're angry with someone, you can't go somewhere else._

_I hated to admit it but he was right. I'd numbed myself for so long with drugs and cuts and alcohol and promisciouty, that...I didn't know what feelings felt like anymore. I didn't know what life felt like. And whatever I did feel was pain, either physical or emotional. Anguish. Sometimes both._

_And if all you feel is pain you don't want to feel any more._

_You don't want to feel what you expect. You want to feel something different._

* * *

_Something ran through my fingers itching my emotions. I remembered the blood pooling across my thighs. I leaned down to the floor of the van, my long blonde hair falling across my face. I felt around on the dark floor, which was soft, untill I found my sketchbook and the pencil next to it. I brought myself up and positioned myself against the side of the van, my legs up, my drawing pad resting on my thighs. I turned to a clean page and started drawing, the pencil skimming across the page._

_Right before the trip Jesse had given me a sketchbook, one of his. It didn't have any drawings in it at the time. But now it did, some of mine._

_"Hey," he said._

_"Yeah?" I said, flicking my eyes upward._

_"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."_

_"The thing about advice?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"No, actually."_

_I set the pad to my right, swung my legs onto the floor and leand forward._

_"You're right," I continued; "I've numbed myself for so long, with ..."_

_"Drugs and alcohol," Jesse put in._

_"Yeah, that...I didn't know what feelings felt like. Any more. I didn't know what life felt like."_

_"I know."_

* * *

_"What do your parents do?" I asked, after awhile._

_"My dad's a firefighter."_

_"And your mom?"_

_"Is now back to being a lawyer."_

_"Back to?"_

_"Yeah. When Kate got sick, which was basically the time she was born, my mom stopped working to take care of her."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah but then Kate died and my mom..."_

_"Could go back to work again," I finished._

_"What do your parents do?"_

_"Hit me. Bruise me," I joked cynically._

_Jesse cracked a smile._

_"Um, actuallly my mom's also a lawyer. My dad works at a bookstore. Ever since his heart attack he's had to slow down some."_

_Jesse nodded; "mmhmm."_

_"And I'm not too sure what my stepfather does. Although, I don't really want to know."_

_"Right, of course."_

_Jesse glanced down at the odometer._

_"Shit," he whispered; "hey, I gotta stop and get gas. You want anything?"_

_"Um."_

_i was starting to feel a little dizzy._

_"Yeah. Maybe."_

_"Ok."_

_Within a few minutes we'd arrived at the nearest gas station._

* * *

_Jesse came back a few minutes later and opened the car door._

"_so I wasn't sure what you wanted so I got a sandwich, a brownie, tea, water and soda. And chocolate," he told me._

_My eyes lit up at the word 'chocolate'. I smiled._

"_oooh ill take that," I said._

"_I figured you would. Here knock yourself out," he said handing me the chocolate._

"_yeah I'm about headed that way."_

"_dizzy?"_

"_really? Um. Yeah."_

_Hed closed the door and was now leaning in front of and on me._

"_uh. What are you doing?" I asked not liking this._

"_relax im gonna put you back," he said._

"_that's not a phrase I ever wanna hear."_

_He straightened up sucked in his breath; "oh."_

"_will you get off me?"_

_He did._

"_sorry," I apologized, "didn't mean to be so. Demanding."_

"_yeah I mean. I get it. Kindof."_

_He resumed his seat._

"_do you wanna do it? I mean. put your seat back."_

"_yeah after im done eating."_

"_ok."_

* * *

_After we finished eating and put the seat back I lied down. I shivered._

"_cold?" jesse asked from his seat looking at me._

_I looked at him; "no really?"_

"_well some people just randomly shiver."_

"_oh. Ok. And yes I am cold."_

"_you want my coat?"_

_I nodded._

_He handed it to me being careful not to lean over me. He didn't want to repeat last time. I took it and put it over me._

"_thanks," I said._

"_sure," he said leaning forward and turning on the heat._

"_shit," he muttered._

"_what?" I asked._

"_we're out of gas and I don't know where the nearest gas station is."_

"_weren't we just at one?"_

"_yeah but it seems to have disappeared. Ill see if I can check on my phone."_

_He pulled it out but to no avail._

"_damnit and its dying."_

"_you can try mine," I said helpfully handing it over._

"_thanks."_

_He took it and looked at it._

"_ok apparently theres a lost connection right now for the internet. Ill try calling someone."_

_After a bit jesse said "I don't get reception. Damnit."_

"_yeah now what are we gonna do?"_

"_guess we just wait."_

* * *

_**Wednesday**_

_It was the next day, Thursday, and we were by the border._

_"We're going to have to leave the van here," Jesse told me._

_"Why?" I asked, confused._

_"Because, Karen, no one drives in the city unless you're a cabby."_

_"Which city?"_

_"New York. City."_

_I couldn't believe it._

_"How're we gettin there?" I asked._

_"Oh, we'll take a cab."_

_"With all my crap?"_

_"Yeah I got money. And so do you as I recall."_

_"Oh. Ok."_

_We parked the van, got out and Jesse called a cab company. He told the guy who answered the phone where we were._

_"It'll take about an hour to drive into the city."_

_"Ok."_

_"I got a friend we can stay with. Well, we can stay at his place as he won't be there. I met him in art school."_

_"Ok."_

_The cab came within the next hour. We loaded all my stuff into the trunk and backseat of the cab. We got into the cab and drove off._

* * *

_When we arrived in the city all I could see was snow covering large tall white buildings. Gray birds flew across the gray clouds in the colorless air. Even in the dead of winter there were people walking up and down the sidewalks._

_"Omygod," I said, taken aback by it all._

_"Ever been to the city?" Jesse asked._

_"Um, once, when I was little. I also lived in Chicago for a bit."_

_"Yeah, the city's a great place. There's so much to do. It's like downtown but...bigger."_

_I leaned forward and peered out the fog covered windows._

_"Wow," I said, looking up; "I don't want to miss a thing."_

_"That's what Aerosmith said," Jesse observed._

_The buildings were taller than any I'd ever seen before._

_Jesse leaned forward and gave the cabby directions._

_I saw more small birds in the sky._

_"Look, pigeons!" I pointed out._

_"Yeah," Jesse said._

_Pretty soon we pulled up in front of what I presumed was a large tenement building._

_"Omygod," i said, as Jesse opened my door for me._

_I got out and looked up at the tall white building._

_"Is this where we're staying?"_

_"Well, not the entire building. But yes. I feel I must warn you though that it's a walk up. He lives on the 4th floor."_

_I looked at Jesse; "4th floor? Are you serious?"_

_Then around at the black suitcases laid on their sides on the snow covered sidewalk._

_"We'll help you with your stuff," Jesse told me._

_"Oh ok."_

_Jesse and I paid, the cabby who waited. We rolled our suitcases as close to the building as we could. To our left was a wall of bars with big black plastic trash bags in it._

_Jesse went up the 2 large long gray cement steps and into the building. I followed._

_"People don't lock their doors?" I asked._

_"No, not their front ones it's too much of a hassle."_

_"Oh."_

_The floor was wooden. In front of us were gray wooden steps that narrowed to triangles on one side. To our left was a set of small silver mailboxes._

_"Hey Jess," a voice called down; "that you?"_

_"Yeah Mark it's me."_

_"Well c'mon up."_

_"Would you come down and help us with our stuff?"_

_"Ok. Us? You got a girl down there?"_

_"No she's...a friend."_

_"Oh. Be right down."_

_"You're disturbing the neighbors," I voiced my thoughts._

_"They don't speak English."_

_"Oh."_

_The smell of fish wafted down the stairs._

_After a few minutes we heard heavy footsteps come down the stairs. When the guy reached us I could see he was tall and had short dark hair._

_"Jesse, hey, good to see you," he said._

_They hugged in an awkward guy hug then stepped back._

_"I thought you were leaving," Jesse told the guy._

_"Yeah I actually do have to go. Um, the only food I have is soup, beans and pasta, so. Oh, and beer. And...oh, hi."_

_It was then that the guy noticed me._

_"Hi," I said quietly._

_"I'm Mark. I know Jesse from art school."_

_"Yeah, he mentioned he had a friend, from...art. school."_

_"At a loss for words there Karen?" Jesse asked me, smiling._

_"Um. What? Yeah hi I'm...Karen," I told Mark._

_"I figured, being that you're the only female here."_

_"Oh right so I am."_

_Mark turned and looked outside._

_"Oh. Your stuff," he said._

_He went out the door._

_"You like him," Jesse whispered._

_I smiled, pushing my lips into each other. Then smiled again and looked down shyly._

_Mark came back with 1 suitcase in each hand, snow dusted on each one and on him._

_"I'll get these 2," Mark said, brushing past me._

_He smelled of cologne._

_He disappeared up the stairs._

_"Scuse me," Jesse said, going past me._

_He went out the door._

* * *

**Thursday**

_It was the next day, Friday. Jesse and I were hanging out in Mark's place._

_He was in the bedroom drawing and I was in the living room, flipping through the channels on the tv._

_Outside, it wasn't snowing. Mark had left the previous day for the airport. He took the same cab we'd taken into the city. I had chosen to sleep in the bedroom where I knew I could lock the door if need be. That left Jesse the living room couch to sleep on._

_At the opposite end of the apartment from the bedroom was the small white bathroom. Then the kitchen with a stove. There was a microwave plugged in by the tv, which was resting on a trivet on a table. 4 wooden cabinets were above the stove. To the right side of the stove was the sink. The fridge was also in the kitchen. Across from the tv was a long rectangle coffee table with wrought iron legs and a glass tabletop. Behind the coffee table was a long white rectangular couch._

_The bedroom only had room for a large double bed covered with a large white down comforter, a desk and a chair in front of the desk. The front door had 4 locks._

_I turned to an I Love Lucy rerun. I was starting to get hungry and went up to get something from the cabinets, leaving the remote on the couch._

_"My sister loved that show," Jesse told me._

_"What?" I called back, my eyes skimming the open cabinet._

_"My sisters, actually. They loved."_

_"Oh, I Love Lucy?"_

_"Yeah."_

_There was a pause. My eyes skimmed the cabinets but nothing looked appetizing. There was a bunch of cans of Campbell's soup and beans, refried._

_In the bedroom, I heard a pencil drop onto a table._

_"Hey," Jesse said._

_"Hi," I said, turning around._

_He'd entered the living room._

_"Campbell's," Jesse said smiling._

_"What?" I asked._

_"My sister had an attorney by that name."_

_"First or last?"_

_"First."_

_"Oh."_

_"Um, actually, I was thinkin of goin to the store. I know of this great cupcake place we can go to later, if you want. We could order in, or have dinner here. Or, you know. Not. Whatever you want to do. There's a Broadway show tonight, if you want to go. You want anything at the store?" Jesse informed me._

_"Which show?" I asked._

_"West Side Story."_

_"Oh I love that musical!"_

_"You wanna go?"_

_"Yeah. And yes, I do want something at the store, since Mark doesn't appear to have much in the way of food."_

_"Ok."_

_I gave him my list._

_"I may be gone for a few hours, so call if you need," Jesse told me._

_"Ok."_

_He left, locking the door behind him._

_I closed the cabinet doors and plopped myself back down in front ofthe tv to resume watching the show._

* * *

After Jesse and I visited the city we went to Paris and London. So I missed half of my high school years. Adding to this was the fact that when Jesse and I'd gotten back from London my parents sent me to an institution for the rest of high school. It was awful. They sent me away bc they couldn't handle me and who I'd turned into. The drugs, the sex, cutting, the shoplifting, the eating disorder. And the using. The other reason they sent me away was bc they didn't like that Jesse and I'd up and left without telling them. They thought the institution knew how to better handle me.

* * *

This all meant I got a late start on college. Even though I didn't have a high school degree I still managed to somehow graduate college.

During all this Pamela kept everyone amused by spreading a rumour she and I'd agreed upon, that I was pregnant. Neither of us really wanted everyone to know what had actually gone on during those years. We didn't want people to know because being institutionalized wouldn't look good on my already tarnished reputation. We decided pregnancy was a better alternative. More young women in high school got pregnant than were institutionalized from my experience.

And, some of the time I was. Actually pregnant.

* * *

_I was 26. Jesse and I were driving up to his moms in rhode island. Well. He was driving. Evan and the twins were in the backseat. Outside it was snowing._

"_oooh lookit all the snow!" Amanda said._

"_yeah its great," evan said annoyed._

"_I wanna sit in the middle!" Louisa said._

"_no I do!" Amanda said._

"_why does evan get to?"_

"_because im the oldest that's why."_

"_youre not the old oldest. that's mom and dad."_

"_she just called us old," jesse said smiling._

_I inhaled; "yeah. Just wait till she gets to be our age."_

"_id rather not ill be. Well then well really be old."_

"_we get to see grandma!" Amanda cried._

"_and grandpa!" Louisa said._

"_no because grandpas dead," evan said._

"_evan!" I said._

"_shes gonna find out any way mom."_

"_what does 'dead' mean?" Louisa said._

"_its. Well talk about it later."_

"_oh. But I wanna know now."_

"_no."_

"_and I wanna sit in the middle," Amanda said._

"_do you want me to sit back there?" I asked annoyed._

_They stopped talking._

_I was nervous about seeing sara again._

"_karen. you've met my mom before," evan pointed out._

"_yeah but we didn't have kids then," I said, "I havent seen her since before we left for new york. And that was briefly. So its been a few years."_

* * *

While in Florida, Jesse, myself and our children visited Disneyworld with our children. at age 2 Kate had been diagnosed w/ leukemia. After I was done w/ college we moved to Denver, Colorado where we now lived.

I was in the institution in what were my college years. At age 23 I'd gone back to college.

My children were Evan, Ashley, Alexa, Lily, Rose, Hannah, Marie, Louisa, Amanda, Kate and Anna. Evan was the oldest and Anna was the youngest. Ashley was 17, Alexa, Lily, Rose and Hannah were 16; Marie, Louisa and Amanda were 14; Kate was 13 and Anna was 10. Louisa and Amanda were twins. We'd adopted everyone but Evan, Louisa, Amanda, Kate and Anna. When I was in my 20's I'd been pregnant w/ Evan. Then the twins. Closer to my 30's Kate came along. And 10 years ago Anna. We'd adopted Alexa and Hannah from Boston, Rose from England, Marie from Paris and Ashley from New York. We really didn't know much about where Lily had come from.

* * *

_It was early October. Jesse and I were in Paris, wandering around trying to find the nearest subway station so we could take the subway to Luxemberg Garden. We'd asked several people, none of whom had been very helpful._

_We approached a thin black door._

_Jesse raised his closed fist and knocked on the door._

_We heard a woman inside say something in French._

_"Mom, there's someone at the door," a little girl's voice called._

_Heels clicked across a wooden floor. The brass knob in the center of the door turned. The door opened slightly. A woman's pale face appeared._

_"Yes, is there something I can help you with?" she asked in a French accent._

_"Um, yes, do you happen to know where the nearest subway station is?" Jesse asked._

_"Where are you trying to get to?"_

_"Luxemberg Garden."_

_"Oh, it's lovely. No, I don't, actually."_

_"Oh. Thank you."_

_Jesse and I started to walk down the large hill the sidewalk was on._

_"Wait!" the woman called after us._

_We turned back around._

_"Yeah?" I called._

_"Would you like some tea? Or perhaps something from my sister's patisseraie? Or maybe some chocolate?" She asked._

_"Yeah, we are pretty hungry," Jesse said, climbing back up the hill._

_"Well please, come in," the woman said to us when we reached the door._

_She opened it and we followed her into her small unlit apartment._

_"I'm Michelle and this is my daughter Marie," she introduced._

* * *

_Luxemburg gardens_

_It was the next day. Jesse and I were sitting on the grass in Luxemburg gardens in paris. He was drawing. It was quiet. Around us were trees, bushes and flowers._

"_wow," I said a bit taken aback and wistful._

"_yeah I know," he said getting it._

"_its so. Um. Quiet."_

_I looked off into the distance._

"_what is it?" jesse asked._

"_what?"_

"_youre, quiet. And subdued."_

_Oh. Right. He usually knew when something was wrong._

"_its just. Quiet."_

"_yes you've said that," he smiled quietly._

"_no I mean its just. Its really weird. And so pretty here. And, I miss pam."_

"_that's the one thing missing isn't it," he said looking at me._

"_yeah. It is."_

"_you 2 are really close."_

"_yeah. We are."_

"_does she know why you left?"_

"_I think so. Maybe."_

* * *

_That night I was working in the Moulin rouge in paris. I was doing acrobatics onstage. Tomorrow id be dancing and the night after id be serving drinks. Onstage I put m hands behind me going into a handstand. While my legs were up in the air a woman in the air landed on them and then wound her arms and legs through and around them. I came down and we did a sortof waltz. Whenever women danced together it was always a big money maker._

* * *

_I was 17._

_I was 17. Jesse and I were sitting side by side on a uncomfortable black metal bench in Hyde Park. We were in London, bundled up in warm clothing, as it was cold. We were each drinking a cup of hot chocolate. The sky was gray._

_A woman not much older than us, with long red hair spilling out of the black velvet hood of her long black velvet cape, walked towards us. She was holding a baby wrapped in a small black velvet cape._

_"Hello," the woman said, in a quiet English accent._

_We were used to random people saying 'hi' to us. We'd discovered that London was a very friendly city._

_"Hey," Jesse said._

_"Hi," I said._

_"Mind if I sit?" she asked, indicating the bench._

_"No, not at all."_

_Jesse and I split apart to make room for the woman, who sat between us. With 3 people on the bench it was crowded._

_"Ohhh she's darling," I said looking at the baby, who was asleep._

_"Thank you. This is Rose. I'm Emerald," the woman replied._

_"Rose?" Jesse questioned._

_"Yes. You know, like the flower?"_

_"Mmm. And Emerald is for...?"_

_"Ireland. My grandmother's from Ireland."_

_"Would you like some hot chocolate?" I asked, noticing she didn't have any._

_I handed her mine and she smiled warmly._

_"Thank you love."_

_It was then that I noticed her amethyst earrings._

_"Those are beautiful earrings," I told her._

_"Thank you. They're my grandmother's."_

_Rose yawned sleepily._

_"If anything ever happens to Rose will you take care of her?" the woman asked._

_"But...we don't even know you," I pointed out._

_"I know. But the stars led me here."_

_"My dad says that," Jesse said._

_And with that, the woman smiled mysteriously and vanished._

* * *

_London_

_It was later that day. Jesse and I were in our flat sitting on the couch drinking hot chocolate. Again. The heat was on. It was quiet. Outside it was cold._

"_so that was weird," he said._

"_yeah I know," I replied._

"_it was nice of you to give her your drink."_

"_well, the woman was cold and obviously a young mother. Its not like I was exactly going to be rude to her. I mean we are in London."_

"_people are really polite here."_

"_yeah its weird. Bc people arent nice in the states. Er. That is," I faltered._

_Jesse smiled; "no I get it."_

"_ok."_

"_but people don't just randomly ask you to take care of their children if they don't know you. Not if theyre not somehow related or a close friend."_

"_yeah that was weird."_

"_I wonder why she chose us."_

"_she said the stars led her."_

"_besides that I mean."_

"_oh."_

* * *

_When I got back that night there was a car parked outside my house. It was dark so I could barely make it out. Its driver honked the horn._

"_what?" I asked._

_My phone buzzed w/ a text. I opened read it; turn around bright eyes._

_And I did._

"_hey you come over here. I got something planned for you tonight," the driver said._

"_yeah I don't know you," I said._

"_its pam," she replied._

"_oh."_

_I turned to jesse; "will you go in and tell my parents?….uh, something?"_

"_yeah sure I got it covered. And itll give me a chance to meet them. Not that I really want to," he muttered._

"_no I get."_

"_ok. You ladies have fun."_

"_thanks. We will."_

_I went over to the car w/ all my luggage._

"_oh good youre already packed," pam said as I loaded my luggage into the backseat._

"_yeah well. We literally just got back," I replied._

"_now get in. we're goin away."_

_Since my luggage was already loaded I closed and locked the back door then opened the front one and got in. I put my seatbelt on and closed and locked the door._

"_so whats going on?" I asked looking at pam; "where we goin?"_

"_somewhere that's not here. you'll find out when we get there."_

"_um wow ok. God do I have a lot to tell you."_

_She started driving._


	59. Chapter 1355555

_This chapter was inspired by Fallout2012's 'Well There's No Going Back Now'. Thanks for the inspiration. __J_

_Karen_

_No one knew about my 6 other daughters. Well other than my parents interestingly enough and they didn't take it well. No of course not. One alice had been a product of sex abuse by Andrew. Aurora talia rose had been one of sex abuse from when I was whoring in the states. Id had an abortion w/ alice and had miscarried aurora. Olivia was still out there somewhere id put her up for adoption. And id left October out there somewhere. Olivia and October would be about 22 by now. Id had emma in paris shed be 12 by now. Same w/ christina who id had in England. Id also lost 2 of them one to alcoholism and one to anorexia. The only remaining ones last I knew were Olivia, October, emma ad christina._

_If I hadn't had an abortion alice would be 29 as would aurora. _

_I remembered when I discovered I was pregnant w/ alice. I was 13 and scared. I hadn't yet started whoring myself and didn't have any other job. The only person id told was my brother david. I didn't know if I wanted to keep it or not. I had this life growing in me for the first time ever. I wasn't currently involved w/ anyone and didn't have a good support system other than david. I didn't know that I was ready to be a mom and I was pretty sure Andrew wouldn't take responsibility. _

_It was almost Christmas time but this year for the holidays my family was getting the news that I was pregnant. _

_It occurred to me that day that my parents didn't need to know. But sooner or later theyd know since it would be obvious. Maybe if david and I went somewhere theyd never know. That would work. Actually id have to tell 2 sets of parents since mine were divorced and had remarried. My dad had married my step mom elizabeth and my mom had married my step dad._

"_karen?" david asked looking at me._

_We were at a park by our place._

"_I don't want to tell them," I said._

"_I know you don't want to but you need to."_

_It was cold out._

_I threw up my hands and looked at him: "why? Why do I need to tell them why do they need to know?"_

"_so they can help you."_

"_so they can help me! Where the hell have you been all this time they havent been?!"_

"_ive been here. Ill talk to them after we tell them. Ok? And then relay that to you."_

"_ok," I said softly._

_I wasn't ready to go. It would make it so much more real._

_We stood and started walking. The closer we got the more I wanted to leave. _

_When we got there my sisters Emily and grace were there. They were too young to really understand what was happening. The parents were talking in the living room._

_We walked into the living room slowly and apprehensively I was ahead of david. The parents looked up when we came into the living room._

"_yes?" elizabeth asked._

"_um. We have something to tell you," I said._

"_go ahead," david said._

_We sat next to each other on the sofa._

"_um. Well theres no sense letting this go on any longer. Im pregnant."_

_Mom blinked: "um. Youre what."_

"_pregnant."_

_She stood: "what the hell? Youre not even with anyone and you don't currently have a job! Whos the dad?"_

"_uh. Andrew."_

"_he is not youre making this up."_

"_no believe me I wish I was."_

"_shes not," david said._

"_youre going to have an abortion," mom said deciding for me._

"_what?!"_


	60. Karen

Hannah, Nancy and id all been best friends growing up. Actually all of us had known each other our whole lives; Hannah, Nancy, Amanda, natalyia, bobby, Pam, Leslie and I. max, Lauren, Christy, Lila, Anna and id all met in high school. The summer between my last year of middle school and my first year of high school id taken off to California. I guess this really upset Hannah and Nancy and I could see why. I hadn't let them know where I was going. Actually the only person id let know was Pam. Wed gotten closer that year whereas Hannah, Nancy and id drifted apart. I was changing. Hannah, Nancy and id never had a chance to talk over what'd happened which is what I meant when id told everyone that wed never gotten it cleared up. Over the years id wanted to contact them but I didn't have their current contact info. That and I felt awkward about contacting them. Evidently Pam had and natalyia saw them whenever she was on tour though I'm not sure where exactly she saw them. I guess Hannah and Nancy had gotten together at some point. Yes I was jealous of natalyias seeing them.

Margo was a friend of mine growing up. Shed been anorexic not sure if she still was. She came from a family of 8. Her daughter and mine were friends. I wonder why Margo fell.

Leslie was more pams friend than mine. they'd drifted apart as well after Pam and I got together. Evidently they'd not been in contact since just like Hannah, Nancy and I hadn't.


	61. Chapter 12

_**Evan**_

_I was 8._

_Mandy and Louisa were 4. Kate was 3._

_A neighbor had picked us up from school. We were now sitting at the small round kitchen table with Mom and Dad._

_"Kate's sick," Mom told us._

_"With what?" I asked._

_"Leukemia," Dad answered._

_None of us knew what that meant._

_"It means that her body doesn't work the way it's supposed to. We have to take stuff from Anna's body and put it into Kate's. That's what the doctors have been doing," Dad explained._

_"Is Katie ok?" Amanda asked._

_"Well honey, that's the thing, is we don't know," Mom answered._

_"We might not be here as much," Dad told us; "because we'll be at the hospital with Kate."_

_"Will she die?" Louisa asked._

_Neither of our parents said anything. They looked at each other, holding a conversation with their eyes._

_"Mom!" I yelled, commanding._

_They snapped back to attention._

_-XXXX-_

_It was 3 years ago. I was 15._

_The twins were 11, Kate was 10 and Anna was 7._

_It was night. I'd just pulled my black jeep into our driveway. From inside the house I heard Mom and Dad arguing._

_"No, I'm not going to tell her, Jesse!" Mom shouted._

_"Why not Karen? She deserves to know!"_

_"She'll hate you even more if you don't tell her."_

_I opened the door and got out, coming inside the house._

_"She's going to find out eventually," I muttered, walking into the living room and flopping down on the white couch my parents were standing in front of._

_My parents turned and looked at me._

_"Who?" Mom asked._

_"What did you say?" Dad questioned._

_"She's. Going. To. Find. Out. Eventually," I repeated very slowly._

_"Who?" Mom repeated._

_"Kate. You might as well tell her now."_

_"But-" Mom started to protest._

_I stood up._

_"Why the hell won't you tell her?" I shouted; "you think she doesn't wander why she gets sick every time she gets sick? Every time she bleeds? Every time I, not you wake up in the middle of the night to help her? The kid's a lot smarter than you give her credit for. A lot smarter."_


	62. Chapter 1399

I'd grown up in Connecticut and that's where my family was from. After high school I really hadn't seen my brother Andrew much. And hadn't wanted to after what he'd put me through. I didn't talk to my parents much and when I had it was always tense. My brother David and I still talked but I didn't talk to my sister Kristy. I heard from my sister Emily occasionally. Last I heard my brother Charlie was a drinker. And Sam had married Kristy's friend Stacey.

About 2 weeks ago I'd been invited by Pam, or Pamela as she'd once been known, via email to a nice hotel for our 25th high school reunion. I hadn't seen her or anyone else since high school so I was surprised when I got the email. It would be good to catch up w/ everyone but also nerve-wracking as it always is when you're seeing someone you haven't seen in awhile. I wondered what they'd think of me. As wed left it my friends Hannah, Nancy and I'd ended things on a bad note. The summer before high school started id taken off and gone to California. I stayed w/ Kristy's other friend dawn and her friends. It had been nice. Dawn and id had relations. Pam still didn't know about that. Jesse was the only one I'd constantly seen since high school, being that we lived together.

* * *

**-*Sunday Night**, **7 p.m.*-**

That night - Sunday, 7 - Jesse and I were driving in my dark car to a nice hotel for our 25th high school reunion. Our daughters were at home.

I was wearing a purple suit and my long blonde hair was up. He was wearing black, of course. Of course because he often did.

We arrived at the darkly lit parking lot. Jesse pulled into a parking space. We got out and went into the big hotel, making our way into the large dining room which was on the first floor. i looked around and noticed there were several small round tables in the dark carpeted room. There were chairs circling the tables. the walls and ceiling were white. People were standing in groups holding drinks and talking. The AC was on making the room cold. I was nervous and excited.

"Hey Karen," a tall thin man with a name tag reading 'Robert', said, approaching Jesse and i.

He smelled good, like chocolate. Something warm. He had short dark brown hair and brown eyes. He had light skin. He'd approached me quietly.

He was wearing black pants and a white button shirt under a brown cordury blazer. He had black rimmed Buddy Holly glasses on. He was holding a red plastic cup of punch which smelled like fruit. He was Jesse's height, 5'6. I was 5'4.

Jesse was tall and thin but not as thin as the man who was thinner.

"Um, hi."

I then noticed his last name.

"Omygod Bobby! Hi," I returned.

"Actually it's Robert now," he corrected me.

"Oh."

"Yeah. how are you?" he asked.

"Hey I'm going to go get some punch. You want some?" Jesse asked.

"Ok," I said.

He left.

"Ok. It's nice to be away from my daughters. How are you?" I asked.

It was nice to be away from my daughters because it didn't happen often.

"Alrite. How many daughters do you have?"

"9."

"9, wow. All in Denver?"

He was surprised.

I nodded.

"Yeah, what about you?"

"I have 4, 2 sons and 2 daughters."

"Wow. Married?"

"Well. No. I haven't found the right...um..."

"Woman?" I asked.

He looked down into his red punch cup, pausing. He wasn't sure how id take whatever it was he was about to tell me.

"Um, no. Guy, actually."

"Wow, so you're…?…"

He nodded; "that's right I'm gay."

Now that I knew this it became clear that looking down into the cup indicated embarassment. As in, he looked into the cup bc he was embarrassed. Either that or he wasn't sure how I'd take it. Or both.

"How long have you known?"

"Well, really, ever since I was little."

"Is that why you were mean?"

I was referring to elementary school when he'd been mean to me. We'd known each other ever since.

"Yeah."

"But. you liked me..." I recalled, confused.

"At the time, yes. I was very confused."

"Are you glad you came out? How'd your parents take it?"

I was asking out of curiosity and bc I cared. This was the first bit of news I'd heard from him in years.

"Yes and no. They died."

"Oh how long ago?" I asked.

"Right after I told them. In a car accident," he told me.

"Oh."

"Yeah when we were little I was mean to you because I wasn't comfortable knowing I was gay."

I nodded.

I got that. Sometimes, in order to deal with their own self esteem issues, people were mean to others. Several of my patients, for instance.

I wondered what he meant by 'yes and no'.

As Bobby and I talked, I spotted 3 women talking with each other a few feet away from us. One of them had her long curly light brown hair spilling down her back over a beautiful light pink dress. The dress had thin strips the skirt of it reached past her knees. The bodice had a scoop neck. She was wearing white ballet flats. The 2nd woman had thick wavy dark brown hair spilling into the plunging silver sequined neckline of her long black dress. She was wearing black heels. The 3rd had dyed black hair cut into a bob with black bangs. She was wearing a long sleeve v neck sweater over a dark purple mini skirt. On her feet and going up her legs was a pair of long black stiletto boots. The women were my height all thin. The 2nd woman was 5'6. Around us people were talking. The 1st had light skin the 2nd tan.

"So what do you do?" Bobby asked me.

"I'm a psychologist."

"Wow."

"I'm a psychologist."

"Wow."

Again he was surprised.

"Yes. And you?"

"I work at a bookstore."

"How long?" I asked.

"Few years you?"

"Same."

We made our way over to the group of women.

"Hey gorgeous," the one in the black dress said.

She had long dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. She smiled.

"Hey...Pamela?" I asked unsure.

"That's right," she replied.

"Wow you look stunning."

"Thank you, so do you. But something's not right," she said.

"Oh?" I asked raising a recently plucked eyebrow.

"Yeah. C'mere."

She pulled me closer to her and dipped me with one hand behind my back. With the other she undid my hair letting it spill free from its updo. We kissed. She smelled like flowers and strength. Her skin was warm.

"Well," the woman with the bob said, "you 2 certainly know how to make a spectacle."

She had black hair w/ straight bangs and purple eyes.

"You think I've forgotten her?" Pamela asked.

She turned to me; "how could I forget you?"

She laughed, low.

Back in high school we realised we liked each other and became a couple. This was what she'd been referring to.

It was nice to see Pam again after all these years. I hadn't realised just how much I'd missed her. My parents hadn't let us see each other after I'd gotten back from Europe. Jesse had been over at my house several times, defending me from my stepdad. We moved across the country in order to get away from my parents.

Pam and I stood.

"How've you been?" I asked.

"Busy. You?"

"Same. I'm a psychologist."

"Not surprisingly, as am I. I also work in fashion. You have kids?"

"Quite a few, you?"

"No," she answered.

"Oh."

I turned back to the group. Bobby had wandered off somewhere.

"Natalie right?" I asked the blonde in the pink dress who smelled like flowers.

She had blue eyes.

"Natalya and yes. How'd you know?" she asked.

"The flats."

I indicated her shoes.

In high school she'd taken to wearing flats which is how I knew it was her.

"Oh, of course. My current home is Russia. I changed my name there," she told me.

"Dancer?" I guessed.

"Yes. And you?"

"I'm a psychologist."

"Wow."

She was surprised.

"It pays the bills."

"I'm not at all surprised given your past," Pamela told me.

Because we'd become close over the years Pamela knew about all I'd been through. The drugs, cutting, using, sex and other stuff.

The brunette in the mini skirt eyed me. In her right hand she was holding a martini.

"Hey chick," she said.

"Hi Amanda. been awhile."

"It sure has. How've you been?"

"Ok busy. I'm a psychologist."

"Oh," she replied: "yeah I teach pole dancing downtown."

"You have kids?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah. My daughter Ashley works at a strip club downtown."

"Yeah I think I know her."

At which point Jesse and Bobby joined us holding cups of punch.

I knew bobby, natalyia and Amanda from high school.

* * *

_It was later that night and I'd just stepped out the back door of Brian's house. Inside, loud music was playing and people were talking, laughing, making out and drinking. As usual, Brian's parents were out of town, tina was at a friend's and linda was on a date._

_It was a cold night. I had Tom's long dark coat draped around my shoulders._

_"Hey," I heard a female voice say._

_I smelled smoke._

_"Hi," I said._

_In the dark I could make out the dim outline of a girl my height._

_"Want a smoke?" she asked._

_"Um I don't...yeah, sure, why the hell not? I'm goin downhill anyway."_

_She tossed something to me. I bent down and something light and cardboard fell into my upturned hands._

_"They're cigs," she told me._

_"Oh."_

_"Here's the light."_

_I caught something smaller, metal, cold and lighter._

_"Great catch."_

_"Thanks. um how do you...?" I asked, confused, as I'd never smoked before._

_"Cmon over to the porch and I'll show ya."_

_"Ok."_

_I walked over to a large porch swing in the middle of the yard. I sat down on it next to the girl._

_"Here, give me the cigs," she told me._

_I handed her the box._

_"And the light."_

_I gave that to her._

_"Hold this," she said, taking the cigerette she'd been smoking out of her mouth._

_I took it from her and put it between my thumb and all my fingers._

_"No honey. Between your fingers."_

_"Oh."_

_"Never done this before have you?"_

_"Um, no."_

_She shook the box against her palm._

_"Yeah, figures. Great coat by the way."_

_"Thanks. It's actually..."_

_"Tom's. Yeah, I know. He's in a few of my classes. He's nice."_

_"Oh," was all I said._

_"Jeez," she said, looking down at my arms._

_"What?" I asked, flicking my eyes up to her._

_"What's with all the blood? Get into a fight with a rosebush did ya?"_

_"Um. The blood?"_

_"Your arms honey. The cuts?"_

_"Oh."_

_"Yeah, not what you're thinkin. Although...you've been hurt. Haven't you."_

_It was, again, a statement not a question._

_"Um well...why?"_

_"I just know."_

_"Oh."_

_"Hung out with this chick Druscilla a few years back. You know her?"_

_I nodded; "yeah, actually."_

_"Dinno what happened to her. She split. Dinno where she is now."_

_"Oh."_

_"And Alice."_

_"Alice...Cullen?"_

_"Yeah that's the one."_

Little did I know that the girl id met was Amanda.


	63. Chapter 135

**Karen**

_Evan was 9 and the twins were 6. Jesse and I were 26. We'd just sat down to dinner._

_"Hey mom," Evan asked._

_I looked at him: "yes?"_

_"I've been thinking about something lately."_

_"Oh?"_

_"Yeah how come we never see you and dad kiss?"_

_"Well um…." I began, surprised._

_"Or hold hands," Amanda asked._

_"Or do other things people your age do," Louisa said._

_"Um."_

_"C'mon Karen we knew they'd ask one of these days," Jesse pointed out looking at me._

_"You're right."_

_I turned back to my children._

_"Well," I said again, "some girls like girls. And some like boys. And some girls like boys."_

_"And some boys like girls," Jesse added._

_I looked at him: "that's right. And then there are some who like both."_

_"Boys like boys? Ewww!" the twins chorused looking at each other._

_Jesse and I looked at each other and laughed._

_"What?" Evan asked._

_"You'll understand when you're older," I told him._


	64. Chapter 1400

**-*9 p.m.*-**

After the reunion Bobby, Pam, Natalyia, Amanda, Jesse and I had gone out to dinner at a big nice Italian place. It was nice to be away from my family for a few hours. Something was bothering me. I was almost afraid to sit down, for fear Evan would call and we'd have to rush Kate to the hospital.

"Karen," Jesse said, "if Kate needs to go to the hospital Evan can driver her. You're allowed to have one night to yourself."

We sat down in a round red leather cold booth in the back and ordered our drinks. The AC was on making the crowded place cold.

i squished in between Jesse and Pam, Jesse on the end. After Pam was Bobby, Amanda and Natalyia.

"Evan?" Pam asked at the same time Bobby asked "Kate?".

"Oh, my children," I explained.

"Evan's the oldest, at 18. Kate's 13. She has leukemia," Jesse explained.

"Oh. I'm sorry," Amanda said.

"Thank you."

"So you're married then?" Natalyia asked.

"No, because as Pam here knows," I began.

"She doesn't swing that way," Pam filled in.

"It was IVF," Jesse explained, about the pregnancy.

"Oh."

"What have you been doing all this time?" I asked Pam.

"Oh I'm a therapist."

"Really? So'm I, a psychologist. Got kids?"

"No."

Amanda smelled like smoke.

"You still smoke?" I asked her.

"Yeah. I teach pole dancing downtown."

"Oh. Has anyone heard from Hannah or Nancy?"

"Oh, Hannah's living in Greece and Nancy's touring with a London acting company," Natalyia informed us.

Id known Hannah and nancy since elementary school.

"so they decided not to come?" I asked

"no no. they, decided not to. They didn't really wanna see. Any of us," pam said being polite.

"by which you mean me."

"karen you really hurt them."

"yeah. We never got that cleared up. And they blamed me for. Everything that went on then."

"honey im sorry. Just what were they supposed to do?"

"oh. Ok."

"are they uh still together?" bobby asked.

"yes. I visit them frequently when im on tour," natalyia answered.

"of course ya do," I said.

"are you jealous of me? You have a great job too katen. don't make it worse."

I sighed; "I just. I just miss them."

"well that's your issue to take care of. Not mine. If you miss them….send them an email or something."

"I wasn't asking."

"well someones changed."

"so whats everyone up to these days?" jesse asked changing the subject.

"well. I work at a bookstore," bobby said.

"im in fashion. And psychology," pam said.

"I am a dancer. Which is why im never in the states," natalyia said.

"and im also a psychologist," I said.

"and I teach pole dancing. And you?" Amanda asked jesse.

"an artist. A, self proclaimed artist though I havent felt inspired in weeks," he replied.

"has anyone heard from margo? Or any of them?"

"shes also on tour but fell recently so has been hospitalized," natalyia answered.

"oh."

"yeah I think her daughter might know my daughter," I said.

Amanda looked at me; "pansy and Louisa? Yeah. Id like to meet her."

"I have, several."

"oh then id like to meet them."

"hows later tonight for you?"

"good."

"so, what did everyone do after high school?" jesse asked.

"howre max, lauren and christy?" I asked.

"they said theyd be on their way but I don't know when theyre coming or when they'll be here," Amanda answered.

"oh. Hows leslie?" I asked pam.

"I. havent heard from her."

"Oh."

"yeah after you and I got together she and I had a big fight. And ended things there."

"mmm sounds like me and nancy and Hannah."

"yeah I know."

"what about lila and anna?"

"theyre, together. But um. Annas in the hospital."

The table fell silent.

"omygod why?"

"what happened?"

"is she ok?"

"it was another relapse," Amanda answered.

"wow I guess she still hasn't fully recovered," I said.

"that's so sad," jesse said, and swallowed.

I looked at him. I knew he was thinking of all the times our own daughter Amanda had relapsed.


	65. Chapter 138

_Jesse_

_One day while living in Florida..._

_Karen, the twins, Anna, Kate, Evan and I were living in a large 2 bedroom in Ft Lauderdale, Florida. Karen and I were in college. Evan was 11, the twins were 7, Kate was 6 and Anna was 3. It was rather crowded. We'd divided the bigger bedroom into 2 rooms; she slept in one and I slept in the other. Evan slept on the couch and the twins and Kate slept in the other bedroom. Anna slept in our room._

_One day when the girls were at school and Kate and Anna were in the hospital Karen was eating lunch. I'd just gotten done with my morning classes and had returned to the apartment._

_"You know what I think we should do?" I asked, coming into the living room entering the living room from outside._

_Karen looked up from her lunch: "hmm?"_

_"We should take a trip."_

_"Um," she swallowed, "to where?"_

_"DisneyWorld."_

_She sighed; "We can't, what if Kate gets sick?"_

_"It's always about Kate," Evan muttered from his spot on the couch._

_I turned from the table that was at the other end of the living room where Karen was sitting and looked at Evan; "why aren't you in school?"_

_"Didn't feel like going."_

_"Oh." I turned back to Karen; "I'll get the names of the nearest hospitals and doctors, if that happens."_


	66. Chapter 10444444444455555555

_Karen_

_That day after school and cheerleading instead of going to ballet I headed downtown. I went to the bookstore but found nothing I particularly wanted to buy after looking around for 20 minutes. So then I went and saw a movie I wasn't all that interested in. it was now 7:20 and would be dark in an hour. Something told me I should be getting home but something else told me my parents wouldn't really care if I went home. So I stayed. Id spent the money id taken from my moms purse early that morning. Well. Not all of it. I had some extra in my snow boots and bra for cab money or something else of that nature. Id spent $20 at the movies. While at the movies a woman had gone to the restroom and left her purse in her seat, id quietly walked down to her row slipped in and gotten some money from her purse closing it. Then I went back up to the row id been sitting in and finished the movie. After I went and had dinner spending that money. At dinner I went to the restroom and offered to hold a girls purse while she was in a stall. She thought I was just being nice. But what she didn't know was that during thaat time I took some money out of her purse. Since I didn't have a purse it meant no one could take money out of it. Right when the girl was about to leave she thanked me. I told her 'youre welcome' and if she ever needed anything and saw me again to let me know._

_After all this I went to the other bookstore and got some books for myself. Then on to the music store. And the clothing store where I did the same._


	67. Chapter 25

_**Karen**_

_**Tuesday**_

_It was the next morning. I'd arrived at school. People were milling about in the hallway before class started._

_Nancy grabbed me._

_"Huh?" I asked, turning around._

_"Why didn't you call me?" she hissed._

_"Huh when?" I asked._

_"Yesterday. And where'd you get that coat?"_

_"Yesterday. The mall. And I was busy. I forgot."_

_"Oh, were you?" she asked, disbelieving._

_"Yes. I was."_

_"Are you doing anything later today, after school?"_

_"Yes, I probably am, actually."_

_"Oh, well fine then so am I."_

_Nancy turned and flounced off._

_"Karen!" I heard a voice call._

_I whirled around and saw Pamela, Leslie, Lauren, Christy and Max heading down the hall towards me._

_"Hey," Pamela said when they'd reached me._

_"Oh hey," I said._

_"What's wrong?" Leslie asked._

_"And what," Lauren said; "was that all about?"_

_"Oh, nothing really except that a; my mom made me button up my coat this morning before I left. And b; Nancy wanted to know where I was yesterday."_

_"So what'd you tell her?" Christy asked._

_"And girrrl," Max said; "what is up with those shoes? It's not snowing."_

_"Yeah thanks I know that. I'll tell you in a minute."_

_"Oh."_

_We walked down the hallway._

_"To answer your question Christy," I said._

_"Yeah?" she asked, looking at me._

_"She, being Nancy, wanted to know why I didn't call her yesterday like I was sposed to. I told her I was busy."_

_"Course you were you were with us," Pamela said._

_"Yeah exactly. And she also wanted to know where I got this coat. I told her yesterday. At the mall."_

_"Oh."_

_We'd reached our metal lockers._

_"And to answer your question," I said, looking at Max; "these were the only I could find that went with this outfit."_

_"You need some new boots sweethart."_

_"Yes, thank you," I replied, smiling._

_"Which is why," Lauren said, pulling a large brown bag out of the bottom of her locker; "we got you these."_

_Out of the bag she pulled a pair of thigh high black leather stiletto boots._

_"My god how high are those heels?" I asked._

_"4 inches," Pamela said._

_"Jeez those are big. Thank you, by the way."_

_"Uh huh."_

_"Well, try them on," Leslie said._

_"Ok."_

_I sat down on the floor, unzipping my snow boots and putting on the new ones._

_"Oooh great skirt," Lauren commented._

_"Thanks I got it last night."_

_"We know."_

_They laughed._

_I stood up in the boots, wobbling a little._

_"Wow these are like ...wow. I don't really know what to think of them."_

_"Wow you're a little tipsy and you're not even drunk yet," Christy laughed._

_I smiled._

_"Oh don't worry you'll get used to them," Max told me; "you're gonna have to if you're gonna be a stripper."_

_I looked at her, surprised._

_"Um exscuse me? Stripper?" I asked, my eyes wide._

_"Ya huh. My friend Melissa just came into town from Vegas. She plays blackjack. She'll show you the ropes."_

_"She also happens to be my older sister," Christy told me._

_"Oh. Um when?" I asked._

_"Today. Well tonight, rather," Pamela said._

_"We've already set up an appointment for you," Leslie said._

_"Christy, Max and I will come with. We have to, anyway. We work there," Lauren said._

_"Where?" I asked._

_"Downtown at the casino."_

_"Guess I'll be in late tonight then."_

_"Oh you'll have a lot of nights like that."_

_"Oh."_

_"And after school we're going to my place," Christy said._

_"Oh."_

_"By bus, of course," Max told me._

_"Of course," I repeated._

_"And then the mall," Pamela said._

_"Wow we're busy," I remarked._

_"Yeah well."_

_"And you have the body for it," Leslie told me._

_"I I do?" I said._

_"Yes my god you're gorgeous," Lauren told me._

_"Thank you."_

_"Uh huh."_

_"With your long blonde hair and piercing blue eyes…..good thing you got contacts," Christy told me._

_"The men are gonna love you and the women prolly will too," Max told me._

_The warning bell rang. We put the snow boots in Lauren's locker and went to class._


	68. Chapter 1366666666

_It was after school and Pamela, Leslie, Lauren, Max, Christy and I were at Christy's house, in her room. Christy and I had a few hours before work. Melissa was already at the club._

_"Long day," I said._

_"Yeah," Pamela put in._

_"It was," Leslie said._

_"Everyone ready for the party tonight?" Lauren asked._

_She and Christy were at the mirror putting on mascara._

_"Yeah," Christy answered._

_"How's your sister?" I asked max._

_"Quite busy. There's more of a demand for her."_

_"Why?"_

_"Not sure."_

_"You, Hannah and Nancy used to be best friends," Pamela told me._

_"Yeah. I know."_

_"So what happened?" Leslie wanted to know._

_"I left. After..."_

_Pamela nodded._

_"They didn't like that. I told them I was leaving but didn't tell them why. I couldn't tell anyone."_

_"Mmhmm."_

_"We had a big fight."_

_"Oh."_

_"I haven't seen Amanda lately," Leslie said._

_"Yeah, me either," Pamela said._

_"Who wants dinner?" Christy asked, standing up._

_She was done with the mascara._

_"I, um...am not hungry," I said._

_"Did you have lunch?" Max asked me._

_"Yeah."_

_"Oh."_

_I was the only one who didn't have dinner. I stayed in the bedroom by myself while the girls went downstairs and had dinner in the kitchen. I told them I preffered to be alone._

* * *

_**7 p.m.**_

_It was that night. Pamela, Leslie, Christy, Melissa, Max and I were all on the sidewalk in front of Lauren's house. Melissa knocked on the door. Music wae blaring from inside._

_"Yeah?" we heard Brian call from inside._

_"Hey it's us," Melissa called._

_"Ok hang on," Brian called back._

_Within a few minutes we heard the lock turn in the front door; it opened and there was Brian standing in the doorway. Crowds of people danced behind him, holding cups. Rosalie was wrapped around his waist; her pupils were huge._

_"Hey cmon in," he said._

_"Yeah come in; welcome to the party," Rosalie said._

_We all squished inside, Brian closing and locking the door behind us._

_"Hey, want something to drink?" Lauren asked, spotting us._

_"Yeah we have wine. Ooh and beer that's good too."_

_Rosalie giggled. Lauren walked across the big living room to us._

_"You're so drunk," she told Rosalie, when she reached us._

_Her pupils were large as well._

_"Oh, and you're not?" Rosalie asked Lauren, turning to her._

_"Now get off, my brother."_

_Both Lauren and Brian pried Rosalie off Brian._

_"Cmon Rose let's go," Max said, leading Rosalie away._

_Brian turned to Lauren._

_"Thanks," he said._

_She nodded._

_"Uh huh," she replied_

_"Where's Tina?" she asked_

_"Friend's for the night."_

_"Oh. Ok."_

_She turned back to us._

_"You guys want anything to drink?" she asked us._

_"Um well..." Pamela said._

_"What do you have?" Leslie asked._

_"Follow us," Brian said._

_"I noticed you're not drunk," Christy said._

_"Christy, you know men can hold their liquor better," Melissa told her sister._

_"Oh. Right."_

_We followed Brian and Lauren through the crowds of people, which we pushed through and soon entered the kitchen. A couple was pushed against the kitchen counter, making out._

_"We have," Brian said, opening the fridge,_

_"Beer, vodka, orange juie, wine, water, sprite..." Lauren rattled off._

_"I'll have some wine," Pamela said._

_My eyes widened._

_"Wow really?" I asked_

_Pamela looked at me and nodded._

_"Uh huh," she replied_

_"Alrite red or white?" Brian asked_

_Pamela smiled_

_"Red."_

_"Ok we have..."_

_"Merlot do you have merlot cuz I want merlot."_

_"Ohhk."_

_Brian leaned deeper into the fridge._

_Melissa came over with a glass of water and 2 Advil in her hand._

_"Here," she said, giving it to Pamela._

_"Oh. Thank you."_

_"Mmhm."_

_Pamela opened her mouth and tipped her head back, popped the pills in and drank the water._

_"So I don't get one hell of a wine headache," she explained to me_

_"Oh. Ok," I said._

_"Yeah, I know, I hate those," Leslie said._

_"Yeah me too," Christy agreed._

_"They're just awful," Max said._

_"So what do you do?" I asked Melissa._

_"Oh I'm a bartender downtown."_

_"Oh. Ok."_

_"And Leslie, what would you like?" Brian asked her._

_"Um I think I'll have white wine," she replied_

_"Ok chardonnay?"_

_She nodded; "mmm hmm."_

_"Ok."_

_Brian pulled 2 large glass bottles out of the fridge. Leslie crossed the room and got 2 cups out of the cabinet. She set them down on the counter, reached up and closed the cabinets then filled the glasses with water. She handed one to Christy._

_"Here ya go," she said._

_"Thanks."_

_Brian set the bottles down on the counter and closed the fridge._

_"You guys can serve yourselves," he said._

_"Oo ouch," Lauren said._

_Melissa looked at her._

_"Headache?" she gussed._

_"Yeah. God ow," she said._

_"Here. Drink this," Melissa said, handing Lauren a glass of water; "it'll help."_

_"Um ok. I, whoa."_

_Lauren tripped, grabbing hold of the counter._

_Brian looked at her._

_"You ok?" he asked._

_"Wow I'm suddenly really dizzy."_

_"Yeah and the buzz is...gone."_

_She drew the word 'gone' out._

_"We gotta get you upstairs," Brian said._

_He looked at Melissa._

_"Melissa you ok with everything here?" he asked._

_She nodded._

_"Yeah sure," she said._

_They went upstairs._

* * *

_That left Pamela, Melissa, Christy, Leslie and I in the kitchen._

_"Does this happen a lot?" I asked._

_Pamela looked at me._

_"What, the party or the drinking?" she asked._

_"Well um both."_

_"Oh yeah."_

_"Well, more often than not," Melissa put in._

_"Oh."_

_"Ya want some?" Christy asked._

_"Yeah what the hell why not?" I replied._

_Leslie looked at me, lifting an eyebrow; "wow really?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Oh. Oh-k."_

_She was surprised._

_"What, I'm not allowed to have a drink?"_

_"You just didn't seem the type hun," Pamela told me: "not in middle school anyway. Or even now, actually."_

_I turned to her; "well usually, I'm not. Things have changed."_

_"Oh. Ok."_

_"Whatdayawant honey?" Melissa asked, peering into the fridge._

_"Uh idinno I've never had a drink before . . ."_

_"Oh try the merlot. Melissa give her the merlot. Karen have you had merlot? It's pretty amazing," Christy said, giggling._

_"Oh-k then I'll have merlot which, is apparently amazing," I said._

_"Coming right up," Melissa said._

_Leslie came over to me with a glass of water and 2 Advil, which she placed on the table in front of me._

_"Here hun. you're gonna need this," she told me._

_I tipped my head back, popped the Advil in, tipped my head forward and drank the water._

_"Thanks," I said._

_"Uh huh."_

_Melissa got the bottle of merlot out of the fridge and set it on the counter next to the wine glass. My eyes widened when I saw the bottle._

_"Um, am I drinking all of that?" I asked._

_"Oh no of course not," Pamela said._

_"Oh ok good."_

_Melissa uncorked the wine bottle and poured some of the wine into the glass. She corked the bottle, put it back in the fridge then came over to me carrying the glass. She, Leslie, Pamela and Christy surrounded me._

_"Now Karen," Pamela said._

_I looked at her; "yeah?"_

_"Before you drink there are a few things you should know."_

_"Uh huh ok."_

_"It's gonna hit you hard and it's gonna hit you fast," Christy told me._

_"Yeah well I'm used to that."_

_"Yeah well not from drinking. Maybe from life but not, from drinking."_

_"Oh."_

_"And it will hurt, just to warn you," Leslie said._

_"Oh more pain."_

_"So, if you're ready," Melissa said._

_"I am."_

_I took a drink._

* * *

_And discovered they were right. The merlot hit me hard and it hit me fast._

_"Oh wow. God. This is weird," I said._

_I felt dizzy and really warm. And out of it._

_Pamela, Leslie, Christy and Melissa were all looking at me._

_"You ok?" Pamela asked._

_"Um yeah I think so I'm just really dizzy. I need to, um...um...that..."_

_"Lie down?" Leslie suggested._

_"Yeah. That. Since I apparently can't form complete, um,..."_

_"Sentences," Christy said._

_"Yes those! Thank you!"_

_"Wow you're tipsy," Melissa said._

_"Oh is that what I am hmm I hadn't noticed."_

_I fell...back... into Pamela._

_"Oh hello love how ara ya there?" I muttered._

_She smiled._

_"You wanna go up to my room?" she asked._

_"Yeah sure ok. That sounds good."_

_"Be careful standing up," she told me._

_I got off the uncomfortable stool I'd been sitting on. Pamela's arm went around my waist._

_We walked through crowds of people and into the living room where there were more crowds of people. Melissa, Leslie and Christy followed me._

_"Karen hey how ya doin?" Brian called._

_I smiled at him. He walked over to us._

_"Hey I'm a little tipsy right now, apparently, according to...uh, them can I get back to you later?" I asked._

_He looked at Melissa and asked; "she's never had a drink before has she?"_

_"No. She hasn't."_

_"She and I are goin upstairs," Pamela informed Brian._

_"Ok, well, let me know if you need anything."_

_"Ok will do."_

* * *

_When we got upstairs Pamela led us down the hall to Brian's parents' room._

_"And here," she said, opening the door, "we are."_

_We went inside. She closed and locked the door behind us._

_"Mind if I turn off the lights?" she asked._

_Even though I was tipsy I still didn't like the dark._

_"Please keep them...on," I replied, managing to form a complete sentence._

_"Oh. Ok."_

_"I'm still dizzy."_

_"Yeah you're gonna be dizzy for a long time hun."_

_Pamela led us to the bed, where we laid down next to each other._

_She put her mouth near mine._

_"Pamela," I said._

_"Yeah hun?"_

_"Don't."_

_"But, I...don't you..."_

_"No, it's not that I'm not interested in you, because I am. Oh god you have no idea how gorgeous you are."_

_"But?"_

_I sat up, followed by a head rush. I breathed in._

_"Oh god," I said._

_"Head rush?" Pamela asked._

_I nodded. her eyes were huge._

_"Lie back."_

_"Ok."_

_And I did so._

_"Pamela I...I was...my stepdad...um, he..."_

_"It happened to you too didn't it," she stated._

_"What?"_

_"Their hands in your hair, telling you how gorgeous you are...night after night...always being afraid..."_

_"Yeah. It did. How'd ya know?"_

_"Word gets around Karen. It gets, around."_

_"Well I guess so it certainly does."_

_"And. It happened to me too."_

_"Oh. My god. I had no idea."_

_"Not a lot of people do."_

_"Same."_

_"When did it start?" I asked her_

_"When did what start?"_

_"The...um, you know."_

_"Oh. Way early on."_

_"Oh Pamela._

_"Yeah first my dad, who died, and then...my mom's new husband...Leela's string of boyfriends...Ryan..."_

_"Oh wow. Jeez."_

_"Yeah. I know. And you?"_

_"Um well over the years it increased."_

_"Oh."_

_I suddenly felt really dizzy and really sick._

_"Omygod!" i said, sitting up my hand over my mouth._

_Pamela looked at me worriedly._

_"Karen?" she asked._

_"Where...where's the bathroom?"_

_I swung my legs over the bed onto the light carpeted floor._

_"It's the door next to this room, down...in the hallway."_

_"Ohk."_

_"Is it something I said? Did? Didn't do?"_

_"No I it's the..no."_

_"Ok."_

_I ran rather unsteadily out of the room and into the bathroom where I promptly passed out._

* * *

_It was later that night and I'd bumped into one of the bathroom doors. The hallway was packed with people talking, dancing and drinking._

_"Occupied," a voice inside called._

_"Um, what?" I called over the noise._

_"Scuse me can I get by? I need to use the-" a guy to my right said._

_"You can't go in-" I started._

_He turned the knob of the door which clicked._

_The guy turned and was led off by someone I didn't recognise._

_I stumbled into the door, opening it._

_"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-" I said to whoever was in the bathroom._

_The bathroom smelled like smoke._

_In front of me, on the floor, was a girl dressed entirely in black. She had long dark hair. The sleeve of her fuzzy black v neck sweater was pushed up. around her arm right above the elbow was a white rubber band. in her other hand was a syringe._

_"Omygod," I said, horrified; "I'm so sorry."_

_I closed the door, ran down the hall stairs and out the back door into the backyard which still smelled like smoke. I made my way to the porch swing which I climbed onto and pulled out my razorblade from its film canister._

* * *

_I felt someone besides myself enter the backyard. Whoever it was closed the back door as quietly as they could._

_"Hey what are you doin out here?" I heard Brian's voice say._

_"I, got scared," I replied, turning towards him._

_"Oh? Of what?" he asked crossing the yard to the swing._

_"I. When I was upstairs, I accidentally opened the bathroom door. The hallway was crowded, packed and-"_

_"Yeah I know. It's very crowded in there."_

_"And I opened it and saw a girl my height. She was...she had a syringe. Her sleeve was pushed up."_

_"Oh wow."_

_"I think she was shooting up. Or, going to, rather. I closed it right away. The, uh, the door."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah."_

_"Heroin? Coke?"_

_"Idinno I didn't ask. Can you...?"_

_"You want me to take you home?"_

_I nodded; "yeah, would you."_

_"Yeah sure. Oh damn."_

_Brian got a look at my arms._

_"Oh. Those. I'm sorry that I'm bleeding all over your-"_

_"It's ok it's washable."_

_"Oh. ok."_

_"I'll go get something for it."_

_"Ok."_

_I swallowed. Brian went back into the house._

_"Hey chick," a female voice called._

_It was the same voice as the girl I'd seen smoking earlier...as the one in the bathroom._

_"Hey. Listen," she said._

_Her voice drew closer as she approached me._

_"I didn't mean to scare ya up, back there. You know, in the bathroom? When you..."_

_I nodded._

_"Yeah. I know," I said quickly._

_"I can be a bit intens esometimes."_

_Yeah you're tellin me._

_"I shoot up. Sometimes."_

_"I gathered."_

_"You see...I'm an addict."_

* * *

_**10 p.m.**_

_When I woke up I had a pounding headache. I rolled over and saw Brian sitting on the edge of the bathtub._

_"What, what are you doing here?" I asked, confused._

_He smiled._

_"I live here Karen," he reminded me._

_"You do? Well then what am I doing here? Where's Pamela? David? What day is it how'd I get here? Ugg I feel so awful. I'm so drunk. Omygod."_

_"No honey you're not. You're not that drunk."_

_"Then why...why...ow. Do I feel so awful?"_

_"Because you've never had a drink before."_

_"Ow can't you get me something for my head?"_

_"Karen, I'm sorry, I can't."_

_"Oh well why..." I started to sit up and promptly fell back against the side of the tub._

_"Because you don't mix pills with alcohol."_

_"Alcohol is that what I drank? God no wonder I feel so awful."_

_"Yes, it was. here."_

_Brian slowly pushed me away from the tub and put a folded towel behind my back. I leaned back against it. Brian started to brush his fingers through my hair._

_"I love your hair Karen. It's so so beautiful. Like the sun spun into follicles. And you oh you. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" he said._

_I shuddered at the memory._

_"No. Don't," I told Brian._

_"What why? You have beautiful-" he started to say._

_"Hair. Yes. I...I know. That's exactly what they said. They loved my hair and they ended up..."_

_"Oh. My god. Wow. I'm so sorry."_

_A knock came on the door. Brian looked up._

_"Yeah?" he asked._

_"Hey I brought her some water," I heard Pamela say; "how's she doin?"_

_"The same," Brian replied; "you can come in."_

_"Ok."_

_Pamela came in and sat on the floor next to me. She put the glass of water in my hands._

_"Here honey," she said; "drink this. It'll help."_

_I took the glass from her hands, lifted it to my lips and drank._

_"Ug I feel awful," I said._

_"I know you do."_

_"You want me to stay here with you?" she asked me._

_"Huh?"_

_"You want me to stay-"_

_The whole room went dark._

_I threw off the covers and stood up._

_"I can't do this," I said._

_"Do what?" Brian asked._

_I threw my hands up; "this! Everything! They know...something. Too much."_

_"Karen, they're just trying..." Pamela said._

_"No."_

* * *

_I walked down the hall and into the bathroom where I closed and locked the door. I sat down against it and pulled my film canister out of my pocket. I popped the top and let the canister and its top roll around on the white tile floor untill a thin silver rectangle fell out. I picked the rectangle up and put it to my wrist._

_It was later that night. I was, once again, at a party at Brian's with the Cullens and my friends. The house was crowded and dark, so dark I could barely see. Having had a few drinks I'd become quite inebriated. I was ready to go home. The party had gone on for several hours._

_Someone silently took my hand._

_"Need a ride?" they whispered._

_I nodded._

_"Where to?"_

_"I..." I'd suddenly forgotten due to inebriation._

_"My place?"_

_"Um. Sure."_

_We went out into the quiet cold dark. We got into a waiting car and drove away._

* * *

_**Monday**_

_After a hell of a weekend, including the party Friday night, cutting several times, being drunk and spending Saturday sick then Sunday, yesterday, sobering up - which, if you've never done it, is a btich - I was finally back at school. As were the Cullens, Hannah, Natalie, Nancy, Pamela, Brian and David. Brian had told us there was going to be another party at his place that night. I knew I'd have to sneak out. After school I had work at the club. I hadn't quite gotten the hang of pole dancing but kept trying which Melissa liked. She was a great boss so far._

_I was in homeroom with the Cullens, Brian and Pamela. The people around us were chatting about their weekend._

_Hannah, Natalie and Nancy walked in in a group._

_"Oh god," I said._

_Brian looked at me._

_"What?" he asked._

_"I completely blew them off last week. Crap."_

_"Ohh."_

_Something seemed off that morning. Our friend Amanda hadn't shown up._

_Hannah, Natalie and Nancy reached me._

_"Either of you seen Amanda?" I asked._

_"No. But where the hell were you last week?" Hannah asked._

_"Um...I was..."_

_"You completely blew us off!"_

_"Yeah I knew we had plans but I was kind of busy."_

_"Oh, kind of? Kind of? The least you could do is tell us what happened," Natalie, the sensitive one, said._

_They walked to and sat in seats at the back of the room._

_The teacher walked into the room._

_"Damnit," I said._

_"What?" Pamela asked, looking at me._

_"I completely forgot to do my psychology assigment."_

_"You were hungover."_

_"Yeah but that's not ever an excuse."_

_"Who...who's told you that?"_

_"My mom. I got home yesterday...we had this big fight...it didn't end well."_

_"Oh."_

_The teacher clearedhis throat._


	69. Chapter 31

_**Karen**_

_**Thursday**_

_It was the next morning, Thursday, and I had snuck into the auditorium. It was the only place that was quiet. I was lying down backstage. My head was pounding and the general feeling of being sick kept interrupting my trying to sleep. My eyes were closed. I tried not to move as I was, once again, dizzy._

_"Karen?" a quiet familiar voice said._

_"Uhm. Y-yeah?"_

_"It's me."_

_"Uh. Me who?"_

_"Your brother."_

_"David?"_

_"Yeah. You ok?"_

_"Uh. Ugh. I'm sick."_

_"Had a bit too much to drink at the party?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Hey honey," I heard Pamela's voice say._

_"Hi. I need to talk to you."_

_"Ok."_

_I felt her sit down next to me on the hard stage._

_"I'll go, sit in the back," David said._

_Pamela must've nodded._

_"What's wrong?" Pamela asked, taking my hand in hers._

_"I think I'm hungover."_

_"How do you feel?"_

_"Well. Hungover."_

_"No, I mean more specifically."_

_"Oh. Um, like when if...if I were to open my eyes the world, room...whatever...would be spinning. Really dizzy. And just generally sick."_

_"How much did you drink last night?"_

_"I really don't remember. 3, maybe 4?"_

_"Oh. You passed out several times. Once, from drinking."_

_"Oh. I was at the mall yesterday."_

_"Mmmhmm."_

_"I saw Ryan. he...he tried to unbutton my coat. I ran to the...bus stop."_

_"Oh. Wow. He's not a good person to be around."_

_"I know that's what Brian said."_

_"Mmhmm. What else happened?"_

_"Well. I got some jewelry."_

_"Wow, how much?"_

_"I'll show you later._

_"Ok."_

_"And...I had sex."_

_"Wow. How was it?"_

_"I was quite drunk, so, again."_

_"You really don't remember."_

_"Yeah."_

_"Oh."_

_"Would you...stay with me?"_

_"Ok."_


	70. Chapter 37

_**Karen**_

_**Friday**_

_It was early Friday morning, still dark. I was home and had snuck into the kitchen. I was really hungry. I opened the cabinets and pulled out everything I could find; rice, crackers, beans, cookies, Nutella and pasta. Then I opened the fridge and pulled out fruit, pudding, brownies and yogurt. I opened the beans and stuck them in the microwave. While they were cooking I ate everything but the pasta. After I was done eating that I ate the entire can of beans and after that, cooked the pasta and ate it._

_I felt horrible and fat after I was done._

_I decided to take a shower. I went upstairs, down the hall and into my bathroom where I closed and locked the door. i turned the water on very hot. I then stripped and stepped into the tub. When it was filled I went under the water, taking a razor blade with me._


	71. Chapter 39

_**Karen**_

_**Saturday**_

_It was early Saturday morning and I was at the mall. I'd stopped by Starbucks where I'd bought chai tea which I'd sipped while waiting for the stores to open. They'd opened at 9. I'd finished my tea and had gone to Claire's where I'd gotten some earrings then the bookstore and music store. I was now sitting on one of the dark brown leather chairs by the department store, waiting for more people to go in._

_The weather had turned cold, gray, cloudy and gloomy. It had snowed overnight._

_My mom and stepdad had left Wednesday overnight to go see my mom's cousin, who'd moved to London. They were staying for at least a week. The only people at home were myself, David and our sisters Emily and Grace. Kristy was away at college and Sam was living in New York with his wife Stacey, who was Kristy's friend. Kristy's other friends Mary Anne, Claudia, Dawn, Mallory and Shannon were elsewhere. The only ones who'd stayed here were Abby and Logan. Logan and Mary Anne had been dating but were now broken up. Mary Anne was in Germany, Claudia was studying art in Japan, Dawn was in California, Mallory was at boarding school, Jessi was at a ballet school in London and Shannon was in France. I hadn't gotten a chance yet to ask Kristy if Stacey knew Cassandra._

_About an hour later a bunch of people were in the department store. I stood up and went in. As soon as I got to the jewelry counter I started filling my boots and coat with jewelry, then disappeared to another section of the store where the clothes were. The clerk at the jewelry counter had been busy talking on the phone._


	72. Chapter 41

_Karen_

_It was later that same day. I'd gone home and put what I'd gotten at the department store in my closet. David was off somewhere and Emily and Grace were at friends' houses._

_I was now at the ice skating rink, skating. I skated along the wall, putting my foot behind me and pushed forward. I did the same thing with the other foot then let go of the wall and did a few pirouettes. Taking dance after school and working at the club had definately helped._

_The large rink was cold and crowded with people. Families, couples, children and people my age. There was one group of guys and girls Kristy's age._

_"Hey, good job," I heard a voice call._

_I whirled around and saw Tom skating up to me._

_"Hey, thanks," I said._

_"You're welcome. I never knew you were a skater. I recorded someof it."_

_He held up his digital camera._

_"You know, for the project?" he reminded me._

_"Oh. Yeah."_

_"You wanna take a break?" he asked._

_"Ok."_

_We skated off the rink and onto the benches where we sat down and unlaced our skates._

_"Ow," I said, picking up my foot and rubbing my ankle._

_"You alrite?" Tom asked._

_"Yeah. This, always happens when I skate."_

_"Yeah, me too. how long you been skating for?"_

_"Well, I'd always liked it and always went every winter."_

_"Oh. How'd you learn to be so...good?"_

_I smiled; "thanks."_

_"Mmhmm."_

_"Well, I taught myself, mostly. And taking dance after school's helped."_

_"Mmmhmm."_

_"But when I was little my friend Natalie's grandmother taught us. She's from Russia and still teaches dance and skating."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah she's in her 60s. Her, grandmother, I mean."_

_"Yeah I got that."_

_"Oh."_

_I took my skates off, laced them together and started putting my stilettos on._

_"Awesome boots," Tom said._

_"Thanks, they're for my work."_

_"Oh, where do you work?"_

_"At a club downtown."_

_"With Pamela, Christy and Lauren?"_

_I nodded._

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah."_

_"How 'bout some how chocolate?" Tom asked._

_"Oh I, uh, don't have that much money on me..." I replied._

_"Oh I'll buy."_

_"Wow thank you."_

_"Mmmhmm."_


	73. Chapter 46

_**Karen**_

_It was later that night and instead of being at someone's house I was at the mall by myself. After recovering, Esme and Carlisle had decided I could go out._

_I was walking in the mall. There weren't very many people around. Up ahead I spotted a department store which I made a beeline for._

_Once inside, I tried to blend into the floor legnth gowns. The day had suddenly changed earlier to being cold and before I left the house I put on my stilettos and long black wool coat. I was still wearing my black gloves and my long blonde hair was tucked under the collar of my coat and under my black cloche. Everyone else in the store was bundled up as well. Because it was so cold many of the storeclerks had gone home early._

_I took some scarves off the racks and hid them under several long gowns, which I draped over my arm. I made my way to the jewelry counter where I slipped several items into my long deep pockets. At several points I bent downn and scratched an invisible itch, putting some of the items in my boots._

_I walked out of the store in the same manner and speed I'd come in._

_When I was a few feet away someone called to me._

_"Hey. You," he said._

_I started walking faster._

_"Cmere," the voice continued._

_I walked faster, thinking it was either a storeclerk or a security gaurd. I wasn't looking where I was going and bumped into someone tall and muscled._

_"I know who you are you go to my school. I met you that day at Brian's. Why did you run out on me that night? There's something I've been meaning to tell you," he continued._

_He started unbuttoning the large round black buttons of my coat. I got up, and swung my legs in his direction. Dancing after school had given me strength in my legs I hadn't had before._

_I then ran out of the mall and to the bus stop where I got on the bus to go downtown to the strip club where I worked. Once we arrived I walked hurriedly inside and into the club._

_"Hey you ready to go?" Christy asked me._

_"Um, hold on let me hang up my coat," I replied._

_Melissa peered at me; "hey sweetie what's wrong?" she asked._

_"Um, I, what?" I asked._

_"You look upset."_

_"Oh. I, um, nothing."_

_I unbuttoned my coat and gave it to Melissa. I was already in my outfit. I followed Christy to the bar. We climbed onto the table. The music was already playing and Lauren and Renee were already dancing._


	74. Ashley: Monday

Ashley

That night mom stood.

"yes?" I said looking up at her.

"Ashley I need to speak to you. Alone," she told me.

"uh ok," I said also standing.

I turned to bobby and Amanda; "excuse me. It was nice meeting you,"

"of course dear," bobby said smiling.

"yeah you too honey," Amanda told me.

"so what is it?" I asked mom turning to her.

"just a minute."

"ok."

Her heels clicked Iimpatienly down the long white tile hall several feet. When we finally got to someplace quiet she stopped.

"yeah?" I asked.

"why didn't you tell me?" mom said impatiently.

"about?"

"your work."

"mom you know I work. You know I work 4 jobs," I reasoned.

"yes but I didn't know you were a stripper!" she said throwing up her hands.

"well you knew I worked downtown!"

"a….a stripper? My god! How could you? What were you thinking?" she was frustrated and part of this was bc she didn't understand.

"its not like im whoring myself." I told her trying to help her gain perspective.

"oh isn't it though? You dance around barely clothed tantalizing men. I know what goes on at those clubs. And the vip rooms…."

"this isn't the Moulin rouge its not that bad."

"well it might as well be. I want you to quit."

Well. It certainly wasn't as expensive.

"quit? Why?"

This was a surprise. I had to work 4 jobs just to help pay kates hospital bills. Out of everyone in the family I was the one who worked the most.

"because."

"because why?" I asked.

"because."

Well that wasn't much of a reason.

"because im the mom and I say so," she told me.

"that is so. Childish," I said.

"god mom its not like im fuking." I pointed out trying to make her see it wasn't that bad.

"fuking? Fuking!" mom spread her arms; "don't use that language."

"Well its true. Im not."

"so youre a virgin?"

"not….not really. Not by choice."

Something crossed her face and she softened.

"oh," she said.

"im 17 im old enough to make my own decisions."

"youre not 18 yet. When youre 18 you can work there as much as you want. You can even live there for all I care!"

"fine. I will."

She walked away.

I sank down to the floor.

* * *

I was sitting there in the long cold clean white hallway. I wondered why mom was so upset about my work. She hadn't been upset about my modeling or working at the bookstore or working as a cocktail waitress. But then id barely had a chance to tell her before shed been interrupted by kate. The hall was quiet. And still. And right now I needed both.

Back in Brooklyn whenever it was this quiet it meant that dad was coming home. And that was never a good sign. No one knew this but angela wasn't my only daughter. She was however my only living daughter.

Down the hall I heard mom and Amanda arguing. Hospital staff was bustling but no one paid much notice to me. No of course they didn't.

"karen where you goin?" I heard dad ask.

"to get some coffee. Out. I don't really know," she replied.

They both left.

I heard footsteps come down the hall toward me and near jumped. I stiffened.

"honey its ok," Amanda voice said.

I looked up to see her standing in front of me.

"oh. Ok. Sry," I said.

"hey I get it. Mind if I sit?" she asked looking at a spot next to me.

I glanced at it then back at her; "sure, free….um. Hallway."

"im not asking for the hell of it, you know."

Her words cut me. And cut through to me.

I sighed.

"actually no. I don't mind. Fact is I could use the company."

"ok."

She sat, putting her legs to the side.

"your mom kinda came down on you hard huh?" she said.

"yeah um…why?"

"well - and this is between us - "

I nodded.

"but when she was a little older than you she was one. She worked in the Moulin rouge. In paris."

"yes I know where that is Amanda," I said.

"oh. Ok. I know you don't know much about her past."

"yeah or, anything."

"she doesn't talk much about it. I was there."

"in paris?"

"yeah went and visited her."

"oh."

"you might not know this or be aware but shes scared."

I looked at pam; "then why didn't she just tell me?"

"shes not so good w/ feelings."

"shes a therapist."

"it doesn't mean shes a good mom."

"shes not bad either," I said.

"I didn't say that," pam said.

"no I know."

"oh. Shes just. Complicated."

"yeah im beginning to figure that out," I said.


	75. Chapter 121

_Karen_

"_so," jesse said after awhile._

_I looked at him; "yeah?"_

"_do you want to go to my place?"_

"_uh well…." I was kindof nervous which he picked up on._

"_you don't have to. It just seems from what ive heard a helluva lot safer than yours. For the time being."_

_I weighed my options. If I went home my dad would do what he did. Again. To me every night._

"_I. well. Ok," I told him._

"_great."_


	76. Chapter 32

Ashley

I sat there in the quiet hallways w/ Amanda, thinking about all this. The fact that back in Brooklyn when it was quiet meant something bad was going to happen wasn't. good. Well it was that way here too but it didn't mean I was in danger just that kate was. It was really a matter of unpredictability the unpredictability of life. And timing the timing of everything. My dad could've done worse than hurting me the way he did. Id ended up hospitalised bc of him. But, if id somehow died, I wouldn't have to live w/ that knowledge. I was young when my mom died. She was sick. And in a way she was lucky my dad didn't kill her that she went that way. She was the one who taught me to play piano. After she died I stopped playing.

I didn't know what it meant for things to be quiet without something big happening.

Its pretty sad that my own adoptive mom didn't tell me she was scared that her own friend, one of my bosses, had to. Amanda was nice a lot nicer than karen at times. Karen basically inferred she didn't care what I did w/ my life. And neither had my dad. But I had to stay w/ my family in case something happened to karen. So I didn't have time to focus on me.

"hey," Amanda said quietly.

I looked at her; "yeah?"

"im going to go check on your mom ok?"

"ok. Thank you."

"of course honey. You know where to find me."

"yeah always."

She stood.

She left leaving me there in the quiet.

* * *

As I listened to the quiet my head got tighter. It started in my forehead and around my eyes then moved to my sides. I pulled my knees up to my chest and put my head on them. I did some yoga breaths and closed my eyes.

I near fell asleep.

* * *

Soft quiet footsteps approached me from behind and 2 big soft cold hands touched my neck. I lifted my head back towards whoever it was.

"no don't," he said, "put your head forward again back on your knees."

I did and his hands started rubbing my neck.

"omygod," I said as I breathed out surprised by how good it felt.

"I know. My sisters used to get the same thing. Constant pressures gonna be the best thing. Shhh just breathe."

"I…"

"don't talk."

Ok.


	77. Chapter 116666666666667777777777

_Karen_

_Jesse and I were at his place on his sofa. I was lying on it my feet against a pillow in his lap. The house was quiet._

"_so. What happened to your sisters? Besides what you've already told me that is," I asked._

"_well. Anna told me about the time she walked in on kate OD-ing," he answered._

"_oh. Wow," I was surprised._

"_yeah. Whyd you apologise?"_

"_when? Oh earlier"_

"_yeah earlier."_

"_people don't like weak women. Well men actually. Specifically. And I want you to like me."_

"_you seem nice enough why do you think that?"_

_I looked down then back up as I was triggered; "my dad told me."_

"_oh. Wow."_


	78. Puck: Monday: alice & the blonde

Puck

As alice and the blonde talked I watched. I was at the hospital to visit dianna whod cut too deep. She was asleep now.

As I listened to alice and the blonde I felt sad. I wanted the blonde to be able to have time for her and to help her be ok w/ the quiet. She was pretty but. Damaged. And that was ok w/ me since dianna was the same way. I don't know whatd happened to the blonde back in Brooklyn but it was obviously something big.


	79. Chapter 5555

_**Karen**_

_It started my 2nd__ year of middle school when I was 13. The night before the day that school started. It - school - started sept 1. That night was aug. 31. When I was sleeping my stepdad came into my dark room and climbed over me in my bed. Halfway through I woke up. I didn't want to wake anyone else up._


	80. Chapter 38

Ashley

After Amanda left the hall was quiet again. I leaned back against the wall letting the cold seep in. tears started to collect in my eyes. It felt weird. My dad never liked tears. Well. He never liked women who cried. Even though I hadn't seen him in about a yr I was still afraid. It was also weird showing tears somewhere this caring.

A hefty African american nurse came walking down the hall. She seemed vaguely familiar. I think she was a nurse my family knew. She looked down at me.

"hi, Ashley?" she asked.

I looked up; "yeah?"

"im alice. Remember me?"

"kindof?"

I was confused.

"im kates nurse," she informed me.

"oh."

"honey whats wrong?"

"I….."

I was hesitant to tell her. I wasn't sure how much time she had. Or how much time any of us have.

"I have a few minutes," alice said.

"oh."

Ok.

I stood as I felt odd actually talking physically up to her.

"I…." I looked around; "I don't have time for me."

She looked at me, waiting; "what do you mean?"

I inhaled; "its just…..karents not around much for the others. And whenever it gets quiet there something big is going to happen just like it did in Brooklyn. I didn't know what quiet feels like without that. Im…..im out of Brooklyn but its still. Not really about me."

"wow. that's really sad."

"theres Amanda to talk to. My boss. Well. One of them. And shes nice but its. Not enough. I lost my mom when I was young….so…."

"oh honey."


	81. Chapter 133

_**Karen**_

_"Cmon, onto the scale," my mom said at dinner time that night._

_"But-" I protested._

_"Now."_

_My stepdad grabbed my thin upper arm and lifted me out of the chair. We went into the kitchen with my mom following._

_"On the scale," he said._

_I reluctantly stepped onto the scale._

_"Now strip," he told me._

_I turned to him, shocked; "what?"_

_"I said, strip."_

_"No."_

_He came closer and put his other hand on my other upper arm._

_"You will, strip for me," he said._

_"No."_

_"You've lost 10 pounds, hm," my mom muttered; "go do your homework."_

_"I'm not feeling well.'_

_"It doesn't matter."_

_At which point David came into the room._

_"Karen," was all he had to say._

_I turned to him, stepped off the scale and left._

_Behind me, I heard him and my parents arguing._


	82. Chapter 27

**Pam**

_When Lela came home from school that day I was sitting in the living room._

_"What no parties today?" she asked the door closing behind her._

_"No and I need to talk to you," I answered._

_"Oh. What about?"_

_"I want you to break up with Ryan."_

_"Why?"_

_"He's…he's been following Karen. Leaving her notes. And hurting me."_

_"i. wow. When?"_

_"To which?"_

_"The second."_

_"Oh. When he thinks you're not here."_

_"Oh god wow um…wow."_

_She sank down onto the sofa._


	83. Pam

_**Pam**_

_It was 9 at night. Christy, Leslie, Karen, Lauren and I were standing in the entryway of my large house._

_"Pamela dear," my mother called from the kitchen._

_I looked at the ceiling and sighed; "coming Mother."_

_I went into the kitchen with Christy and Leslie folliwng. Karen and Lauren stayed in the living room. My brunette mom was sitting at the round wooden kitchen table. She looked up when we came in._

_"Hi ladies," she said when we entered, looking up._

_"Hi," I said._

_"It's about Leela," she told us._

_"Oh no."_

_"What happened?" Leslie asked._

_Leela was my 19 year old sister who was away at college._

_"Well evidently," she continued; "she fainted while in class the other day. She's missed several ballet class and rehearsals. According to Astrid she's been depressed. We think she might have to come home for a bit."_

_Astrid was her roommate._

_"I really don't think-" I began, knowing Leela wouldn't fair well with Dad._

_Mom turned to me, lifting an eyebrow; "oh? why not?"_

_"we think she should finish up the semester," Christy covered brightly._

_"Oh."_

_We walked back into the living room. The large white front door had been open._

_"What happened?" Leslie asked._

_"Karen took off," Lauren informed us._

_"Why?"_

_"Dinno."_

_"Oh. Where'd she go?"_

_"Don't know that either."_

_"Oh."_

* * *

_**Please Review**_


	84. Chapter 42

Jesse

After everyone but kate anna and myself had left Amanda and bobby came into the kitchen.

"hey youre up later. Than the others," I said looking at them.

"yeah well," Amanda said.

Not much more to say about that.

"do you want some breakfast?" I asked.

"yeah ok," Amanda said pulling out a chair.

Bobby also sat.

"wherer max, lauren and christy?" I asked.

"they should be here in a few," bobby told me.

"oh. Ok. And theyre staying here?"

"unless, youre not ok w/ that."

"no no that's fine. Im just um. Surprised."

"so what do you wamt?" I asked.

"what do you have?"

"well we have eggs, fruit, cereal, waffles. And marie knows how to make crepes but um seeing as shes not here. Itd be kindof difficult for her to make them."

After wed had dinner the previous night Amanda, bobby, Pam, Karen and id all driven back to our place where they'd slept. The others were staying in a hotel. Max, Christy and Lauren would arrive in a few mins. It would be good to see them after not for so long. I was a bit apprehensive about this though.


	85. Janis

This chapter was inspired by JewWitch's story 'Summer Interlude: Snapshots', chap. 12. Thanks for the inspiration! :)

To avoid confusion I'm referring to Kerry as either 'Kerry' or 'Mom K' and Haley as either 'Haley' or 'Mom H'.

* * *

**POV: Janis**

When I woke up that morning a girl I knew from school and had slept over thorn was in my bed next to me.

"Morning babe," she said opening her eyes.

"Mmm morning. Lets go see if my moms have made breakfast yet," I said.

"Ok."

We got up went out of my room down the hall stairs and into the kitchen where my 2 moms Haley and Kerry were talking w/ my sister Joan and good friend jimmy.

"Hey who's…." Jimi asked seeing us.

'don't say anything distract them' I mouthed.

'ok sure' he mouthed back.

He turned back to my moms.

"So I've been writing a new song I want you guys to hear," he told them.

"Yeah go ahead," Joan said.

"Looks like they've already made breakfast," thorn said next to me; "im suddenly hungry."

"Yeah I know me too," I said.

After a few minutes Haley said "Jimi id love to hear the rest of this but I have to get to work."

"But I haven't finished," he protested.

"Yeah but. I have to get the gym ready."

"Oh. What about you Kerry?"

"I thought id drive her make sure she gets there ok," Kerry answered.

"And by that she means 'have breakfast again," Joan muttered.

"Joan!" Mom K protested, standing.

Joan looked up at her; "what? Cmon im old enough to know what's goin on your euphanisms. The Aguilera song isn't called 'sex for breakfast' for nothing."

"You, miss, need to get to school as does your sister. Where is - oh," at that moment Mom K looked over and saw me and thorn standing.

"Um. We were hoping for some breakfast?" I asked.

"Breakfast or, "breakfast" ?" Joan air-quoted.

"Joan," Mom K said.

"Sorry."

Mom turned back to me; "no breakfast untill you tell me what's going on."

"Yes," Haley said also standing, "why don't you ladies come into the living room?"

Thorn, myself and my moms all went into the living room where we sat.

"It's not what it looks like mom," I said.

"Really? Cause it looks like you 2 had quite a night last night."

"Well Mrs. Broderick we did stuff but we didn't do that. Stuff," thorn added.

"This young woman, who I don't even know, "

"We," Kerry put in.

"Right, we, don't even know spend the night last night without our permission," mom said.

"She needed a place to stay. You were asleep," I said; "and if you hadn't noticed jimis here too."

He held up his hands; "hey. don't drag me into this man."

"And you don't trust thorn?"

"Well I've read about her."

"And what've you read," I stated.

"Something we'll talk about later."

"So why did you do this?" Kerry asked.

"Cause I didn't want this exact thing to happen! You were asleep and I didn't want to wake you up and it seemed like the best possible option."

"Well it's too fuk-" Joan.

Mom K turned to her.

"Joan," she commanded.

"-it's too late for that Janis."

I turned to her; "oh like you're one to talk given the times you've brought Cherie home and she spent the night without their permission."

"Don't you bring Cherie into this."

"Thorn, we can't actually punish you since you're not actually our daughter. But you have to leave. And as for you Janis. It's off to school. We'll talk about this later but for now our punishment is that you can't date."

"And me?" Joan asked.

"You can't date either."

"But I didn't do anything!"

"Yeah but do you really think that's fair to Janis?"

"But jimis allowed here!" I protested.

Haley turned to me; "we've talked w/ both of you about safe sex. About dating violence. About getting physicals. About what to watch out for. you've come to us w/ questions we've known jimi for years. Now go, all of you."


	86. Chapter 104444444444444455555555555

_Karen_

_After I did all that I stood outside by the bookstore hoping for someone to come by. People did mostly in couples or groups. Some just gave me a look some asked if I was ok to which I said I was. I knew they thought I didn't look it._

_Finally a college guy stopped. He looked me up and down._

"_hey you need a ride?" he asked._

"_um. Yeah actually. And your car is….?" I asked._

"_in the lot by the capitol._

"_oh ok."_

_We began walking his arm around me. He was warm and taller than me._

"_youre warm," I observed._

"_well ive been moving while you've just been standing here," he said._

"_oh."_

_I looked down embarrassed._

"_hey im not here to judge you," he told me._

"_ok good. Cause that's the last thing I need right now man," I said._

"_yeah. I figured. I mean. a highschooler dressed the way you are, standing against the side of a building at this hour. Theres only one thing you want right now."_

"_I thought you weren't here to judge me."_

"_im not."_

"_and its not that late."_

"_still. The point remains."_

"_oh."_

"_im just. Im worried about you. don't your parents care?"_

"_youd think so but no. all my dad cares about is."_

"_hurting you," the guy said softly._

"_yeah howd you know?"_

"_im just really good at reading people."_

"_oh."_

"_what about siblings?"_

"_well, my one brother does but im not sure where he is. I mean I know hes in the city but like, I don't know. Where, exactly. Or what hes doing."_

_The guy nodded; "right."_

"_and I don't feel like contacting him. Cause I don't want him to rescue me."_

"_you don't want him to care."_

"_that's not what I said. I just don't want him to react."_

"_oh. But im rescuing you in a way. Miss."_

"_karen," I supplied._

"_shawn," the guy said._

"_yeah but you don't know him."_

"_you don't know that I could know him."_

"_ok you have a point," I said, considering._

_Theres this theory about 6 degrees of seperation. You know someone and they know someone else and eventually it comes back to you._

"_but even if you do you wont tell him," I saif._

"_no," shawn said; "if you want sex all you have to do is ask. We can cut the chitchat and go to my place and just get to it."_

"_maybe that's all I say and I want and maybe that's all I look like. But theres a part of me."_

"_yeah. I get it. So what do you wanna do?"_

"_I wanna go some place warm and away and. Yeah. I want sex. You have something right?"_

"_im in college," shawn pointed out._

"_doesn't mean you have something. You damn well better have something cause im not getting an std. or. Pregnant, actually. Cause if I get pregnant then that's more of a reason for. My dad to do what he does."_

"_ok. Well stop at the Walgreens. I want to go in w/ you to make sure you get it."_

_He peered at mel "you seem awfully distrusting for someone I just met."_

"_sorry but I kindof have to be. And youd be too if youd gone through what I had."_

"_hey. I get it. Youre not used to people being this nice to you so you think you have to act this way so they don't hurt you."_

"_well. I do."_

"_did I say I didn't get it? You don't always to have a come back."_

"_ok. I just. Im supposed to be quiet. But when im w/ you…."_

"_you can be a bitch. Bc you think I wont hurt you."_

"_well will you?"_

"_I wont lie to you. From your perspective everyone is going to hurt you. And youre not wrong. The difference between me and them is I warn you beforehand."_

"_ok…." I paused - "so. How are you going to do that?"_

"_well the sex might hurt," shawn told me._

_I looked at him; "that's all?"_

"_and I might not see you again after. Im not saying I will and im not saying I wont. Im saying. We don't know."_

"_oh. Ok. Thanks for the warning, I guess. And im used to painful sex."_

"_yeah but not consensual sex."_

_That shut me up._

"_ive known people like you. Ive even rescued 2 of them, and, a few more. The first 2, are still living. And the rest…..well. You know," shawn said._

"_yeah. I do," I said._

"_I don't want you to end up like that even if you do."_

"_youre a really confusing person," I said._

"_you have money right? For, Walgreens?"_

"_yeah, I do."_


	87. Chapter 112

_Flashback_

_Karen_

"_whered you get those boots?" Hannah asked, cornering me at school one day_

"_I. really have to get to…" I answered._

"_and those bracelets too. And what happened to your arms?" she asked._

_On my arms were cuts. There were faded ones on hers._

"_you have them too," I said._

_Id never known Hannah to cut._

"_did pam buy them for you?"_

"_no shes not trying to buy my friendship. We went shopping. At the mall," I said._

"_cmon. Even I know you don't have that much money."_

"_are you accusing me of taking them?"_

"_oh so you partially admit it then. Where were you?"_

"_what last night? I was out."_

"_no over the summer."_

"_oh."_

_The warning bell rang cutting her off._


	88. Chapter 1199999999999000000000000

_Karen_

_Early that morning I'd ended up in front of jesses. It was still dark out. And cold. And quiet. I had a few bruises on me. Shawn had taken "my" coat earlier to teach me that I couldn't just up and take other peoples things without their being consequences for it. Then hed hit me and told me to get out. Before all this wed had sex that wasn't gentle. _

_The cold stung my bruises._

_Shawn had told me he was kicking me out cause he didn't want to be with someone who took stuff._

_Id knocked on jesses front door but to no avail so then started pounding._

"_what?" he asked from inside obviously annoyed at being awoken at such an hour._

"_jesse its me!" I said._

_I heard him come across his wooden floor._

"_who the hell pounds on someones door at 1 in the morning?" he muttered not wanting an answer._

"_open up!" I said._

"_wait just a damn minute!" he yelled._

"_hey don't yell at me."_

"_you woke me up. Now give me a minute."_

"_ok," I said quietly._

_I waited in the cold trying to keep myself warm by moving. Jesse turned the overhead porch light on._

"_now. What do you want?" he asked steadily._

"_its karen. And ill tell you when you open the door," I told him._

"_oh. Ok."_

_I stood back wobbling and nearly falling in the process but didn't. my feet hurt from running all the way over here from downtown._

_The handle turned and the door clicked open. And there appeared jesse._

"_hey sorry about that I just don't really like being woken up at this hour. And nor do I appreciate it," he told me._

"_yeah trust me that's the least of my worries. But thanks."_

"_sure."_

"_now can I come in?" I said already breezing past him into the warm dark house._

_I was still shivering._

"_oh fuk its warm in here," I gasped._

"_yeah that ok?" jesse asked._

"_oh god yes. Will ya get the lights?"_

"_ok."_

_I heard him walk across the floor and turn on the lights._

"_and close the-"_

"_door yeah I got it," he said walking to it and closing and locking it._

"_thanks. Sorry to just drop by like this but you know I wouldn't if it wasn't important," I said._

"_yeah no I get it," he said looking me up and down._

_He was surprised and worried; "what the fuk happened to you?"_

"_now do you see why im so irritable?"_

"_yeah."_

_I leaned back into. Well nothing._

"_back up," he told me helpfully._

"_uh. What?"_

"_theres a wall behind you."_

"_oh ok."_

"_then ill help you to the couch. But im gonna get blankets cause. You look really cold."_

"_yeah. I am."_


	89. Chapter 130

_It was after lunch was now time for math. I was sitting by myself at a round wood table in the math room. Brian came in and sat down next to me._

_"Hey Karen," he said_

_"Oh. Hi."_

_"How are you?" he asked._

_"Um..."_

_Something in Brian's hazel eyes told me I could trust him. I was going to tell him I was fine until I saw that. I was used to being 'fine'._

_"I don't know," I continued._

_"Oh?" he asked._

_"Yeah."_

_"I know it may be none of my business but, um, are you ok? "_

_"Um well honestly no, I'm not."_

_"Did something...happen?"_

_"Yeah. It did."_

_"Oh, what?"_

_"It happened several times. My brother and stepfather have turned mean...I've lost my sense of safety. That's all I'm comfortable with right now."_

_"That's ok."_

_"Yeah. I've never really talked about it."_

_"Of course not. Who else knows?"_

_"Well, David."_

_"Oh."_

_"And now you, I guess. And apparently Alice."_

_"Mmmm."_

_Brian's younger sister Lauren came over._

_"Hey guys what's goin on?" she asked._

_Brian turned to her._

_"Oh we were just talking."_

_"Oh. What about?"_

_"It's, kinda personal."_

_"Oh. Ok."_

_We waited for the teacher to come in._

_'thanks', I mouthed to Brian._

_He smiled._

_'sure', he mouthed back._


	90. Chapter 141

_**Monday**_

_It was Monday morning on September 1, a warm fall morning. My friends Amanda, Natalie, Nancy, Hannah and I were looking up at and standing on the wide gray stone steps of Stoneybrook High, the redbrick school looming above us. We looked up at it. It was huge and right in front of and above us. People around us were filing into the school. We were right in the middle of the crowd, physically close to each other. The people were on either side, mainly students._

_"Wow it's huge," Amanda said._

_"I know," Natalie said._

_"No use standing here we might as well go on in," Nancy said._

_"I wonder if we'll see anyone we know," Hannah wondered as we went inside._

_We went through a set of tall heavy wooden doors into a small narrow entryway and then through another set into the crowded hallway. The second set of doors had windows in them. Opposite the doors we'd just come through was a tall big wide white wall. Set in the wall were 2 sets of heavy tall wooden doors which led into a large room. The people in the hall went past us into it. We couldn't tell what was going on in the room due to all the people._

_"I don't know," I said, answering Hannah's question_

_"Assembly in the auditorium," a tall young woman told us, breezing by._

_"I'm guessing that's the auditorium," I said, referring to the room._

_"Yes that's where the assembly is," Amanda said._

_"Let's go on in," Natalie said._

_"If we can," Nancy said._

_We managed to all squeeze into the auditorium and into a row of uncomfortable wooden seats in the crowded room. We sat down. There were rows and rows of wooden seats in the big room, which was cold. The seating arrangement was Amanda, Natalie, Nancy, Hannah and myself with empty seats next to us._

_"Hey, you dyed your hair," I said, looking at Hannah, whose dark brown hair was now black._

_She was wearing a short sleeve yellow button up shirt and a black skirt._

_"Yep, over the summer. Do you like it?"_

_"I love it."_

_"Oh look there's Pamela and her crowd," Amanda said, indicating them come in._

_"But who are those other girls? I don't recognize them," Natalie said._

_"Idinno she must've just met them this morning," Nancy said._

_"Wow she moves fast," Hannah said._

_"Yeah I know," I said._

_We'd only just arrive and already Pamela and Leslie were meeting new people._

_In the row in front of us, clear at the other end of the row, were sitting Bobby, Ricky and their crowd._

_Pamela came in and sat down next to me and Leslie next to her. Sitting next to Leslie was a young woman with pale skin and straight red hair, then one with straight blonde hair, then one wearing a black leather jacket over her black camisole and black jeans. She smelled like musk and had bouncy, curly black hair._

_Pamela and Leslie leaned forward, tapped Bobby and Ricky on the shoulders and started talking to them._

_"Guess they're already taken," Amanda pointed out._

_"Yeah," Natalie said._

_"Apparently," Nancy put in._

_It was well known that Pamela was a bit of a flirt. She'd flirt her way into a guy's heart. We were hoping to be able to date bobby and Ricky this year but couldn't, as Amanda'd pointed out._

_After they were done talking, Pamela turned to me. Her long brown hair was down and she was wearing a sleeveless black dress._

_"Hey Karen," she said._

_"Glad you finally decided to join us," Leslie said._

_"Um, well, we go to the same high school," Hannah said._

_"And it's not as though we've anywhere else to go right now, seeing as this is an all school assembly," I said._

_"Oh."_

_The redhaired young woman leaned towards me. She smelled of roses._

_"Hey I'm Lauren," she told me._

_"Karen," I said._

_"And this is Christy and Max."_

_"This is Nancy, Natalie, Hannah and Amanda," I told her._

_"Hi," the young woman with blonde hair said._

_The one with dark hair nodded at me._

_"Hey," she said._

_Even sitting down I could see she was taller than most of us and a lot more developed._

_Christy was wearing a light blue cardigan and a short white pleated skirt._

_"Ohh look there's Brian," Lauren said._

_She stood up._

_"Hey Brian, over here," she said, waving a tall guy with dark hair and hazel eyes over._

_He walked in and sat down in the seat in front of her._

_"Hey Lauren," he said._

_"Hi. This is Max, Christy, Pamela and Leslie."_

_"Hey," was all Max said._

_Brian shook all of their hands._

_"Wow he's so polite," Christy said._

_"I know. Mmm and pretty good looking too," Max agreed._

_"You know, I can hear you," Brian said._

_"Oh right. So you can," Christy said._

_Lauren turned to me._

_"Brian's my older brother," she said._

_"Oh. I have…4 brothers. And 2 sisters," i said_

_"Wow. I only have 1 younger sister."_

_"Oh."_

_"Yeah I'm in the middle."_

_"Hey, me too."_

_"So Brian," Max asked, leaning towards him._

_He looked at her._

_"Yes?" he asked._

_"How old are you?"_

_We could tell Max was flirting, just as Pamela, Bobby, Leslie and Ricky were. We could tell this by their body language, the way they leaned forward, made eye contact and touched the guys._

_My brother David Michael came in and sat by Ricky._

_He turned and looked at me._

_"Hi," he said._

_"Hey," I said._

_Brian looked at me, wondering how we knew each other._

_"This is my brother David," I told him._

_"Yeah, I know. He's in a couple of my classes," he answered._

_"Oh. ok."_

_"We had a chance to talk before school, which is where we met," David informed me._

_"Oh. ok."_

_"You remember my brother," I told Nancy._

_"Yeah hi," she said._

_"Hey."_

_"Hi," Hannah said._

_"Hi."_

_David looked at me._

_"How are you doing?" he asked._

_He was asking this because after our last day of middle school last year I'd abruptly up and left, going to California. I'd left to get away from my other brother and stepfather who'd turned mean over my middle school years._

_"Um, well..." I looked around the crowded auditorium wondering if we could talk at a different time and place than this._

_I didn't want to talk about what'd happened right now._

_"Lunchtime then?" he asked, taking the hint_

_"Yeah."_

_"Ok."_

_Brian looked at me, his hazel eyes asking what'd happened in reference to David's question._

_"I really don't...know you well enough...to..." I said._

_Tell him._

_"Ok well I'm a great listener if, you, ever need one."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Mmhm."_

_The auditorium was filled with the sound of chatter._

_On the stage a short, round, dark haired man, several women and 2 other men were standing. The stage was at the front of the big room._

_"Exscuse me," the man said, speaking into a microphone he was holding._

_"Exscuse me can I have your attention please?"_

_The chatter died down a bit._

_"Thank you," he said._

_"I'm Mr. Greenling, your principle. Welcome to Stoneybrook High."_

_"Well, now we know who the principle is," Amanda said._

_He introduced the people standing onstage, most of them teachers. 3 were the school guidance counselor, school psychologist and assistant principle._

_"Now before we go onto the fun stuff I have a few rules you need to follow," Mr. Greenling said._

_The rules were as follows;_

_1: the dress code will be enforced_

_"Some of us already broke that one," Max said, smiling at Lauren._

_"Yeah I know."_

_Lauren was wearing a red lace tube top, black leather mini skirt and black leather boots_

_._

_2: your grades are important_

_3: hazing will not be tolerated_

_4: there won't be any alcohol, drugs or smoking_

_"We'll just see about that," Pamela said._

_"Ohh I know," Leslie agreed._

_"And yet they fail to mention cutting, but mention drugs and alcohol," Christy said._

_"Cutting's not illegal dear," Pamela told her._

_"I know."_

_"Cutting?" Nancy asked, wondering._

_Christy pushed up the sleeve of her cardigan and showed Nancy several cuts she had on her arm, then pulled her sleeve back down._

_"Oh," was all Nancy said._

_"You do that all yourself?" Hannah asked, surprised._

_Christy looked at her._

_"Yeah. Obviously."_

_"Oh."_

_"And onto the fun stuff," Mr. Greenling said; "there'll be cheerleading and sports this year, of course, and also a school play. A pep rally at the end of each month brought to you by the cheerleaders and dance team. If anyone wants to join those or any other activities your homeroom teacher'll pass out packets with that information. She'll also give you your locker assignments, combinations and schedules."_

_We stood up, talking as we did so._

_"Your first class homeroom?" Amanda asked me._

_"Uh huh yours?" I asked._

_"Yeah."_

_"I think everyone's is," Max said._

_"Oh."_

_"What do you have after that?" Amanda asked._

_"Math then english then lunch."_

_"Oh. See you at lunch then?"_

_"Yeah."_

_My new schedule read as follows:_

_8 – 9 a.m.: homeroom_

_9 – 10 a.m.: math_

_10 – 11 a.m.: English_

_11 a.m. – 1 p.m.: lunch_

_1 – 2 p.m.: science_

_2 - 3 p.m.: film history_

_3 – 4 p.m.: psychology_

_4 – 6 p.m: dance_

_Instead of gym I had dance._


	91. Ruby

**POV: Ruby [Reba's daughter, Keisha's sister]**

"Omgyod," I said.

"What?" my friend Ariel asked leaning forward into the bathroom mirror to put her mascara on.

"Did you hear what happened?"

"No. To who?"

"Well the new girl's family. Of course. Who else is there to gossip about?" Melissa our other friend asked in between applying her lipstick.

"Oh. Ashley?" I asked.

"Yeah," Ariel answered.

"Apparently one of her sisters is sick and the other's a whore," Melissa said.

I turned to her; "that's not nice!"

She looked at me; "I meant. A professional whore."

"Oh."

"Yeah and I guess one of them doesn't eat," Ariel said.

"Yeah Amanda," Melissa said.

Our sisters Keisha, Joan, Janis and Stephanie rose were all friends w/ the new girl Ashley's sister Amanda.

"Yeah and apparently she cuts too. I think a few of her sisters also do," I said.

"I know I've seen the cuts," Ariel said, confirming it.

"Well. I mean. she does make it kindof obvious," Melissa said.

"Kindof?" I asked my eyebrows raised.

"Good point," Ariel said.

"I guess she doesn't care though," Melissa said.


	92. Chapter 114

_**Hannah Nancy Natalie**_

_"Karen's been kind of distant lately," Hannah said._

_"Yeah. We used to be so close," Nancy said._

_"I remember," Natalie said._

_"We haven't seen her all sunner," Hannah put in._

_"The day after middle school graduation she left. Went to California, or something," Nancy reported._

_"Yeah. And then she's come back and is completely changed. All of a sudden she's friends with Pamela and Leslie," Natalie said._

_"I never thought the day would come," Hannah added._

_"But it did. But why Pamela? She was always mean. And popular..." Nancy began._

_"Beautiful, in all those ads and tv commercials. Has this big house," Natalie said._

_"Yeah. I haven't seen much of Amanda either," Hannah said._

_"I know," Nancy agreed._

_She stood up._

_"Well. I have to get to my meeting," she said, referring to the meeting the students in the school play had._

_"Bye," Hannah and Natalie chorused._


	93. Where

_Christy, Leslie, Cassandra, Alice, Edward, Bella, Brian, David and I were all sitting at lunch._

_"Hey where's Karen?" Christy asked._

_"Idinno," Leslie said._

_"Yeah I haven't seen her all morning," Cassandra said._

_"Oh she left," Alice informed us._

_"She did? When was this? To where?" I asked, surprised._

_"To London," Edward said._

_"Um why?"_

_"Boarding school," Bella said._

_"For how long?" Brian asked._

_"Untill she gets out and no one knows how long that will be."_

_"Oh."_

_"Wow that was quick," Christy said._

_"Yeah she's not even here 2 months and then she has to leave," Leslie said._


	94. Marie: Monday

Again, this was inspired by Emily-Jade's 'Teenage Whore'.

POV: Marie

When I got to school that day I could barely make it through the front doorway bc on either side were 2 girls holding stacks of papers in their arms and handing them out as the students went into the other students ahead of me went into the school.

"Would you like a newspaper?" one of the girls asked me when id approached her.

"Yeah hi what's this?" I asked.

"You must be new here it's the school paper."

Oh.

I was, in fact, new.

"Oh. How much?"

"Um. It's free."

"Oh. Ok."

I took one; "thanks."

And went into the school.

I looked down at the paper and immediately wished I hadn't. Above the photo someone had taken of jimi and I kissing was the headline 'school whore' in all caps.

"Omygod. Who took this photo? We have never kissed in school," I wondered allowed.

Around the school on the walls were posters of that exact photo and headline.

"Babe I didn't do it!" I heard a male voice say.

"And I'm supposed to believe that?" a female voice replied.

"Yes in fact you are."

"scuse me coming through thank you. Where's a damn door that doesn't have a crowd in front of it?" he muttered.

A girl taller than me came up to me. She had light brown hair.

"Oh so you're the one who's been fuking my man," she said.

"We didn't do anything!" I protested.

"Not in school anyway but everyone knows you're a whore. Even moreso know that we know you're from Paris. I bet that's how you made money," a blonde said.

"My personal life is none of your damn business!"

"Oh the whore can talk. What else can ya do can ya give us some sugar? Cause we really want some of your sugar. How are your. 'crepes'."

"Joan, Melissa cmon be nice to her you barely know her," another blonde w/ feathery hair told them.

The brunette turned to her; "well we know she's a whore."

"Yeah and you're going to judge her for that? I could dig up some stuff on you Joan and post it in the paper."

"shutup Cherie."

"Turns out. Chick's got an STD," a black girl said.

"How….can…what…who….?" I said shocked.

"Omygod it's true. Look she's not even denying it. Stay away from her."

I looked around frantically in search of a noncrowded door.

"Come with me," the feathery blonde said grabbing my hand.

"Uh. Ok," I said not having much of a choice.

She led me down the hall.

I was so. Humiliated.

* * *

When I got outside it was empty except for jimi who was pacing and swearing.

"Hey I gotta get to class but if you ever need anything again um. Tell me. Er, I mean let me know," the feathery blonde said.

"Right got that," I said.

"Oh. I'm Cherie btw."

"Marie."

She left.

"I am. So. Damn. Humiliated," jimi said looking up.

"Yeah I know me too. I didn't know this could happen. Here."

He peered at me; "you're new here aren't you?"

"Well yeah no shit man. You sound just like the girl I took got the paper from."

"Oh. Sorry. This hasn't been exactly on me either. So what do you wanna do?"

"Well. I'm. Kindof afraid to go back in there," I said.

"I know somewhere safe we can go."

"Ok."

He started walking away from the school.

"We're walking?" I asked in surprise.

"Yeah unless you wanna drive. And have them track us."

"Well. Melissa might. She's quite capable of doing that. Ya know."

"Well I do now. Dude I'm 14 I cant drive."

"I meant. Unless you want me, to drive," jimi said.

"Oh. Not really unless you want to."

"No not really."

"Ok so then we're walkin."


	95. Leela

_**Leela**_

_It was the day I went off to college. My mom, Pamela and I had just entered my dorm room. Dad hadn't come. I hadn't wanted him to. The day was bright, warm and sunny._

_On the bed opposite the empty one, which I assumed was mine, a brunette stood, her back to us. She was straightening the pillows She was beautiful, my height.. Thin but not to thin. In black pants and a white shirt stretched across her large chest. She turned when she sensed us._

_"Oh hi, she said, smiling._

_She had a slight accent._

_"Hi," I said._

_"I'm Astrid. From Sweden. We're roommates."_

_"I'm Leela. This is my sister Pamela and my mom."_

_"Nice to meet you," Mom said, leaning forward and shaking her hand._

_"You too."_

_"Um. Where's the bathroom?" Pamela asked._

_"Down the hall."_

_Pamela left._

_"Always good to know where the bathroom is," Mom said._

_I made note of this._

_"Yeah," Astrid agreed._

_"So. Who's in charge around here?"_

_"Oh we have 2 dorm mothers Miss…"_

_"Adele call me Adele."_

_"ok. Abby and Hailey. They're really cool in their late 20's early 30's. 3 meals a day are served in the cafeteria. The kitchen's always open. We all do the grocery shopping," Astrid rattled off._

_"Ok. I'd like to meet them."_

_"Right now they're talking with another resident."_

_"Ok."_

_"Drugs aren't allowed but drinking is if you're 21. How old are you?" Astrid asked me._

_"19."_

_"Oh. If a resident wants to have a guest they need to tell Abby or Hailey. There are laundry facilities in each of the dorms."_

_As Astrid talked I realized the dorm was more like a small house than an actual dorm. The bedrooms were upstairs and the living room and kitchen were down. There were bathrooms on each floor_

_I was a little worried about leaving Pamela with Dad. About a week earlier her girlfriend Karen had gone off to a boarding school._

_I noticed she – Pamela – hadn't come back from the bathroom._

_"Excuse me," I said, leaving the room and going down the hall into the bathroom._

_"Pamela?" I called once inside._

_"Yeah?"_

_"Honey what's wrong?"_

_She came out of a stall looking upset._

_"I….I'm gonna miss you a lot."_

_"Yeah I'm gonna miss you too."_

_"And. I'm worried about being alone with Dad."_

_"Yeah I'm worried about that too."_

_"I wish I could stay here with you."_

_"Me too."_

_We walked down the hall and back into the room._

_Mom was talking with 2 brunettes, my height, a few years older. One had curly hair the other straight. She was in a short gray sweater dress and purple flats. The other in black pants and a black vest over a white shirt._

_Astrid was talking with Melissa, the older sister of Pamela's friend Christy._

* * *

_-XXX-_

_I was sitting on my bed thumbing through a magazine when Astrid came in._

_"Hey you comin to ballet?" she asked._

_"No no," I answered._

_"Well…..can I pick you up something for dinner? Because otherwise I'm going to go out."_

_"No it's fine."_

_"You sure?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Ok."_

_She left._

_A few minutes later Abby came into the room._

_"Honey you have to eat," she told me._

_"No. I don't."_

_She came closer and sat on the edge of my bed._

_"leela what is this really about?" she asked._

_"I just haven't felt up to doing much lately."_


	96. Chapter 711

POV: marie

When we arrived at a tall white house jimi took out a key and unlocked the door.

"um. You live here?" I asked.

"well sometimes," he told me; "well are you gonna stand there or you gonna come in?"

"are we allowed?"

"really? I have a key like im really gonna break in w/ a key."

"oh. Right."

He opened the door and let me in. in front of us was a big entryway and living room. On the couch was a blonde woman lying down.

The door closed behind us.

"Janis that you honey?" the woman asked.

"no its me," jimi said.

"oh. Hi."

"what are you doin home so early?"

"I had a headache and then I got sick and Kerry had to come pick me up."

"oh."

"I took Advil but that didn't really help."

"oh. Where's Kerry?"

"work."

"oh. Hey um. I brought someone. Back home. W/ me."

"didn't we just talk to you about safe sex? This morning."

"no its not. Like that."

"oh. Ok."

"this was the safest place I could think of. And. Janis isn't here."

"yall havin problems?" the woman asked.

"what's it sound like Haley?"

"oh."

She tried to sit but was having trouble.

"here ill help," jimi said going over to the couch and carefully helping her up.

"mmm thanks."

I smiled and was also pained by how careful he was w/ her.

Now that she was sitting I saw she was wearing a white tennis outfit.

"hi im Haley. Janis' mom?" she introduced.

"yeah I know her. We didn't exactly get off to the best starts. Oh. Sorry," I apologized thinking she might not want to hear this about her own daughter.

Jimi looked my way; "its ok you can be honest here."

"oh um. Ok."

"honey you don't have to be so timid. Come sit," Haley told me.

"open your mouth. That usually helps w/ headaches and that usually helps w/ tension," jimi told her.

She opened her mouth a little and he carefully ran his hands along the back of her neck; "yeah. Its tension. When Kerry gets home ill ask her to. Um."

"yeah. I got it," Haley said.

"ok."

"and who is this young lady?"

"she's my-" jimi said.

"im. His. A friend from school," I replied.

"well, welcome haven't seen you around much."

"yeah im, fairly new to the school. Im Marie."

"its nice to meet you. Do you want some tea or something?" Haley began getting up.

"no ill get it for her," jimi said standing; "and some water for you."

He went into the kitchen.

"he's just so nice," I said surprised.

"yeah he's a sweet guy. Do you have any siblings?" Haley asked.

"well my mom. She. Left back in Paris."

"oh. And your dad?"

"I. don't really know."

"oh," Haley was surprised.

"so for the past year ive been living w/ Karen and I don't know if you know Jesse?"

"yeah vaguely. We've met. So what brought you here?"

"well jimi did since as you've heard its apparently safe here."

"its not safe where you live?"

"its not that its just. Incredibly busy and crazy."

"oh."

"yeah we came from school actually."

"I figured."

"I stepped inside and immediately wished I hadn't since, I was rather humiliated by something someone your daughter had posted in the paper. Oh and the thing is she somehow knew something that only jimi, you and your wife know. I don't wanna go back there."

"and you don't have to. Not today. But I do have to call your dad and tell him you're here that you're safe. I won't tell him what happened."

"ok."

She stood and left.

Jimi came back in w/ a glass of water.

"hey where'd she go?" he asked setting it down on the coffee table.

"to call dad."

"oh. Your tea will be ready in a few."

"that's fine."

"are you. Ok. I mean I don't think you've never been humiliated like that before."

"no I mean. I didn't have a lot of friends back in Paris and I didn't go to school, so."

"mmm right."

"but. Not every one of my clients was nice.

"no I know."

"oh ok. You're so nice."

"marie," he said sitting, "im not exactly gonna be mean."

"and haley seems nice too."

"yeah shes great."

"how long have you known them?"

"at least 10 years though it feels like longer."

I smiled.

He sat back against the couch and took me w/ him.


	97. Chapter 9

_**Pam**_

_I was sitting in the big green park across the street from the big tall red brick high school. It was the school day but I, of course, wasn't in school. I'd just recently gotten news that Karen had been sent to boarding school. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to. We'd spent so much time together. At parties in school after school. In between when she wasn't working. We'd become more than friends since high school had started. We'd grown closer. When I told her she'd do a great job at the club, I didn't just mean others would find her beautiful, sexually attractive. I meant I did. And she was. I knew she hated being called beautiful, because of her stepfather. Mine was the same way. That's one thing that brought us closer together. Of course, half the time we'd kissed we'd been inebriated. The Cullens had tried to get ahold of her but hadn't found much, since the boarding school had very tight security._


	98. Chapter 10

_Pam_

_The next morning at 9 my mom came into m room._

"_pam," she said, "cmon get up. Youre 2 hours late to school. Which means…im 2 hours late to work."_

"_im not going," I said._

"_what?"_

"_im not going."_

"_why did something happen?"_

"_yes karen left"_

"_karen your….friend karen?"_

"_my girlfriend, and yes."_

"_girlfriend?"_

"_yes."_


	99. Chapter 121111111111122222222222

_**Jesse**_

_When I got home that night I checked my email. I scrolled down the list, seeing several from my parents and my friends from art school. There was one from Anna and one from an address I didn't recognize. I opened it. It was from Karen. I read it and then got up. I threw on my coat and shoved my large feet into my hiking boots. I grabbed my keys and phone and headed out the door of my place and downtown. When I got there, I walked up and down several frozen white alleyways, shining my phone along the snow piles. I was searching for Karen's clothes. After about an hour of doing so I found her unconscious on her long black wool coat, which was on a pile of snow. She was covered in bruises, cuts, scar and track marks. I took off my coat and put it around her. I lifted her up. She was light. I flipped open my phone and called a cab company. After a few minutes the cab arrived. I opened the second side door, the one behind the passenger side, and slipped Karen into the backseat. I got into the front with the coat she'd been wearing. I gave the cabby, who was Mexican, my address and we drove to my place. When we arrived I paid the cabby then got out of the cab. I went to the back where I brought Karen into my house and set her on the white living room couch, which had washable cushions. I went back outside and closed the door I'd left open. I leaned into the passenger side and gave the cabby an extra 20, even though I'd already paid him 40. The 20 was for Karen. The cabby took it. I closed the door. The cabby drove off._

_I turned and walked back into my house. Once inside I closed the front door and went into the bathroom, where I turned the hot water on. I got Karen out of her clothes, trying not to look at her. I told her what I was doing as I was doing it, though she probably wouldn't remember when she woke up. I doubted she remembered shooting up or drinking. Or cutting, she was so plowed. i left her clothes in the living room and brought her into the bathroom, where i put her carefully in the now filled bathtub. i turned the water off and left the bathroom, closing the door behind me._

_I went back to the living room where I gathered her clothes and the sofa cushions. I went down the hall where I put them in the washing machine and started the laundry. I then went upstairs to my room, where I resumed reading my email._

_As I skimmed down the list I saw some emails from Kate and a few from my friends back in art school. They were from all over; Paris, London, Orlando and New York, among other places. They all wanted me to come visit them. We'd been keeping in contact over the past few years._


	100. Chapter 10666666667777777

_**Karen**_

_I was 17._

_I was 17. Jesse and I were sitting side by side on a uncomfortable black metal bench in Hyde Park. We were in London, bundled up in warm clothing, as it was cold. We were each drinking a cup of hot chocolate. The sky was gray._

_A woman not much older than us, with long red hair spilling out of the black velvet hood of her long black velvet cape, walked towards us. She was holding a baby wrapped in a small black velvet cape._

_"Hello," the woman said, in a quiet English accent._

_We were used to random people saying 'hi' to us. We'd discovered that London was a very friendly city._

_"Hey," Jesse said._

_"Hi," I said._

_"Mind if I sit?" she asked, indicating the bench._

_"No, not at all."_

_Jesse and I split apart to make room for the woman, who sat between us. With 3 people on the bench it was crowded._

_"Ohhh she's darling," I said looking at the baby, who was asleep._

_"Thank you. This is Rose. I'm Emerald," the woman replied._

_"Rose?" Jesse questioned._

_"Yes. You know, like the flower?"_

_"Mmm. And Emerald is for...?"_

_"Ireland. My grandmother's from Ireland."_

_"Would you like some hot chocolate?" I asked, noticing she didn't have any._

_I handed her mine and she smiled warmly._

_"Thank you love."_

_It was then that I noticed her amethyst earrings._

_"Those are beautiful earrings," I told her._

_"Thank you. They're my grandmother's."_

_Rose yawned sleepily._

_"If anything ever happens to Rose will you take care of her?" the woman asked._

_"But...we don't even know you," I pointed out._

_"I know. But the stars led me here."_

_"My dad says that," Jesse said._

_And with that, the woman smiled mysteriously and vanished._

* * *

_London_

_It was later that day. Jesse and I were in our flat sitting on the couch drinking hot chocolate. Again. The heat was on. It was quiet. Outside it was cold._

"_so that was weird," he said._

"_yeah I know," I replied._

"_it was nice of you to give her your drink."_

"_well, the woman was cold and obviously a young mother. Its not like I was exactly going to be rude to her. I mean we are in London."_

"_people are really polite here."_

"_yeah its weird. Bc people arent nice in the states. Er. That is," I faltered._

_Jesse smiled; "no I get it."_

"_ok."_

"_but people don't just randomly ask you to take care of their children if they don't know you. Not if theyre not somehow related or a close friend."_

"_yeah that was weird."_

"_I wonder why she chose us."_

"_she said the stars led her."_

"_besides that I mean."_

"_oh."_


	101. Chapter 12555

_**Karen**_

_It was night. Jesse and I were at a carnival, wandering around. There were booths set up under white tents, in aisles. Carnivalgoers were passing by. Men at booths were shouting, advertising. The smell of food was in the air._

_I looked to my right and saw a dark purple booth a few booths down, with a sign outside advertising a psychic._

_"Cmon," I said, taking Jesse's hand, "let's go see the psychic."_

_"Ok."_

_We made our way towards the booth._

_"Ah, just the people I wanted to see. Come in, sit down," the lady inside said._

_She led us to a small round table. She sat on one side and we sat on the other._

_"Something terrible is going to happen to your family. Several terrible things," she told us._

_"But...we're in high school," I pointed out._

_Unlike some high school students, we hadn't had sex._

_She had white skin and long curly black hair. She was wearing a long, long sleeve v neck white dress._

_"When you're older," she clarified._

_"Oh."_

_"Luna. A rose. Paris," she told us._

_"The moon?" Jesse asked._

_We both knew 'luna' meant 'moon' in Italian._

_"No. A cat. Fires, many fires. Hospitals, doctors. Blood. The rose has red hair."_

_It took me a minute to realise she didn't mean the flower._

_"Bones, alcohol. You'll die relatively young. Oh. And a lily. My daughter."_


	102. Chapter 13777777777

_It was time for psychology. The teacher was sitting on her desk when we came in. We sat down._

_"Hello everyone," she said smiling; "how was everyone's weekend?"_

_We gave different answers._

_"This weekend I planted pumpkins with my sister and her kids. She's a kindergarten teacher. Did everyone do the homework?"_

_Most of us handed our papers to the person sitting at the front of each row. I, however, didn't._

_"Karen, did you?" the teacher asked._

_"I, uh, no. no I didn't."_

_"Oh. I'll need to see you after class."_

_"Ok."_

_Several of the class members informed the rest of us how they felt the first assignment went, which was very informative._

_Our next assignment was to pick someone in the class and interview them then makde a video about them and their life. The teacher said she'd ask us if it was ok to before she showed the videos in class._

_Soon enough the bell rang._

_"Karen, you stay. The rest of you can go," the teacher said._

_The rest ofthe class filed out._

_"I'll see you at lunch," Christy called._

_"Ok," I called back._

_After the class had filed out the teacher approached me and sat down in a seat across from me._

_"Karen," she said._

_"Ye yes?" I asked._

_"I noticed you didn't do the homework."_

_"Um. No."_

_"Why?"_

_"I had a fairly busy weekend. And, I was sick."_

_"Cold?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"You need to make up the assignment by Friday."_

_"Ok."_

_I walked out of the class and fell into step with a guy my height who was well muscled. He had dark, slightly wavy hair that fell to his shoulders._

_"Hey," he said._

_"Oh. Hi," I returned._

_"What do you have next?"_

_"Um, history. You?"_

_"Algebra. I'm Tom, by the way."_

_"Oh. I'm Karen."_

_"You're in my psychology class."_

_"Which, we're leaving."_

_"I was wondering..." Tom said._

_"Yes?"_

_"Is it ok if I, uh, interview you? For the, you know. Assignment."_

_"Yeah."_

_"Do you have plans for lunch?"_

_"Yes, I'm having lunch with my friend Christy."_

_"Ok. I'll see you then."_

_"Yeah, see you."_

_We went our seperate ways._


	103. Chapter 1388888888

_It was 7 a.m. Tuesday morning. I, once again, woke up depressed. The smells of waffles and bacons wafted up from the kitchen downstairs._

_"Karen breakfast!" my mom called._

_I rolled over and looked at my alarm, clock the digitial bright red numbers announcing it was 7._

_What the hell happened last night, I wondered._

_I realised I had to be at school in an hour and swung my legs over the side of my bed. I stood up._

_"I can't I have to be at school in an hour," I called._

_"What?" Mom asked._

_"She doesn't have time," I heard my stepdad tell her._

_"Oh."_

_"I don't have time," I called._

_I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, to get away from my stepdad._

_"It's important for you to have breakfast," Mom called._

_"I'll get something on the way."_

_"Well...ok."_

_Which I knew she didn't approve of._


	104. Chapter 1399999999999

_When we got upstairs Pamela led us down the hall to Brian's parents' room._

_"And here," she said, opening the door, "we are."_

_We went inside. She closed and locked the door behind us._

_"Mind if I turn off the lights?" she asked._

_Even though I was tipsy I still didn't like the dark._

_"Please keep them...on," I replied, managing to form a complete sentence._

_"Oh. Ok."_

_"I'm still dizzy."_

_"Yeah you're gonna be dizzy for a long time hun."_

_Pamela led us to the bed, where we laid down next to each other._

_She put her mouth near mine._

_"Pamela," I said._

_"Yeah hun?"_

_"Don't."_

_"But, I...don't you..."_

_"No, it's not that I'm not interested in you, because I am. Oh god you have no idea how gorgeous you are."_

_"But?"_

_I sat up, followed by a head rush. I breathed in._

_"Oh god," I said._

_"Head rush?" Pamela asked._

_I nodded. her eyes were huge._

_"Lie back."_

_"Ok."_

_And I did so._

_"Pamela I...I was...my stepdad...um, he..."_

_"It happened to you too didn't it," she stated._

_"What?"_

_"Their hands in your hair, telling you how gorgeous you are...night after night...always being afraid..."_

_"Yeah. It did. How'd ya know?"_

_"Word gets around Karen. It gets, around."_

_"Well I guess so it certainly does."_

_"And. It happened to me too."_

_"Oh. My god. I had no idea."_

_"Not a lot of people do."_

_"Same."_

_"When did it start?" I asked her_

_"When did what start?"_

_"The...um, you know."_

_"Oh. Way early on."_

_"Oh Pamela._

_"Yeah first my dad, who died, and then...my mom's new husband...Leela's string of boyfriends...Ryan..."_

_"Oh wow. Jeez."_

_"Yeah. I know. And you?"_

_"Um well over the years it increased."_

_"Oh."_

_I suddenly felt really dizzy and really sick._

_"Omygod!" i said, sitting up my hand over my mouth._

_Pamela looked at me worriedly._

_"Karen?" she asked._

_"Where...where's the bathroom?"_

_I swung my legs over the bed onto the light carpeted floor._

_"It's the door next to this room, down...in the hallway."_

_"Ohk."_

_"Is it something I said? Did? Didn't do?"_

_"No I it's the..no."_

_"Ok."_

_I ran rather unsteadily out of the room and into the bathroom where I promptly passed out._


	105. Chapter 140000000000

_It was later that day and Pamela, Leslie, Lauren, Christy and I were at the modeling place. They were in the dressing room, sitting on the long white rectangular leather couches, eating snacks and drinking lemonade and water. I was sitting against the door in one of the white bathroom._

_My film canister was lying on its side to my right. My arms were lined with cuts and track marks but there were still some open places._

_I reached into my film canister and took out the razorblade._

_As I cut I thought about things._

_Over the past few days and weeks I'd not only started cutting but also started shooting up, thanks to the girl I'd met at the party, and having drunken sex with random guys. I never thought, after this summer, I'd be having sex. But when you're drunk, you don't think about those kind of things. Well. You don't think anyhow._

_I'd spend the summer in California. Santa Monica, to be exact. Left right after middle school graduation. I knew something had changed but I wasn't sure what. Santa Monica had been bright, warm and sunny and seemed so far away right now._

_My brother David drove me there and then returned back to Connecticut. He was the only one who knew what happened._

_But now, a few months later, Pamela knew, and I think Christy suspected something. I never thought Pamela and I would end up being friends...or more._

_When we were little, Hannah, Nancy and I said we'd be friends forever. That had changed._

_I hadn't seen Amanda at all. Back in middle school, she'd told us shed be going to the same high school we were all going to._

_I never thought high school would be this hard. And it wasn't even winter break yet._


	106. Chapter 128

**Aunt Anna**

_When I got home from school that day something was different. The house was quieter than usual. I put my backpack on the floor._

_"Mom!" I called going through the living room into the kitchen, "I'm home."_

_She wasn't in the kitchen._

_"Mom?" I asked going into the backyard where she also wasn't._

_I went back inside the house and through the bathrooms on the first floor and guest room._

_I climbed the stairs and went down the hall to her room which was closed and locked. I thought she might've been asleep. I wanted to talk to her about my day. I thought about something id heard once about lockpicking. I took a hairpin out of my long dark hair and picked the lock of my mom's bedroom door. All the lights were off and the shades were drawn. I went over to my mom who was spread across her bed seemingly asleep. But I got the feeling she was more than just asleep. I looked down and in her hand was a bottle of sleeping pills. I immediately checked her pulse; good. She was still alive. But for how long? How many had she taken and how long ago? I paced the wooden floor thinking of what to do. Then it came to me. Call an ambulance of course. I called one on my phone and they said they'd be there in a matter of minutes. I then phoned Jesse who said he'd be on the first flight out. He was in college in new york. I stayed with mom until the ambulance came._


	107. Chapter 127777

_**Jesse**_

_It was a cold gray winter's day in New York. I was in my early 20's, sitting on the rectangular white sofa in the living room of the small apartment I shared with Mark, drawing. White snow was softly falling past the windows. Mark was at work. It was quiet and somewhat warm in the living room._

_My cell rang, startling me. I looked at the electric blue screen, seeing my sister's name in white letters; Anna._

_"Yeah?" I asked flipping it open._

_"Jesse?" she asked, sounding scared._

_"Yeah?"_

_"Um..."_

_"Out with it Anna."_

_"Ok, well...Dad died. In the hospital last night. He'd had too much to drink and..."_

_"Wha...what?"_

_The pencils slid off the rectangular cushions and onto the wood floor._

_"He's dead Jesse."_

_"I...omygod."_

_I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to._

_"Jesse?" my sister's voice asked._

_"I..."_

_I collected my thoughts._

_"When's the funeral?" I asked._

_"We don't know. You need to come here as soon as you can."_

_"Oh...ok. How's Mom?"_

_"She's, um, she's not good."_

_"I'll see you in a few days."_


	108. Chapter 129

_It was a week later, a Friday. I was finally finished with my classes and Mark and I were watching tv, playing Scrabble, eating takeout and drinking wine with Lacy and Raven. My phone lit up._

_"Hold on," I said, picking it up and standing._

_"Ok," Mark said._

_I stood, flipped the phone open and went into the bedroom._

_"Yeah?" I asked._

_"Jesse?" Anna asked._

_"Uh huh?"_

_I closed the white door and sat down on the large white bed._

_"Um."_

_"What?"_

_"Well..."_

_"Anna."_

_She breathed; "Mom's in the hopital."_

_"She...shit why?"_

_"She swallowed sleeping pills. Can you come home?"_

_"Yeah I'll be on the first flight out."_

_"Ok."_

_We hung up and I went back into the living room._

_"Yeah?" Mark asked lookng up from his spot on the floor._

_"I have to go home," I informed him._

_"Why?" Lacy asked, also looking up._

_"Mom swallowed sleeping pills."_

_"Omygod," Raven said._

_"Why?" Mark asked._

_"Idinno. I told Anna I'd be on the first flight out. I have to pack. I'm sorry."_


	109. Chapter 13333

_I was 23. it was late July, the day after what would've been Kate's 21st birthday. I was sitting out in our backyard, smoking. Both Kate and Anna'd died a few years ago. Anna'd outlived Kate by 6 years. I was 18 when Kate'd died, and Anna, a few weeks back._

_Inside, I heard Mom and Dad yelling._

_"What the hell are you doing Brian?" Mom asked Dad._

_"Sara, just give me the bottle of wine."_

_"No. You've already had enough beer."_

_"But I need it."_

_"You only _think _you need it."_

_Ever since Kate'd died Dad had become an alcoholic._

_I stood up and walked quickly inside where I smelled vomit in the bathroom. I walked towards the smell and found Dad in the small white bathroom, bent over the white toilet, as Kate had been so many times before._

_"Dad!" I yelled; "what the hell is the matter with you? You're going to die of alcohol poisoning eventually. Do you want to end up like Kate?"_

_Mom looked at me from her spot by the doorframe and gasped._

_"Jesse," she said, shocked._

_"What? It's going to kill him eventually we both know that Mom."_

_"I want to go to t he store," Dad mumbled._

_"I'll drive you," I said._

_Dad'd been out of work because of his drinking. Mom'd told me not to let him drive anywhere, since he'd been drinking so much._

* * *

_When dad and I got in the car I asked him where he wanted to go._

"_martin Ellis," he told me ._

_It was a popular liquor store._

"_no," I said._

"_alrite then the bar."_

"_only if you drink water."_

"_don't tell me what to do youre not my dad."_

"_well I might as well be," I muttered._

"_what?" dad asked._

"_nothing."_

"_don't talk to me like that. Let me drive."_

"_no. youre not driving drunk."_

"_im not drunk."_

"_you've been drinking till 1 this afternoon. So yes youre drunk."_


	110. Chapter 136

_**Jesse**_

_I was in my early 20's and had just entered the door of Mark and I's apartment. He was on the couch next to Lacy, watching Seinfeld._

_"Hey," I said, dropping my bag on the floor._

_"Hey Jess," Mark said, turning his dark head from the sofa._

_"Hey," Lacy said._

_I went around to the other side of the couch. Mark and Lacy scooted over so I could sit next to Lacy._

_"I invited Lacy up hope you don't mind," Mark told me._

_"Yeah I noticed."_

_Between us, Lacy giggled._

_"How was class?" she asked me, regarding art class._

_"Ok. Long."_

_I was currently working on a sculpture of a woman trapped inside a guitar._

_"How'd the playing go?" Mark asked, nodding at my black guitar case._

_Some days after class I went down to the subway stations and played guitar._

_"Ok. Didn't make much."_

_"Got dinner plans?"_

_"We could order something."_

_"Oh but we _always_ order something. Why don't we go out?" Lacy suggested._

_"Ok."_

_It was around 6 p.m._


	111. Chapter 137

_**Aunt Kate**_

_I'd woken up that night because I felt sick. I didn't want to bother Mom, who was sleeping. Dad was at work._

_When I woke up I was bleeding and knew I needed platelets which meant I needed to go to the hospital._

_I made my way out our front door to Jesse's apartment. He lived above our house. The night was dark and cold. When I got to my brother's front door I knocked on it. _

_There wasn't an answer but maybe he was asleep. I knocked again. And again, there wasn't an answer._

_"Jesse," I said, turning the knob: "I need to go to the hosp-"_

_I stopped midsentence._

_Because there was my brother, lying unconscious on his living room floor. An empty bottle of Jack Daniels was a few inches from his hand. There was another one next to him_


	112. Chapter 140

_**Jesse**_

_After Kate died Mom was never the same. Neither was Dad, who started drinking. He didn't know how to deal with Kate's death. Mom grew very depressed, even quitting her job as a lawyer. Anna was still living at home. For days Mom would shut herself up in her room. Dad would spend countless hours at the bar downtown. When he got home he usually passed out on the couch. Neither of them talked much, either to each other or to us. Both Mom's sisters, Aunt Kelly and Aunt Suzanne, had moved in to help. I'd gone to art school in New York but had moved back into the house when Anna called and informed me Mom was at the hospital due to having swallowed sleeping pills._


	113. Chapter 143

_Finally, it was lunchtime. Students were filing out of classes, quickly crowding the hallway. Max looked at me as we left class._

_"Hey wanna have lunch with us?" she asked as we were walking out._

_"No I've ...already made plans."_

_"Oh ok, later then."_

_"Yeah see you."_

_She went off._

_"Karen!" I heard a male voice call._

_I looked up and saw David Michael and Brian walking down the hall towards me, talking. They were the same height, a few inches taller than i. David had light brown hair and eyes. David told Brian something and he nodded, then went his seperate way._

_David and I walked towards each other, joining in the middle._

_"Hi how'd it go?" he asked, looking at me._

_I looked at him: "Hi, ok, you?"_

_"Same."_

_"Oh."_

_We started walking down the hall._

_"So, back to my original question," he said when we'd reached the set of big gray metal double doors at the end of the hallway._

_"Yeah?" I asked, pushing one open._

_"How, are you doing?"_

_He pushed the door in front of him open as well._

_"Well . . ." I began hesitantly._

_He looked at me; "yes?"_

_"I nearly freaked in homeroom."_

_"Oh jeez Karen what happened?" he asked._

_We walked out into the warm sunlight._

_"It came on suddenly...with Andrew and...and...you...you know," I said, trying to gain control of my voice._

_Despite the warmth I was shivering._

_"Come. Let's sit down somewhere..." David looked around; "quiet."_

_We walked past groups of people already sitting on the big lawn of the school, all shouting my name._

_"I, I'm sorry, I can't...they..." I said._

_Know._

_"I know," David said, slowly reaching out his hand, asking._

_I shook my head. He pulled his hand back towards him._

_"I know," he repeated, understanding._

_We went across the lawn, street and into the park. Edward, Alice and Bella were sitting in the shade of a large tree._

_"Karen!" I heard Alice call._

_I shook my head._

_"Come, join us," she waved us over._

_"No, not today," David called back while my head was still lowered._

_"Oh ok."_

_We walked past them and further into the park. As we passed them, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a thin young woman who with long blonde hair flowing down her back, a tall dark haired guy built like a football player and a tall thin guy with longer lighter hair; they were all sitting in the shade of the tree, talking. The woman was wearing a long silver dress._

_Once David and I were in the park and not many people were within hearing range, we sat down._

_"Did you bring lunch?" David asked, not really expecting an answer._

_I shook my head my long blonde hair falling._

_"No."_

_"Oh. Well, do you want any of mine?"_

_"No...no."_

_Ever since I'd lost my sense of safety due to my other brother and stepfather, I hadn't had much of an appetite._

_"Ok," David replied._

_He unwrapped his lunch, which was a peanut butter and banana sandwich, a coke and 2 chocolate chip cookies._

_"So," he asked, looking at me._

_"Yeah?" I asked, looking at him._

_"What exactly happened earlier today?"_

_"Oh that."_

_"Yes, Karen. That."_

_"Well, for some odd reason, I went back to their hands...Andrew's and and...they were so. Big. You know how much they loved my hair."_

_Retelling him this made me a little upset._

_"Yeah. I do. They've been banned, Karen," David reminded me._

_"Yeah from the state. Not from the country," I countered._

_"Oh, and that scares...you..."_

_"Scares me, yes."_

_It'd scared me when it happened, and still did._

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah I know."_

_"What else happened this morning?" David asked._

_"I met 3 new students."_

_"Oh?"_

_"Yes."_

_By this time David was eating his sandwich._

_"Bella, Edward and Alice."_

_"Oh?"_

_"Yeah. I think they're in my homeroom."_

_"Yeah I think Brian and Edward are in a few of my classes, as well as Jasper," David told me._

_"Oh."_

_"Is that them sitting over there?" David asked, indicating the people under the tree._

_"Yeah that's them."_

_"Thought so."_

_"Have a lot of homework?" I asked._

_"Yeah, some. You?" he asked._

_"No, not yet. But it's only lunchtime so we'll see."_

_We'd see how much the both of us acquired by the end of the day._


	114. Chapter 144

_It was 7 p.m. a few hours later. Pamela, Leslie, Lauren, Christy, Max and I were sitting at a square table in the mall food court. Other people were sitting at the tables around us._

_"Karen," Pamela said._

_"Yeah?" I asked._

_"First, before we let you into our group, you'll need to go through initiation."_

_"Ohk…" I said._

_"And that is today," Leslie informed me._

_"Oh, um, when?"_

_"Right now. Actually it'll be in a few minutes," Lauren said._

_"Alrite now what do I have to do?" I asked._

_"What you have to do is…you have to go into that store," Pamela said, pointing to a nearby store; "and get some make up for us."_

_"Ok sounds easy enough. Let me get out my wallet…."_

_Max laughed; "oh god wow."_

_Christy reached over and put her hand on the table._

_She looked at me; "no dear believe us you won't be needing that."_

_"But how am I supposed to pay for it?" I asked._

_"That's the entire point. You're not," Max said._

_"Oh wow."_

_I was surprised._

_"You don't pay for things when you shoplift them," Pamela said._

_"Oh god."_

_"That is exactly the reason they call it shoplifting," Leslie said._

_"And whatever you do, don't get caught," Lauren told me._

_"Also, don't look suspicious," Christy said._

_"But, won't that be hard? I mean, not to?" I asked._

_Max smiled; "not if you're not a fantastic actress it won't."_

_They'd obviously had experience._

_"Now go. Do it. Now," Pamela said._

_I stood up._

_"Leave your wallet here hun," Leslie said._

_I put my wallet on the table and took my purse with me._

_I went into the store and walked casually around for a few minutes. I then found several bins near the back loaded with various makeup items. I picked up and dropped several tubes of mascara, lip gloss, lipstick, liquid eyeliner and eye shadow into my opened, unzipped purse and zipped it closed. I walked around the store casually, before walking out and joining the group at the table. I opened my purse and dumped the itesm onto the table._

_"Now what?" I asked._

_"That was just a test run to see if you could shoplift," Lauren told me._

_"Now we want you to go, and you see that woman sitting over there?" Christy asked._

_She pointed to a dark haired woman sitting by herself with a small brown purse on the table in front of her._

_"Go and take the money out of her wallet."_

_"Idinno I mean taking someone's money…." I said, unsure._

_"Do you or don't you want to be a part of us?" Max asked, threatening._

_"I do."_

_"Then you'll take the money," Pamela decided._

_"But wait until she gets up and goes to the bathroom," Leslie said._

_"We've been watching her for awhile and we know that she doesn't usually take her purse with her," Lauren told me._

_After a few minutes, the woman stood up and went into the bathroom, leaving her purse, as they'd predicted, on the table._

_"Now go go go go go quick before she comes back," Christy said quickly._

_I stood up, went over to the woman's purse, opened it, unzipped her wallet, took the money out of it, zipped it closed and came back to the group, putting the money in my purse._

_Max and the others were standing when I arrived._

_"Um, what are you doing?" I asked._

_"We need to leave before she finds out who did it," Max answered._

_"Oh yeah. Right."_

_We walked around the mall until we spotted Claire's which we went into, scattering off in different directions inside the small, crowded store. The manager was watching one of her employees pierce the ears of a little girl, 2 of the employees were at the cash register which had a long line and the rest were helping customers._

_Pamela walked over to me, a chunky black bracelet on her arm._

_"What do you think?" she asked, showing it to me._

_"I like it you should get it."_

_"Oh, should I?"_

_"Uh huh."_

_"It was, rhetorical," she told me._

_"Oh."_

_She slipped it into her pocket and walked away._

_I took several gold bangle bracelets off the rack and slipped them into my pocket._

_Leslie came over._

_"Hi Karen," she said._

_"Hi," I said._

_"I'm ready to go," she told me._

_"Yeah me too," I said._

_"Ok let's go," she agreed._

_Lauren joined us._

_"Move on out," she said._

_We were very soon joined by Christy and Max. We left the store heading down the mall._

_"I saw a lady coming over to you so I told Leslie to go and tell you we were leaving," Christy said._

_"Thanks," I said._

_"Uh huh."_

_We soon entered a large, white clothing store also scattering off in different directions. I picked up a black leather mini skirt and 3 tank tops; black, purple and Kelly green. I went into the dressing room and stuffed them into my purse, making sure there weren't any security tags on them, which there weren't. Outside the dressing room I heard the others talking to the salespeople, distracting them. We left the store and once again headed down the mall._

_"Let's go get some food I'm hungry," Max suggested._

_"Yeah me too, actually," Pamela said._

_"Uh huh," Leslie said._

_"As am I," Lauren said._

_"You guys go ahead I'll be there in a few," Pamela told us._

_"Me too," Christy said._

_"Ok we will," Leslie told them._

_We walked to the food court and to Sbarro's where ordered pasta, cake, breadsticks and beverages which Max paid for. We went and sat down at a red leather booth._

_We were eating, when, a few minutes later, Pamela and Christy came back. Pamela was wearing a new, long, black leather coat which she took off and gave to me._

_"Um, this is yours," I said._

_"No, it isn't. It's for you since you passed your initiation," she answered._

_"Aww thanks," I said._

_"Mmhmm."_

_"I'll drink to that," Leslie said._

_I looked at her, surprised._

_"Er I would but we're in public. At the mall."_

_"Eight," Lauren said._

_"I'm hungry where's the food?" Pamela asked._

_"Behind you," Christy said._

_"Oh. Right. Knew that."_

_We laughed._

_Max reached into her small black leather purse and pulled out 2 20s._

_"Here," she said handing it to Pamela; "it's on me. Well, Cassandra, actually."_

_"Thanks," Pamela said._

_"Uh uh."_

_"You want me to pay you back or….?"_

_"No, no keep the change. Cassandra makes, like, $200 a night, doing what she does."_

_"Oh right so she does. Ok I'll be back in a bit."_

_Pamela walked away to get her dinner._

_"She's so cute," Leslie said._

_"I know she really is," Lauren agreed._

_A few minutes later Pamela came and slid into our booth, on her tray the same thing we'd ordered._

_"Welcome back," Christy told her._

_Pamela smiled; "thank you. And once again, Max, thank you."_

_"Oh it's not a problem dear not at all."_

_"You drink?" I asked Leslie._

_"Oh yeah we all do."_

_"Oh."_

_"So what'd you get?" Lauren asked._

_"Besides the makeup, that is," Christy said._

_"I got gold bangle bracelets, a black mini skirt and 3 ribbed tank tops; black, purple and Kelly green."_

_"Oooh awsumness," Max said._

_I smiled._

_"Oh, and the coat," Pamela said._

_"Yes, from you," Leslie said._

_"You see Karen, excluding Leslie and Pamela, we all had to shoplift for initiation….me, Christy, Max…." Lauren told me._

_"Oh," I said._

_"And now you," Christy added._

_"But for me it wasn't all that hard cuz back in New York I did it a lot," Max said._

_Lila and Anna walked over and stood in front of our booth._

_"Hi mind if we squeeze in?" Lila asked._

_"Which we could prolly do anyway considering our size," Anna added._

_"No course not," Pamela said._

_Lila and Anna sat down on either side of us._


	115. Chapter 132

_I walked from the kitchen and into the living room, where I stopped._

_"Hey do you know where Brian's room is?" I asked Brian's Aunt Linda._

_"Yeah honey it's upstairs."_

_She was sitting in the chair opposite the front door. She was blonde and thin in blue her hair medium length._

_"Well yes Linda I know that now. But where?"_

_"Oh. Second door on the right, right next to the bathroom."_

_"Ok thanks."_

_"You're welcome."_

_I continued across the living room, up the stairs and down the hall to the second door on the right, on which I knocked. The door was wood._

_"Mmf yeah?" I heard my brother call from inside._

_"It's me," I said._

_"Ok come on in."_

_I heard soft footsteps walking across the carpet then the door opened and a young woman who looked like Lauren stood there in the doorway._

_"Oh heeyyy honey you must be Karen come on in join us," she told me._

_"Us?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow._

_"David and I."_

_"Um David's...he's..."_

_"Mmm incredibly good looking?"_

_"Well I was going to say he's my brother."_

_"Oh, well, there isn't any reason you can't join us then."_

_"Don't you get it, um," I suddenly realised I didn't know her name._

_"Renee," she filled in._

_"Right, Renee. Don't you get it. He's. My. Brother."_

_"And?" now it was her turn to lift an eyebrow._

_I saw David looking at me._

_"Karen, hey, come on in," he said._

_"Ok if um," I said._

_Renee leaves._

_"Yeah sure. Renee honey ya mind?" he asked._

_She turned to look at him._

_"oh no course not. Scuse me," Renee said, pushing past me._

_She smelled of musk._

_She went downstairs, leaving the door open. I went in and sat next to David on the bed._

_"Hey," he said._

_"Hi um who was that?" I asked._

_"That, was Renee," David told me._

_"Yes, I know that. She just told me that, David."_

_"Oh."_

_"Are you like involved or...?"_

_"Yeah kind of."_

_I stood up; "kind of? How can you be kind of involved with someone? You either are or you aren't."_

_David looked up at me._

_"Whoa. Karen. You ok?"_

_"David," I said, my head tilted, "you know I'm not. And you, of all people, know I haven't been since..."_

_"That?"_

_"Yes. That."_

_I sat down on the bed._

_"So I was over at Pamela's," I began._

_David looked at me; "mmhmm yeah."_

_"And, you know Ryan?"_

_"Oh yes I know Ryan. Karen, everyone knows Ryan."_

_"Uh huh Ok, well he was in the living room when I was over there and..."_

_"Oh jeez. He didn't..."_

_"Well no he didn't do anything but he...said..."_

_"Something?"_

_"Yeah, something."_

_"What'd he say?"_

_"Same thing Andrew and..."_

_"Oh. Wow. I'm so sorry. You want me to go over there and...idinno..." David asked._

_I shook my head; "no no Edward's already over there."_

_"Oh. Ok."_

_"Oh, by the way, Brian's making pasta. I don't know if it's just for me...but um, when I go down there again I'll ask."_

_"Ok."_

_"Hey did you know that Linda's here?"_

_"Uh, Linda? Who's Linda?"_

_"Brian's aunt," I informed him._

_"Oh her."_

_"So you've met?"_

_"Yes briefly."_

_"Oh. You know, Renee looks a lot like..."_

_"Lauren."_

_"Yeah, her."_

_"That she does."_

* * *

_I walked downstairs into the kitchen. A pot of water was on the stove._

_"Hey," Brian said, looking up when I entered._

_"Hey."_

_"Would you like anything to drink? We have sprite, orange juice, wine, beer, milk, tea, coffee, hot chocolate..." he rattled off._

_"Wow," I said, pulling out a chair from the kitchen table and sitting._

_"Yeah well."_

_"Um I could go for some comfort."_

_"Ok . . ."_

_"Hot chocolate."_

_"Ok great."_

_There was already a packet of hot chocolate and a cup on the counter. I started to get up._

_"Oh don't get up I'll get it," Brian told me._

_I sat back down._

_"Oh ok. Wow that's really nice of you."_

_"Well, I want you to be comfortable here."_

_He opened the packet, poured it into the cup, filled it with water and put it in the microwave._

_"Oh. I'm just so used to having to do everything myself."_

_"Oh."_

_"How long will the pasta be?"_

_"About 30 minutes."_

_"Ok. Hey who's Renee?"_

_"Uh, who?"_

_"Renee," I repeated._

_"Oh. Friend of Lauren's. They're involved."_

_"Oh but um David and Renee are...involved. Kind of."_

_"Oh."_

_I heard Renee and Linda talking in the living room._

_"Anything else I can get you?" Brian asked, taking the cup out of the microwave and setting it down on the table in front of me._

_"No that's fine."_

_"Really? Because . . ."_

_"Well actually now that you mention it . . ."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Is it ok if I stay here tonight?"_

_"Yeah sure. I think David might, as well, so. . ."_

_"Oh ok. With Renee?"_

_"Uh huh."_

_"Ok."_

_Renee walked into the kitchen, followed by Linda and then David._

_"Hey Brian," Renee said._

_"Hey Renee. Aunt Linda. David," Brian replied._

_"Hi," Linda said._

_"Hey," David said._

_"Hey, um, David?" I said, looking at him._

_"Yeah?" he said, looking at me._

_"I'm going to stay here tonight if you could ring Elizabeth and your dad and tell them . . ."_

_I won't be home tonight._

_"Yeah sure."_

_"Mmk."_

_"So what's for dinner?" Renee asked._

_"Well Karen and I are going to have pasta...you guys can have some I'll make you some or you can go out somewhere..." Brian told them._

_"Oh. What do you think hun?" Renee asked, turning to David._

_"I don't know yet."_

_"Mmm ok."_

* * *

_It was after dinner and Brian and I were in his parents' room, on their bed._

_"You mind if I turn off the lights?" he asked me._

_"C'mon let's turn off the lights it'll make you more comfortable," he said._

_Oh god, I thought. No. Please. Don't turn off the lights._

_"Uh, Karen?" Brian asked._

_"Huh?"_

_"The, lights."_

_"Oh. Right. Those."_

_"You ok? You seem kinda out of it."_

_"Yeah, I am."_

_"So do you not want me to turn off the lights or...?"_

_"Yeah, um, could you not? I'm sorry I just...it..."_

_"The dark?"_

_I nodded, swallowing._

_"Yeah it, gets to me."_

_"Ok. Ok. You ok hun? Do you wanna talk is there anything I can get you...should I leave or...?"_

_"Um, water would. be great. I, could you...sorry I'm sorry. Again. I don't know why I'm apologising."_

_"Yeah sure I'll give you some space."_

_"Ok thank you."_

_"Sure."_

_He left, closing the door behind him._

_As soon as he left something inside me broke and I started crying. I was in a place I didn't know all that well and yet it was more comfortable more...safe, than my own. It felt so weird feeling this safe._


	116. Chapter 4

_It was after school, 3 p.m. I was sitting on the uncomfortable floor in the large gym, waiting for dance rehearsal to begin. Lauren, Max and Christy were there as well._

_"Hey girl," Max said, approaching me._

_"Hey," I said._

_Lauren and Christy sat down next to me._

_A young woman with long brown hair was sitting on the floor on the other side of Max, her legs folded under her. She was wearing red pants and a big white sweatshirt with 'Lila' scrawled across the front in thin red cursive._

_"Hi," she said when she saw me; "I'm Lila. I just moved here. From California."_

_"Hi I'm Karen. From here."_

_"Nice meeting you."_

_"Mmmhmm you too."_

_"God this floor is really uncomfortable to sit on," a thin blonde young woman said._

_She was wearing a long black dress. She seemed annoyed by this fact the uncomfortablness of the floor._

_Lila looked at her._

_"How much have you had to eat today Anna?" she asked her._

_"Not a lot. It's really cold in here. And you?"_

_"I haven't even had dinner yet."_

_"Oh."_

_I wondered what exactly was going on._

_"That's Anna, by the way," Lila told me._

_"Yeah, I figured as much," I returned._

_"I didn't expect you to be here," Max told me._

_"Oh?" I asked._

_"Yeah, you didn't seem the type…Pamela informed us last year you were a cheerleader and this year…"_

_"Yeah well. I decided I needed a little change."_

_"Oh ok. Glad you showed."_

_I didn't seem the type who'd show for dance when I'd never shown last year but instead had gone to cheerleading even though cheerleading was a combination of both dance and gymnastic._

_"Where are you from?" I asked._

_"New York, originally. Moved here with my sister and my drunk off her bloody ass mom."_

_I stared at her, shocked by her outright profanity._

_"Sorry," she apologized; "I'm very to-the-point as you'll find out, or maybe already have."_

_"Oh. My stepsister has a friend from New York."_

_"Oh yeah maybe I know her. The friend, that is. What's her name?"_

_"Stacey."_

_"Hmmmm I'll ask Cassandra later today when and if I see her."_

_"Cassandra?"_

_"My sister. She's older."_

_"Oh. If?" I asked._

_"Yeah. She comes and goes in and out as she pleases. Sometimes I don't see her for days at a time."_

_"Oh. What does she do?"_

_"She's a well, um…..she's a prostitute."_

_"Um, a what?"_

_"A prostitute," Max said casually._

_"Omygod."_

_I was surprised._

_"You wanna come over later? You too Lauren," she asked us._

_"Sure ok," I replied._

_"Sounds great," Lauren said._

_Pamela walked into the room._

_"Hey girl," Max said when Pamela came in._

_"Hey," Pamela said, sitting down on the floor next to us._

_She turned to Max; "I'm going to the mall later tonight you wanna come?"_

_"Oh we'd love to but Lauren, Karen and I are going to my place for a bit," Max answered._

_"Oh, well, that actually works out perfectly. Cuz you could come and meet me at the mall after."_

_"Oh ok," Lauren said._

_Pamela peered at me."Weren't you a cheerleader?" she asked me._

_"Yeah, that was last year. Not now. In high school. And, I got contacts."_

_"Mmm I noticed. You look…different. Besides that. You could join us, Karen."_

_"I I thought I already was. I mean…I am."_

_"No, I mean our group."_

_"Oh."_

_The dance teacher walked into a room in a long black skirt and black leotard, her dark hair in a bun at the nape of her neck. She sat down in the metal chair in front of us._

_"Hello," she said._

_We looked up at her expectently._

_"My name is Maria Sanchez and I'll be teaching you dance."_

_The door to the gym opened and we all looked toward it. Alice came in to the gym._

_"Hi everyone sorry I'm late I had to take care of something," she apologised._

_"That's alrite close the door behind you and come join us," Miss Sanchez told her._

_Alice closed the door, walked across the gym and sat by me. I noticed she was wearing silver flats._

_Miss Sanchez looked at Alice._

_"and who might you be dear?" she asked._

_"Oh I'm Alice."_

_Miss Sanchez lifted up a few white sheets of paper attached to her clipboard._

_"Alice . . .Alice what, dear?" she muttered._

_"Cullen, Alice Cullen."_

_"Mmhmm. Yes, you're here. New student?"_

_"Yes."_

_Miss Sanchez flipped her papers back down and looked at Alice._

_"Well, welcome," she said._

_"Thank you."_

_"I like your flats," I told Alice; "they're cute."_

_She smiled._

_"Thanks," she replied._

_"This year in dance we'll be learning dances for the pep rallies at the end of each month and for the 3 dance recitals; one in fall, one in winter and one in spring. How many of you have previous dance training?" she asked._

_A bunch of us raised our hands._

_"Ok great then."_

* * *

_It was 7 p.m. a few hours later. Pamela, Leslie, Lauren, Christy, Max and I were sitting at a square table in the mall food court. Other people were sitting at the tables around us._

_"Karen," Pamela said._

_"Yeah?" I asked._

_"First, before we let you into our group, you'll need to go through initiation."_

_"Ohk…" I said._

_"And that is today," Leslie informed me._

_"Oh, um, when?"_

_"Right now. Actually it'll be in a few minutes," Lauren said._

_"Alrite now what do I have to do?" I asked._

_"What you have to do is…you have to go into that store," Pamela said, pointing to a nearby store; "and get some make up for us."_

_"Ok sounds easy enough. Let me get out my wallet…."_

_Max laughed; "oh god wow."_

_Christy reached over and put her hand on the table._

_She looked at me; "no dear believe us you won't be needing that."_

_"But how am I supposed to pay for it?" I asked._

_"That's the entire point. You're not," Max said._

_"Oh wow."_

_I was surprised._

_"You don't pay for things when you shoplift them," Pamela said._

_"Oh god."_

_"That is exactly the reason they call it shoplifting," Leslie said._

_"And whatever you do, don't get caught," Lauren told me._

_"Also, don't look suspicious," Christy said._

_"But, won't that be hard? I mean, not to?" I asked._

_Max smiled; "not if you're not a fantastic actress it won't."_

_They'd obviously had experience._

_"Now go. Do it. Now," Pamela said._

_I stood up._

_"Leave your wallet here hun," Leslie said._

_I put my wallet on the table and took my purse with me._

_I went into the store and walked casually around for a few minutes. I then found several bins near the back loaded with various makeup items. I picked up and dropped several tubes of mascara, lip gloss, lipstick, liquid eyeliner and eye shadow into my opened, unzipped purse and zipped it closed. I walked around the store casually, before walking out and joining the group at the table. I opened my purse and dumped the itesm onto the table._

_"Now what?" I asked._

_"That was just a test run to see if you could shoplift," Lauren told me._

_"Now we want you to go, and you see that woman sitting over there?" Christy asked._

_She pointed to a dark haired woman sitting by herself with a small brown purse on the table in front of her._

_"Go and take the money out of her wallet."_

_"Idinno I mean taking someone's money…." I said, unsure._

_"Do you or don't you want to be a part of us?" Max asked, threatening._

_"I do."_

_"Then you'll take the money," Pamela decided._

_"But wait until she gets up and goes to the bathroom," Leslie said._

_"We've been watching her for awhile and we know that she doesn't usually take her purse with her," Lauren told me._

_After a few minutes, the woman stood up and went into the bathroom, leaving her purse, as they'd predicted, on the table._

_"Now go go go go go quick before she comes back," Christy said quickly._

_I stood up, went over to the woman's purse, opened it, unzipped her wallet, took the money out of it, zipped it closed and came back to the group, putting the money in my purse._

_Max and the others were standing when I arrived._

_"Um, what are you doing?" I asked._

_"We need to leave before she finds out who did it," Max answered._

_"Oh yeah. Right."_

_We walked around the mall until we spotted Claire's which we went into, scattering off in different directions inside the small, crowded store. The manager was watching one of her employees pierce the ears of a little girl, 2 of the employees were at the cash register which had a long line and the rest were helping customers._

_Pamela walked over to me, a chunky black bracelet on her arm._

_"What do you think?" she asked, showing it to me._

_"I like it you should get it."_

_"Oh, should I?"_

_"Uh huh."_

_"It was, rhetorical," she told me._

_"Oh."_

_She slipped it into her pocket and walked away._

_I took several gold bangle bracelets off the rack and slipped them into my pocket._

_Leslie came over._

_"Hi Karen," she said._

_"Hi," I said._

_"I'm ready to go," she told me._

_"Yeah me too," I said._

_"Ok let's go," she agreed._

_Lauren joined us._

_"Move on out," she said._

_We were very soon joined by Christy and Max. We left the store heading down the mall._

_"I saw a lady coming over to you so I told Leslie to go and tell you we were leaving," Christy said._

_"Thanks," I said._

_"Uh huh."_

_We soon entered a large, white clothing store also scattering off in different directions. I picked up a black leather mini skirt and 3 tank tops; black, purple and Kelly green. I went into the dressing room and stuffed them into my purse, making sure there weren't any security tags on them, which there weren't. Outside the dressing room I heard the others talking to the salespeople, distracting them. We left the store and once again headed down the mall._

_"Let's go get some food I'm hungry," Max suggested._

_"Yeah me too, actually," Pamela said._

_"Uh huh," Leslie said._

_"As am I," Lauren said._

_"You guys go ahead I'll be there in a few," Pamela told us._

_"Me too," Christy said._

_"Ok we will," Leslie told them._

_We walked to the food court and to Sbarro's where ordered pasta, cake, breadsticks and beverages which Max paid for. We went and sat down at a red leather booth._

_We were eating, when, a few minutes later, Pamela and Christy came back. Pamela was wearing a new, long, black leather coat which she took off and gave to me._

_"Um, this is yours," I said._

_"No, it isn't. It's for you since you passed your initiation," she answered._

_"Aww thanks," I said._

_"Mmhmm."_

_"I'll drink to that," Leslie said._

_I looked at her, surprised._

_"Er I would but we're in public. At the mall."_

_"Eight," Lauren said._

_"I'm hungry where's the food?" Pamela asked._

_"Behind you," Christy said._

_"Oh. Right. Knew that."_

_We laughed._

_Max reached into her small black leather purse and pulled out 2 20s._

_"Here," she said handing it to Pamela; "it's on me. Well, Cassandra, actually."_

_"Thanks," Pamela said._

_"Uh uh."_

_"You want me to pay you back or….?"_

_"No, no keep the change. Cassandra makes, like, $200 a night, doing what she does."_

_"Oh right so she does. Ok I'll be back in a bit."_

_Pamela walked away to get her dinner._

_"She's so cute," Leslie said._

_"I know she really is," Lauren agreed._

_A few minutes later Pamela came and slid into our booth, on her tray the same thing we'd ordered._

_"Welcome back," Christy told her._

_Pamela smiled; "thank you. And once again, Max, thank you."_

_"Oh it's not a problem dear not at all."_

_"You drink?" I asked Leslie._

_"Oh yeah we all do."_

_"Oh."_

_"So what'd you get?" Lauren asked._

_"Besides the makeup, that is," Christy said._

_"I got gold bangle bracelets, a black mini skirt and 3 ribbed tank tops; black, purple and Kelly green."_

_"Oooh awsumness," Max said._

_I smiled._

_"Oh, and the coat," Pamela said._

_"Yes, from you," Leslie said._

_"You see Karen, excluding Leslie and Pamela, we all had to shoplift for initiation….me, Christy, Max…." Lauren told me._

_"Oh," I said._

_"And now you," Christy added._

_"But for me it wasn't all that hard cuz back in New York I did it a lot," Max said._

_Lila and Anna walked over and stood in front of our booth._

_"Hi mind if we squeeze in?" Lila asked._

_"Which we could prolly do anyway considering our size," Anna added._

_"No course not," Pamela said._

_Lila and Anna sat down on either side of us._


	117. Chapter 1155

_**Evan**_

_One night, Rose and I were sitting on the front porch, talking. I was smoking. The night was dark and cold, clouds covered the sky. Mom was at the hospital with Kate, Dad was inside helping Anna with her homework and the others were upstairs. Dinner had ended about 2 hours ago._

_"Rose," I said, taking a puff of my cigerette._

_"Yeah?" she asked._

_The scents of rain, my smoke and beer and her tea drifted through the air. The porch light wasn't on._

_"What happened to your dad?_

_"Oh."_

_I heard her shift in the chair at the other end of the porch._

_"Rose?"_

_"Um, he took off a few years after Mom died. She died from exposure. The doctors at the ER, they...couldn't save her."_

_The words hung in the air between us._

_"Even when she was alive, he was pretty awful to the both of us."_

_"Sounds a lot like Ashley," I remarked._

_"Yeah."_

_Ashley had been born in Georgia but grown up in Brooklyn, spending the summers back in Georgia. Her mom had died when Ashley was young. Up untill the previous year, she and her father had been in living in a small apartment in Brooklyn. She hadn't had the best upbringing._


	118. Chapter 10555555555555555666666666666

_**Karen**_

_It was Monday morning of my 2nd week of my 2nd year of middle school, sept. 19. I was at school at my locker when Hannah and nancy came up to me. _

"_hey wanna have lunch w/ us?" they asked._

_I was burying my head in my locker my back to them putting my books away._

"_no," I muttered._

"_why not?"_

"_I just. don't feeel like it."_

"_oh. Ok. Well what about dinner?"_

"_well see."_

_They left._

_I heard pam and her friend leslie talking w/ their other friend._

"_why are you going over there? We don't like her," leslie said._

"_yeah we never have," her friend said._

"_no maybe you havent," pam said._

_She came over to me._

"_hey," she said putting her hand on my arm._

_I started, jumped; "god do you have to do that?"_

"_sorry."_

_I noticed she didn't take her hand off._

"_um. Are you ok?"_

"_yeah why?"_

"_you seem. Idinno, different."_

"_and?"_

"_that's not a bad thing. Do you wanna have lunch w/ me?"_

"_I already told Hannah and-"_

"_leslie and my other friend wont be there if that's what youre worried about."_

"_oh. Um. Maybe."_

"_I know a great place and ill pay if, you don't want to or don't have the money. Or. Something."_

_I softened, a bit._

"_yeah maybe," I said._

"_ok well let me know. Heres my number," pam took my phone and put her number in then gave it back to me; "or, you know. If you ever just want to talk."_

"_ok."_

_She left._

* * *

_It was lunchtime. Pam and I were sitting across from each other in a coffee shop. Shed bought me a chocolate pastry brownie and chai bc I was cold and wanted chai. She had the same._

"_youre not gonna eat that?" she asked of my food._

"_no. is that a problem?" I replied._

"_hun - karen im not here to judge you. Im actually nice away from my friends. Er. When im not around them."_

"_oh. I. don't really know what to think of that."_

"_you've never had a girlfriend before have you?"_

"_well no and ive never had a boyfriend either."_

"_so im your first. Er. If that's ok w/ you."_

"_ill think about it and get bak to you."_

"_ok."_

_She put her hands on my wrists. They were warm. Her hands._

"_um. What?" I asked._

_Her fingers traced my cuts._

"_oh. God. Ow."_

"_sorry. I just. I didn't know," pam said._

"_no its not your fault they hurt."_

"_why arent you eating?"_

"_its. Not like I deserve it."_

"_it?" she looked at me._

"_warmth. Food. My dad doesn't want me to."_

"_oh."_


	119. Alexa

_**Alexa**_

_Toms a sweet guy. He cared about me, wanted to make sure I was ok each time I cut which he didn't judge me for but also didn't like. If were not together I either emailed, texted or phoned him whenever I cut. He and his siblings lived w/ their aunt since their mom sylvia was dead and their dad wasn't around. When hes not waiting to get sick or w/ me he spent time w/ his siblings taking on the father role as he was the oldest._


	120. Examples

_Alexa_

_I was in th bathroom. Id just finished cutting. I pulled out my phone and texted tom; cut._

'_y'_

'_idk'_

'_ok….sometimes we don't. want me to come over?'_

'_'_

'_ok be there in a bit'_


	121. a week

**Jesse**

_It was about 4 months earlier, a rainy day in april. 6 more months from this current month - September - untill alexa and toms 1 yr anniversary. It was spring._

_I was at the hospital checking on kate. When I got there alice told me she was sleeping as she had the flu yet again. After I checked into kate I wandered into toms room._

_"oh hey," - he coughed - "hey mr." - another cough "."_

_He was sick too._

_I went in and closed the door behind me sitting._

_"how ya doin?" I asked reaching and giving tom the cup of tea that alice had left on the nightstand._

_"thanks," he said taking it._

_He sipped it then handed it back to me. As I took it I felt that it had grown cold._

_"ill get alice to get more," I said._

_Tom smiled; "thanks."_

_"any change?" I asked._

_"I….they said I have a week," he managed._

_Last week theyd said he had 2. Left._

_"wow," I said unsure of what to say._

_"ive already written alexa and my siblings their letters. Alice has htem."_

_"I havent told alexa yet. Im not sure when."_

_"well I suggest you do it within the next week, otherwise…"_

_"yeah I. I know. Youre right."_

_Tom sputtered, coughed._

_"don't try to talk ill get alice."_

_That night I went into alexas room. Everyone else was already sleep. She was sitting on her bed reading._

_"yeah?" she asked looking up when I came in._

_I closed the door behind me approached her bed sat on it. The room was quiet._

_"um honey," I began, "this isn't easy to say."_

_"what?"_

_She set the book down on her bed._

_"I…ill just say it. Tom well. Hes dying."_

_"in a month," she said._

_"no in. a. a week. Im sorry."_

_"oh. Wow."_


	122. Chapter 18

_Alexa_

_That day I went to the hospital to visit tom who I hadn't seen in awhile. Bc id been too scared to. By this time the nurses already knew me. So I just walked right into his room. He was awake sitting up._

"_oh finally," he began, annoyed._

_He stopped, coughed then continued: "youre here."_

"_is it ok if I come in? or are you too annoyed w/ me?" I asked._

"_well hello to you too."_

"_im sorry."_

"_im not looking for an apology. I just don't understand why. You. You havent visited me in a week."_

"_bc I was scared."_

"_yeah and don't you think you could've told me that?"_

"_yeah well. I didn't wanna worry you."_

"_im already worried about you. Sweethart," he told me._

_I looked down at the floor and bit my lip._

"_do you know how hard this is for me to be in a relationship w/ someone whos? Leaving?" my voice cracked._

"_yeah its hard for me too."_

"_but youre not. But im not leaving," I corrected myself._

"_no but I am. And theyre doing all they can."_

"_then why isn't that enough?"_

"_oh honey. Cmere," he said opening his arms._

"_no."_

"_is this how you want things to end between us? Bc I don't."_

_He had me there and he knew it._

"_I don't want to be weak. I don't want to cry," I admitted._

"_baby youre not weak. And its ok. And its my job to take care of you. Ok? Remember? Now cmere. Please?"_

_I sighed and crawled onto his lap._


	123. Chapter 20

_**Jesse**_

_It was a week or 2 later._

_Tom amazingly enough had survived. Alexa and tom had decided to make the day they both found out their anniversary. Although most anniversaries take place when a guy asks a girl out for the first time they made that day theirs bc toms survived._


	124. Chapter 127

**Mandy**

A few minutes later I got a text;

So, your sister's in the hospital again the same day you got sick and the very same day your other sister held a concert for said sister. And what are you going to do now? Get sicker? Right bc that'll get you far. Well whatever it is I hope youre feeling better sweetie. xoxo.

I wondered whod sent me the text. My only clue was evan who often used that term of endearment.

"hey evan?" I asked from my spot on the ground.

He looked at me; "yeah?"

"did you just text me?"

Which seems weird since he was right next to me.

"no no."

"oh. Ok."

* * *

After the concert evan and I'd gone back to our parents'.


	125. Chapter 12000

Which reminded me. I wanted to catch up w/ my cousin Annabelle. I decided to give her a call.


	126. Chapter 110

Dianna

That day after school santanna and I were over at her place having dinner in her room. It had been a very long day w/ cheerleading practice both before and after school which had ended at 5. We were on her computer looking at Rachel's myspace videos. As usual they were her singing Broadway.

"omygod," santanna said looking at me, "doesn't she have anything new?"

"yeah I know. Broadways not as in vogue as it used to be."

"lets post a comment."

"ok," I agreed.

"what should we say?"

"something about…..how she needs to stop acting so old and join us in the modern world."

I know it wasn't a very creative or original comment but I didn't want it to be. Truth was, there was something interesting about Rachel. But I didn't want santanna knowing. Or my boyfriend Cory. I didn't know what it was about her or exactly why I liked her. I just knew I did.


	127. Chapter 744

**Karen**

I went into the room pam and I shared after talking w/ Louisa. At the reunion id learnt she lived in the house right across the street.

She was sitting on our bed when I came in. I closed the door behind me.

"hey what happened?" she asked looking at me as I came in.

"well as you know," I said approaching the bed, "I had a talk w/ Louisa. About this morning."

"mmmhmm."

"turns out shes not very happy."

"oh."

"yeah as jesses observed since im not here which is. Apparently big for her. So big in fact that that's part of why she cuts."

I sat down on the bed next to pam.

"whats the other part?" she asked.

"it started a year ago when, it. She. It was the first time she saw Amanda sick," I answered.

"oh wow."

"yeah. And also apparently Louisa got the idea from her friend lauren."

"oh."

"who also cuts."

"no id. Id gathered."

"oh."

"she cuts?" pam asked.

"yeah you know like I used to."

"no I know what it is I was there. Member?"

"oh. Right that's right."

"I just. don't know your family all that well."

"oh. Ok. Louisa also told me some other stuff which im not to disclose."

"no I get it."

"ok."


	128. Chapter 1211

After pam and I talked I decided to go online and find Hannah and nancys contact info. I knew asking pam would be a risk.


	129. Marie

**Marie**

It was dark and raining that night. I was standing against the side of a tall stone building, waiting for a car to pull up. A sign affixed to the exterior wall of the building above me said 'no loitering'. I smiled to myself, thinking how ironic it was given I _was_ loitering.

A dark car drove by slowly and an African American young woman leaned into the window. From here I could see the cobalt blue minskirt that was mostly covering her very nice ass. As she leaned in she squished her arms together against her chest to make her boobs appear bigger. We all had our tactics. Mine was my charming French accent. We worked together as ladies of the night. I'd worked as one back in Paris as well. My mom had been one. I learned it from her.

She'd died when she was with a client. He had sex w/ her and then murdered her.

Another dark car pulled up behind the first one. I walked in my black stilletos towards it and leaned in. the window had been rolled down.

"Bonjour," I said.

"Hey there. You need a ride?" the large man behind the wheel inside said.

"How much?" I heard the driver of the other car ask.

"However much you want sugar," the African American said in a soft southern accent.

I felt a large hand grip my upper right arm.

"Don't you dare get in the car," an angry male voice said.

I whirled around, pinned to the hard metal side of the car, my hands pushed against it by my thin hips, my blue eyes wide.

"Hey, leave her alone. She's just doin her job," the driver said.

"I can't leave her alone. She's my daughter," the voice said.

"Dad?" I asked, confused as to why my dad was in what's known as the 'meat district'.

The 'meat district' was where the ladies of the night worked. The call girls, as it were. But call girls were women who came to hotels. Not us. We worked outside.

His eyes gleamed in the darkness.

"Come with me Marie. Now."

He led me away.


	130. couldn

**Jesse**

I was in my black car driving downtown. I'd taken a drive to clear my head, think things through. It was night.

I'd stopped at a Starbucks and ordered a coffee, black. I sat there for awhile, looking out into the black night. The street lights interrupted the sky, cutting through the clarity like a razor blade on my daughter Alexa's arms. There were people around me, some on their laptops, some talking, some writing, some reading and some, sitting there, observing, looking and thinking just as I was. The night was cold and the scent of rain was in the air. It was nice to be away from my family, for once. I stared out into the sky, trying to find the constellations and read them, as palm readers do. The way I wanted to read Kate's or Amanda's futures.

After awhile I got up and into my car. I drove around, somehow ending up in what's known as 'the meat district'. Hookers were lined up on theright side of the cars, standing on the sidewalk waiting for their next customer.

The next thing I saw I couldn't believe and didn't ever want to. My daughters Marie was leaning into the passenger side of a car, talking to the guy inside. I stopped my car and turned off the ignition. Behind me, other drivers honked, yelling. I got out and walked over to Marie, grabbing her bare upper arm with my thick fingers.


	131. Chapter 899

**Alexa**

That night Tom and I were in my room, on my bed. My head was lodged under his arm, which was playing with my curly smooth dark hair. His other hand was across my stomach, holding my hand.

Downstairs, I heard Mom and Dad arguing.

"Karen!" Dad thundered, "I need to talk to you."

A few minutes later..."Did you know that our daughter's a prostitute?"

"Oh my god," I said.

Surprised.

"Marie?" Tom guessed.

I nodded.

Tom had some idea of what marie did since the times that hed been downtown hed seen her. As had I.

"She's got quite a voice."

"Yeah, she's the charmer in the family..." I said sarcastically; "Evan's the rebel...Amanda doesn't eat...Kate's the sick one...Anna's the peacemaker. Ashley's a lot like Mom. Now apparently Marie's a hooker. And I'm..."

"Beautiful," Tom assured me, lifting up my hand and kissing it.

I sighed, the sigh rippling my body my chest heaving up and down.

"I'm sorry the concert had to be cut short hun," Tom said.

"It's..." I was going to say 'ok' but Tom knew me too well.

"It's not though. Is it," he stated.

"No."

I sighed again.

The concert was cut short because kate got sick and had to be rushed to the hospital.

"What the hell did you do?" I heard Ashley ask angrily, in her and Marie's room.

There was silence, then: "Marie. Answer the question."

"In the meat district," she answered.

"Why?"

I scooted closer to Tom, suddenly depressed. He wrapped his arms around me.

* * *

-XXX-

my fingers curled around each other. I looked around my room for my razorblade.

"Have you seen my...?" I asked.

"...your razorblade?" Tom finished.

I nodded.

"It's in your nightstand drawer Alexa. Where it always is."

"Oh."

With my right arm I reached for my nightstand drawer.

"Alexa," Tom said, bringing his hand over mine, "what's wrong?"

He didn't want me to cut. Well no one wanted me to cut. But he understand why I did.

"I can't do this. I need somewhere for my emotion to go. Something physical."

"_I'm_ physical," my boyfriend reminded me.

"You almost weren't."

Once Tom had almost died from cancer.

"True. But I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere."

He took my hands and placed them in his.

"They get so much attention."

"Yeah. From your parents."

"And the doctors. And the nurses," I rattled.

"You don't like that," Tom stated.

"No. I want..."

"Everything to be normal again."

"Yeah."

"Yeah and honey, I get that. I completely do. But if it had been...you wouldn't've met me," Tom pointed out.

"Yeah but with Kate sick near every night...and Mom and Dad entirely focused on her...the bad. Sometimes outweighs the good."

"I know it does. I know."


	132. Lily: Monday

Lily

When all that was going on downstairs I was in my locked room pressed against the door drinking. I had incense burning so the room didn't smell like alcohol. Id been drinking for about a yr the day after Louisa found out after mandy. Well. Ok about mandys eating disorder.

I was against the door in case one of my parents wanted to unlock it which they knew how to do. It wasn't the most comfortable thing to lean against.

The room was quiet.

I leaned my head back and took a swig of vodka id gotten from the stash in the attic. I hated vodka. It tasted awful and was more potent than any other drink. So I usually drank sangria after the vodka and then sangria. And then popped breath mints. I always put the bottles back in the attic.


	133. Chapter 911

**Jesse**

We were in the living room arguing when Pam came into the room wearing a long black sarong as a skirt and a black lace bra.

"Hey what's goin on?" she asked.

"Whoa," I said looking her up and down.

"Honey for the love of god put this on," Karen said giving Pam the robe she'd been wearing.

Karen was in a skirt and a shirt. She knew I found Pam more attractive than her and didn't want Pam to stray.

Pam put the robe on.

"Thank you," Karen said going to stand by Pam for comfort.

Pam turned to her.

"Well turns out that Marie's … a lady of the night," Karen said.

"A what?" Pam asked.

"Fine a prostitute," I said annoyed.

"Did you know about this?" Karen asked Pam.

"No I had no-"

"Mom what's a prostitute?" Anna's voice interrupted from upstairs.

"Nothing you need to worry about dear," Karen called back.

"Karen," I said.

"What? Shell fin d out when she's older anyway what's a few more years?" she countered.

Pam turned to me; "how'd you find out?"

"I was downtown. I took a drive downtown to clear my head and that's when I saw it," I replied.


	134. Anna: Monday

**Anna**

It was late at night. I was in the cold kitchen with Mom and Dad. Moms friend Pamela had left. Mom and I were discussing her coming into my class to help us make fall leaves. We were sitting on the uncomfortable wooden kitchen chairs at the round wooden kitchen table.

We heard the big tall white wooden front door unlock. We all looked towards the big white living room.

"Who could that be?" Mom asked, as we weren't expecting anyone.

The front door loudly slammed open hitting the white wall behind it.

Mom inhaled.

"What the hell were you thinking?" we heard my brother Evan shout from the empty living room.

"Anna, you might want to go upstairs," Mom told me, standing up.

What she was really telling me was that she didn't want me to know what was going on or why Evan was here, which they didn't even know.

I stood up and walked up the wide white carpeted curving stairs to the room Kate and I shared. Her thin narrow bed was empty.

A few days ago at Ashley's concert, Kate had passed out and been brought to the hospital where she'd been ever since.


	135. Chapter 84

Again, another abrupt random chapter. There was a chapter that came between this and chapter 40 which I've evidently lost. Please Review.

* * *

Once moms friend Pam came and picked Marie up I drove to the house, unlocking the door with my key.

"Who could that be?" Mom asked from the kitchen.

She and Anna were talking about Mom coming in to help Anna's art class to make fall leaves for the younger school children, being that it was September.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I yelled into the large white empty living room.

"Anna, you might want to go upstairs," Mom told Anna.

Mom and Dad walked into the living room.

"Evan, what are you doing here? It's late," Mom said.

"I know what time it is. I just found Marie, downtown. Who informed me that you," I said to Dad, "took away all her money. When I reached her she was shivering and hungry. With that money she could've at least stayed in a hotel. Do you realise how dangerous that is?"

"She was in the meat district when I found her Evan. She lives danger every night," Dad said.

"What, so you were going to let her die? You're already doing that to Amanda."

"You know, Ashley told us the exact same thing."

"Kate's sick! Just what the hell are we supposed to do? Just leave her?" Mom yelled.

"Well, that's what you're doing with everyone else. It's all about Kate."

"You could've let Marie keep the money! But apparently I'm the only one here who actually _cares_, about anyone in this family."

With that, I turned and left.

I drove to an abandoned field, which I set fire to, then drove back to my place.


	136. Chapter 866

**Marie**

That night I got a text from an unknown number. It read;

whatever you do don't get caught. and next time don't. xoxo.


	137. Ashley: Tuesday

Ashley

3:30

I got to thee ballet school a half hour early that morning to discuss scheduling w/ my ballet teacher.

"yes what can I do for you?" she asked looking up; "come in."

I came in closing the door behind me. I sat down.

"we need to talk about scheduling," I began.

"ok," she said.

"this class isn't working for me. Well its not the class it's the time."

"right I understand."

"as of right now I only get about an hour of sleep bc of my job downtown which is from 11 - 1. A.m."

"right."

"so I was thinking if tis ok w/ you id like to switch to the 5:00 class."

"oh that's fine. I also teach that class."

"thank you so much," I said smiling and rising.

"ok then ill see you back here tonight."

"wow."

I was surprised.

I left.


	138. Chapter 113

Rachel

We were all in the choir room. It was between 4 and 6 that day after school. Dianna's head was in my lap. About an hr ago shed tried out for cheerleading but the coach wouldn't let her bc she was hurt by the fact that Dianna had gotten pregnant last yr. Cory surprisingly had also tried out bc he was off football. We were waiting for new members to show not doing much of anything.

Chris looked at santanna and I followed his gaze.

"what?" Dianna asked looking up at me.

Shed noticed my movement.

I held up finger: "hold on."

She nodded.

Chris was staring intently at santannas chest.

"santanna," he began, "did you…did you…get your boobs done?"

"um yeah," she admitted.

They looked bigger.

"oh," dianna whispered.

"but why?" tina asked also looking.

"I wanted to be noticed. Which the coach didn't like."

"oh. Wow."

"that is really sad."

"hey I could've whored myself."

"have you?" puck asked quietly.

"no."


	139. Chapter 122

**Alexa**

After the concert tom and I'd gone to my parents'.


	140. Chapter 123

"but youre here now." pam said leaning over me as she pushed me onto the bed.

She began pulling my shirt over my head. It fell to the floor. She began unhooking my bra.

"oh. Wow," I said surprised by how fast she was going.

"well ive missed you," she said.

"just today?"

"no all these years."

"oh."

"wanna do mine?" she asked her hands going to my skirt.

"no that's ok ill just watch."

She pushed herself up onto her hands.

"whats wrong?" she asked.


	141. Chapter 1266

_**Jesse**_

_I was sitting on the living room couch, watching the Playboy channel on tv when my parents and sisters walked in. My mother, of course, walked past me and into the kitchen. My dad followed her as does Kate. I turned off the tv, curious as to what happened._

_I catch my mom's word in the air, 'judge'._

_"She made you talk to a judge? Damn Anna," I said to my sister._

_"You know, Jesse, now would be a great time for you to leave," Mom told me._

_"You don't have to ask me twice," I said in a low voice, hurt by this._

_I stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind me. I get in my jeep, leaving the arguing behind. But not the pain._

_I arrived downtown though I'm not aware of this untill I find a parking spot._

_I parked and got out of the jeep into the warm sun filled day._

_"Hey," Lacy said._

_"Fuk off," I told her._

_"Jesse-"_

_"Lacy, I_ said-"

_"Ok. You don't have to ask me twice."_

_We walked off in opposite directions, my own words reflected back at me, stinging._


	142. Chapter 1277777

_**Jesse**_

_It was that morning. I was sitting on a bench in downtown Rhode Island, smoking. I was waiting for my sister Anna to get done with her appointment with the lawyer she was hiring. It was a beautiful day, a breeze blew through the trees._

_"Hey," a dark haired young woman greeted me._

_It was Lacy, who worked in the 'meat district' downtown._

_"Hey, you don't work untill tonight," I told her._

_"Yeah I know, but I know someone who knows someone who...knows someone, who has cancer...I kinda need the money to help pay for her treatment."_

_"Kate?" I guessed._

_"Huh?"_

_"Her name Kate, by any chance?"_

_"Um. Yeah."_

_She lowered herself onto the bench next to me._

_"Yeah that's my sister," I said._

_"Oh. Mind if I light up?" she asked._

_I handed her the carton of cigerettes. She pulled out a lighter._

_"Pot?" she asked._

_"Huh?"_

_"You smell like pine soo...you been doin pot again?"_

_"Oh. Yeah."_

_She lit up._

_"So," she asked, leaning forward and taking a puff on her cigerette; "whatcha waitin for?"_

_"Anna to get done with her appointment with the lawyer."_

_"Your other sister?" Lacy guessed._

_I nodded; "yeah."_

_"Why she seein the lawyer?"_

_"Because she apparently wants to sue our parents for the rights to her own body."_

_"But...that means Kate will die," Lacy realised._

_Without blood transfusions or bone marrow, she was right._

_"No kidding Lacy."_

_"Sorry."_

_"But Kate doesn't want to do it any more. She's going to die anyway."_

_"Do it...as in live?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Damn. She's how old?"_

_"13."_

_"Wow."_

_She stood up; "well...I better get goin. Let me know how everything turns out. Good luck."_

_"Thanks," I told her._

_She started walking away._

_"And thanks for...you know."_

_I was eluding to what she'd previously told me, the reason why she was working during the day._

_"Not a problem," she called back._


	143. Chapter 128888

_I woke up and walked downstairs. Dad was sitting in the living room, which was lit. Mom and Anna were asleep. As usual, no one knew where Jesse was._

_"Hey," he greeted me._

_"Hi. What are you doing up?" I asked, surprised._

_"Couldn't sleep."_

_"Oh."_

_"You?"_

_"Same I guess," I answered._

_He looked at me worriedly; "you alrite?"_

_"Yeah. Nothing hurts. I'm not bleeding or anything."_

_"Oh. Ok."_

_"Actually," I said, settling down on the couch next to him; "I wanted to talk to you about that."_

_"Oh?" he turned to me, raising his eyebrows._

_"Yeah. Dad," I sank back against the couch backing; "I don't want to do this any more."_

_"Kate." he exhaled; "we're doing everything we can to keep you alive."_

_"Well. What if I don't want to be?"_

_"Baby."_

_"How 'bout asking what _I _want, for a change? Or what _Anna _wants?"_

_I stood up and walked out onto the front porch._

_"Kate!" he called after me._

-XXXX-

_When I got outside I couldn't see much beyond darkness. The first thing I smelled was smoke which is how I knew Jesse was out there._

_"Hey," he said from somewhere in the darkness._

_I found my way to the porch railing and leaned against it._

_"Hey," I said._

_"Can't sleep?" he guessed._

_I nodded; "yeah, and you?"_

_"I sleep at odd hours Kate."_

_"Oh."_

_"So. What happened?"_

_I inhaled; "I told Dad."_

_"Didn't go so well?_

_"Why else would I be out here?"_

_"Oh. Right."_

_"And you're out here because...?" I prompted._

_"I don't want to have to deal with him or Mom."_

_"Yeah like they'd notice."_

_"When you're not sick they might. But we both know that's a lost hope."_


	144. Chapter 129999

_**Aunt Kate**_

_I'd woken up that night because I felt sick. I didn't want to bother Mom, who was sleeping. Dad was at work._

_When I woke up I was bleeding and knew I needed platelets which meant I needed to go to the hospital._

_I made my way out our front door to Jesse's apartment. He lived above our house. The night was dark and cold. When I got to my brother's front door I knocked on it. _

_There wasn't an answer but maybe he was asleep. I knocked again. And again, there wasn't an answer._

_"Jesse," I said, turning the knob: "I need to go to the hosp-"_

_I stopped midsentence._

_Because there was my brother, lying unconscious on his living room floor. An empty bottle of Jack Daniels was a few inches from his hand. There was another one next to him_


	145. Chapter 1444444444

Ashley

It was several hours later, night. Puck and I were up in the mountains. It was dark. We were lying in the front seats of his car gazing at the sky through the moon roof. I saw trees around us.

"wow its so pretty here," I said.

"and quiet," he said.

"yeah. I know."

"its almost as if you don't want to say anything for fear of disturbing it all. The. The silence."

"yeah exactly that's exactly it."

He reached and took my hand. I moved closer to him putting my leg on top of his. I couldn't move much closer bc the box thing in between the seats was in the way.

"um. Wow. This might be a problem," I said.

"no its fine ive got it," he said.

He took me and we moved onto my seat.


End file.
